Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Terrible Tuesdays With Travis -- OH Deer!

Welcome to Terrible Tuesdays with Travis. This is actually the second edition, but the first with the brand new name.

So what is Terrible Tuesdays all about? Well it is the new regular weekly feature for this blog. One third a direct rip off of the TV show, My Name is Earl, one third - classic examples of my stupidity through the years, and one third confessional. So with apologies to Jason Lee, all my friends, teachers, ans mentors who tried to educate me, and the Catholic Church (since this is likely as close to a confessional booth as I'll ever get) here we go.

My original plan was to share a recent example of my stupidity since last week was a childhood story, but in honor of all the kids heading back to school and my oldest son who started first grade yesterday let me tell you about the first time I ever got swats at school.

Like my son I was in first grade. Mrs. Williams' class at Oakdale Elementary to be exact. This story takes place in late fall or early winter of 1979.

I come from a family of hunters. Dove, quail, deer, turkeys, elk, pheasants ... you name it my dad hunted and we ate it for supper, so when good ol' Mrs. Williams read Bambi out loud for the class I had a bit different angle on the story than the average kid.

Now even at a tender age of six I fancied myself as a storyteller, so after the teacher finished reading I began to tell my own version to a few of the girls in my class. Now my dad also did all of his own butchering, as do I now. I learned by watching him so even as a first grader I knew lots of gory details to add to my story. The girls shrieked and said things like gross, and ewww, and get away from you are are sick and demented.

Now me and my best friend Mark got quite a kick out of tormenting them and we were the type of kids to seize upon an opportunity. They say a picture is worth a thousand words so the next day I snuck a few photographs from home up to school. I proudly told the girls that here was what happened to Bambi's mom, and his dad too, and boy did they taste good.

Neither Mrs. Williams nor the school principal appreciated my wit or storytelling. The best i can recall both me and Mark got a couple of swats for our trouble and we had to apologize to the girls for traumatizing them. Unfortunately, that wasn't the last time a few tears from a girl landed me in trouble, but it was the last time I attempted to rewrite Disney classic.

Here is a picture of me hand feeding a Mule deer doe in my front yard in an effort to appease all of deerkind. I'm turning over a new leaf in dedicating myself to helping provide nourishment for the critters of the world. What's that you say? No, it is not the same thing as fattening them up.

19 comments:

THE DUCK said...

For shame Travis. I certainly hope you've learned your lesson...

And Bambi has got to be the most depressing children's movie ever made. There's a couple of cute bits, but other than that, it's boring and sad. Bambi 2 on the other hand was the opposite. Plus, that one had Patrick Stewart voicing Bambi's dad, and having Jean Luc Picard in anything is always a plus in my book.

Jason said...

...and if that hadn't been at a zoo...POW. Deer jerky. Old dogs don't start handing out cat treats.

alex keto said...

Good for you for tormenting the squeamish.
Some people are fairly strange about meat and hunting. They are the ones who lecture you about hunting while eating a bacon cheeseburger.

I suppose these same people think their hamburgers come from hamburger trees in large fields where you pick pre-packaged patties already wrapped in plastic.

alex keto said...

Good for you for tormenting the squeamish.
Some people are fairly strange about meat and hunting. They are the ones who lecture you about hunting while eating a bacon cheeseburger.

I suppose these same people think their hamburgers come from hamburger trees in large fields where you pick pre-packaged patties already wrapped in plastic.

Travis Erwin said...

Alex said ... hamburgers come from hamburger trees in large fields where you pick pre-packaged patties already wrapped in plastic.

Add in a jerky orchard and that would be my idea of paradise.

Travis Erwin said...

Jason - Honest to God truth ... that deer was in my front yard, but yeah it is a no hunting zone and in reality the deer that hang our are more like zoo animals than wild game, even though they are not in cages.

Lazy as I am I still prefer a bit of challenge to my hunting expeditions.

mielikki said...

My three nephews also see bambi in reverse, and I believe my first grader one has brought pictures to school as well. . .
great post

Bluefingers said...

Travis....

You're really making a name for yourself, between the jerky, meat tales, deer, etc.. I think you should become a meat packer or at least the union rep. for the meat packers of America.

Loved the story. And thank you for giving me something to look forward to on Tuesdays.

Yours,

Cicily

Brooke said...

After my near-deer attack last month...I have all the respect for these fine and beautiful creatures. BUT had I been beaten to a bloody pulp by flailing hooves and eventually impaled by an antler I would have been rooting for a man with a gun.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Travis,

"gross, and ewww, and get away from me you are are sick and demented."

Just quoting from your very funny story. Nice "official" start to the Tuesday series.

Terrie

Jenn said...

I like the movie Bambi. The hunters in the movie are not very good outdoors men they caught the whole blooming forest on fire.

That deer in the picture with Travis is spoiled. She loves sponge bob cheese crackers, watermelon, canalope, you hand it to her she will eat it.

Ello said...

Hey I used to torture the other girls in first grade also! I spent alot of time in the principal's office in 1st grade. I swear my first grade teacher hated me. My middle child started first grade yesterday also. Since she is the most like me in temperament, I won't be surprised if the principal starts calling me.

Love the Tuesday addition! And my hubby is a fan, not only because you stuck up for him, but because he moseyed on over here and liked your blog.
Cheers!

notsostonecold said...

Hey dad, lets shoot it....

Shauna said...

I suppose these same people think their hamburgers come from hamburger trees in large fields where you pick pre-packaged patties already wrapped in plastic.

Oh no, Alex, not plastic. These are the people who would insist that their pre-packaged patties, picked fresh from the hamburger trees, be wrapped in biodegradable, recyclable material. Gotta watch out for the environment, ya know?

Bubblewench said...

Nice post! Love the gross out of the girls! FUNNY!

You should have shot it. Looks like it would have tasted good.

Chunks said...

They called beating the kids "the swats"??? Here in Canada, they always called in the strap. Now they call it abuse. Kids nowadays will have nothing to blog about in 20 years. It's sad.

Favorite Bambi line: "You can call me Flower if you want to. I don't mind."

Tena said...

We live in the woods, where deer are a common sight. One day I counted thirteen of the blighters munching on my foliage. They even have the chutzpah to come right up to the front door to eat my geraniums.

Like Brooke, we had a near Bambi attack recently. This creature had the audacity to charge my German shepherd, who was only protecting her turf. Turns out the doe had just given birth to twins.

Deer burgers with salsa... Sounds like a yummy idea.

alex keto said...

The motto of the Beans of Maine from the book "The Beans of Egypt"

"If it runs, shoot it. If it falls, eat it."

cher said...

oh travis. if i had been one of those girls i would have been waaaay too busy kicking you as hard as i could in the shins to listen to your silly little killing story. haha