Friday, March 7, 2008

The Great Bunny Bash

Back in November and December I blogged about my year in hell as a Mall Santa. I made mention then that I also donned the rabbit suit and portrayed the Easter Bunny.

Beign that it is the seventh of March, spring is officially only two weeks away, and Easter is just a hope farther away, this seems like a good day to tell one of my Bunny Funnies.

I'll start by saying I enjoyed playing the Easter Bunny a thousand times more than I did Santa. The parents were a thousand times more relaxed, the crowds were much thinner, and being locked away inside the rabbit suit provide a bit of anonymity that the beard and padded red suit did not provide.

One huge drawback however was the heat. There were times that the interior of the rabbit head was hot enough to bake biscuits in. Especially when the sun wuld bean in through the glass skylight of the mall.

Also my friend and former boss, that ran the operation had to special order a longer suit for me and even with that the pants were barely long enough to reach me furry feet so the suit gave me a constant wedgie. And let me tell you digging a cottonball out of your crack can get mighty tiresome. Not to mention traumatizing for any kids watching.

Actually my size alone scared lots of the kids so most of the time I remained seated in my pastel throne to neutralize my height. I'm six-five, but the way the head worked was that the wearer looked out through a screen mesh behind the bunny's bucked teeth. That meant with the long face and giant ears the tip of my version of the Easter Bunny towered in right at NINE FEET TALL. That's a long way up for a little kid. Now you know why I sat when I could.

The year I did this there were two of us that worked the evening shift. Myself, and an older fellow, named Clyde, who was a postal supervisor by day. Clyde wasn't my boss but we worked near each other and got along just fine. Least we did before The Bunny Bashing Episode.

Here's how it went down ...

It was a slow weekday night. Unlike with Santa parents didn't keep their small children out late just to see the Easter Bunny. But as usual there were quit a few teens meandering around the mall and a couple of fifteen or sixteen year old boys ended up leaning against the white picket fence that surrounded the bunny throne.

After a bit they started heckling me.

"Hey you!" One of them shouted. "The dude in the rabbit suit!"

Galen, the man who took the pictures and ran things was busy talking to the only customer we'd had in half an hour. His focus was on hte pictures he was trying to print.

"Hey you! What kind of dork wears a rabbit suit?" the boys laughed. "Little doofus cottontail! I asked you a question.What kind of dork wears a rabbit suit?"

I stood up.

"Ooooh a big dork." They laughed again.

Ever so slyly I waved at the lone little girl to my left with one hand while using my giant head to hide the other hand I flipped a bird at the two boys.

"Ahhh, you just got dissed by the Easter bunny," said the one who'd kept quiet.
"Did you flip me off?"

Still waving again I did it again to remove any doubt to what they had seen.

They one boy slapped the other on the back and teased him as they walked away.

But, that is not where this story ends.

Two mornings later, I'm sittting at the break room at work when Clyde walks in. His head is listing to one side like a sinking ship as he sits down across from me and says, "Be glad you didn't have last night's shift."

"Why? Was y'all busy?"
"No, I got attacked."

Just as we we closing a teenage boy ran up and started punching. And with that top heavy head I couldn't maintain my balance, much less see him. He must hav ehit me a dozen times before Galen chased him off." Clyde slowly kneed his sore neck. "I don't even know what he was yelling about. Something about me flipping him."

Yes, once I stopped laughing I did confess my crime, and these days me and Clyde still laugh about him taking one for the team.



By the way I have one more really good Easter Bunny story and then maybe another post of humorous anecdotes and one-liners. I'll try to get them up within the next few weeks.

Also, I've gotten a few emails lately asking if any of my stories are available in print. The only bit of my work still available for human consumption is the short story I sold to Underground Voices late last year. Click here to read it , if you missed the link the first time around.

27 comments:

Michele said...

Ouch! Poor Clyde.

But I could imagine being the Bunny is a thousand times better than being Santa. You certainly didn't have to make all those promises to the kids.

Great story...

alex keto said...

A nine foot rabbit flipping you the bird? Either that's he stuff of nightmares or it's the title to a Jefferson Airplane song.

Surprised you didn't stunt the growth of some of those kids.

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh. My. GOODNESS. I was laughing out loud through your entire post and the people in the surrounding cubicles probably wonder what's up!

You MUST put that in a story some day!

Shauna said...

ROTFLOL! THAT IS AWESOME!!! And so much funnier that Clyde had to "take one for the team"!!

deborah elliott-upton said...

Just when I think it'd be safe to be in a bunny costume...oh wait, wrong bunny.

Charles Gramlich said...

Hilarious, although I barely made it past the "cotton ball in the crack" line before spewing drink through my nose.

Ello said...

Oh that was too funny! A 9 foot Easter Bunny! You would have completely freaked out my kids for sure! Poor Cyde!

Anonymous said...

Why oh why do I insist on reading this at work...and then having to go to the bathroom to laugh my head off.

Penelope said...

Lovely

I love it when I run into my students acting like jackasses at the mall. I immediately go into teacher mode and start chewing people out. It's amazing how kids (even at that age) think their teachers are all powerful-- even at the mall.

Karen

lyzzydee said...

My kids have always been petrified at anything or anyone in a costume. Reminds me of when we thought it would be a treat to take them to a character breakfast at Disney and then had to spend the whole of the meal chasing the charaters away to prevent the kids puking with fear!!!

Cicily Janus said...

Alright, I just posted this comment and the darn machine said that there was an error and to try my luck again. Probably the work of a head of lettuce somewhere...

This was the best story yet. I can just see you in your nine foot tall bunny suit. Reminds me of Ralphie from the Christmas Story. Maybe I should make you some giant footy PJ's...

But I have a challenge for you. Here's the deal. You can play Santa, and the Bunny...anyone can do that. But have you ever been a Leprechaun on St. Patty's Day? Now that is something I'd pay to see. If you dress up, go to the nearest bar or mall or some public place, I would prefer the Golden Light, but stand outside of it, singing Danny Boy, I will send you fifty pounds worth of Steak. And good ones too.

Wadda ya say?

Game on my friend, game on...

Thanks for making me laugh.

~C

The Anti-Wife said...

Wow. A nine foot Easter Bunny. That's the stuff horror movies are made of.

tstanley said...

For better sleep checkout http://www.blackoutez.com. They make a window cover that completely darkens the room. It is great for those who work the night shift, people who nap during the day or for those bothered by street lamps at night. I use them and the work great.

Marla said...

I was grinning the whole time I read this.

Lana Gramlich said...

Gads! Poor Clyde! You sound like you could have passed for Harvey. Sorry about the cottontail! <:O

Debbielou said...

What a fantastic story! - I'll never look at an Easter bunny again in the same light !!

*Tyler* said...

Travis that is hilarious! My image of you waving with one hand and flipping crappy teens off with the other is priceless.

Patti said...

we have one pic of boy with the easter bunny and that was only because he was a baby blob and couldn't focus his eyes to protest. after that....no way.

Jerseygirl89 said...

Well, I think that answers my question about whether I will bring my kids to the mall to see the Easter Bunny. Since they're liable to see obscene gestures or bunny abuse, I think we'll skip it this year. I, however, may have to go hang out by the bunny area to see if anything funny happens.

Barrie said...

How interesting that it never occurred to the teens that there may have been more than one bunny! Poor Clyde. But a funny story! :)

Shauna said...

Uh, have you ever thought of compiling all your funny, real life stories into a book? Kinda like a memoirs? I'd read it. These stories always make me laugh. I read them to my husband and he enjoys them, too. Just a thought. You know, when you're a famous author and everyone is wondering what T. Erwin's life was like.

~grace~ said...

hahAHAHAhahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa

and spring may be two weeks away, but I have the vague feeling we up here in the cold and bitter north won't be seeing it for a while...

debra said...

Great story. When my kids, now grown, were littles, we were at a mall. The oldest yelled in her loudest voice, "Look, there's Easter the Bunny!" #2 daughter responded excitedly, "Yoot yoot, there's a bid boo *uck wit him" Translation: Look look, there's a big blue truck.
The Rabbit started to laugh so hard that he had to hold his head so it wouldn't fall off.

Adriann said...

LOL!! The Easter Bunny got a Beat Down...? Where has our society gone?

cher said...

bunnies are such whores

Bina said...

"Digging a cotton ball out of your crack!" That is FUNNY!!!!! Unfortunately, I can even picture it!

Dang, I hate the fact the teenager got the last word. Little twirp.

KiKi said...

Thanks, dude - I just sprayed water all over my keyboard.

I don't know which is funnier, the bunny beat down or the santa stories. I agree, put em all together. I'd buy the book.