Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Think I'm Pregnant

Sure laugh at that title all you want but look at the evidence.

1. My gut is swollen up like three day old roadkill. Sure it's been that way a decade but maybe I have a long gestation cycle.

2. For the last week I've been hungry all the time. Even after a Vegas buffet I was hungry a half hour later. this fact has greatly added to fact number one by the way.

3. I have odd cravings. How else do you explain that I spent nearly four bucks in the vending machines at work so I could have peanuts floating inside my bottle of Coke. The salty fizz was quite tasty yet it did not satisfy fact number 2.

4. As of yet I haven't cried for no apparent reason, but I did feel queasy this morning. Then again I feel that way every morning that I have to crawl out of bed and head to work.

5. I haven't been able to get comfortable at night and therefore haven't been sleeping well.

6. My bladder seems to be shrinking as I've had to get up several times a night the last week or so which has only added to the dilemma in number 5.

I would take a leak on one of those fancy sticks but I'm half afraid of what the results will be.

37 comments:

David said...

I'd contradict you, but I don't want to upset you, because we all know how overly sensitive pregnant men can be.

Bubblewench said...

alien baby?

Tapeworm?

You should go see a gynocologist.

Jenster said...

It wouldn't be a horrible thing. You'd end up on Oprah, make tons of money and get an automatic book contract.

I say work with it.

Vodka Mom said...

When your feet grow a 1/2 size, when you get a line that stretches from your belly button to your secret spot, and when you have some alien object inside you who CAN'T get rid of the hiccups, call me. we'll be rich.

Anonymous said...

Travis' wife says:

Your crazy.

Miladysa said...

LOL

Sit down...

Take deep breaths...

Feeling better?

Brace yourself...

I think it could be a phantom pregnancy...

There.. there...

There's always next time...

:-D

Beth said...

Oh, you poor dear man. I think you're right. I'll be thinking of you in (approximately) nine months!

Lana Gramlich said...

Maybe you should really see a doctor. There could be something serious going on. Hope you feel better/less pregnant soon!

Linda McLaughlin said...

ROFL, I have some of the same problems, Travis. Big stomach, cravings, lack of sleep. I know! You're not pregnant, you're going through menopause! I don't know which is worse.

Linda

Laura K. Curtis said...

The best ad I've seen in years is the one that has all the facts and figures about the new pregnancy test and ends by saying...

"It's the most advanced piece of technology you will ever pee on."

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh dear. I think you need something, though not sure what.
;-)

Titania Starlight said...

I am with Bubblewench... a tape worm or you have been abducted by some kinky alien lifeforms.

Patti said...

what about your man-boobs? tender?

not to say you have man-boobs, just a thought.

Shauna Roberts said...

Applying Occam's Razor, I'll suggest the simplest explanation, which is consistent with your being out of town eating unfamiliar food and drinking too much: GAS.

DrillerAA said...

Thank goodness I'm past child bearing age! I still have symptom number one though.

Mary said...

Hmmmm, perhaps these are sympathy symptoms for someone near and dear?

texlahoma said...

Have you eaten any watermelon lately?
Could you have swallowed a seed?

The Anti-Wife said...

Yep, you're definitely pregnant, unless the buffet in Vegas was Chinese food. In that case, it's probably just indigestion.

yellowdog granny said...

check your blood sugar.

Jason said...

That is hilarious. And strangely I realized I have all the same symptoms.

the walking man said...

There is only one place that baby can be birthed from, I hope it's not a ten pounder. (wince)sounds like it's time for the Lamaze classes...you are going to have a natural child birth aren't you ?

Joshua said...

never eat 8 pounds of beef jerky :)

J. L. Krueger said...

Great post and it's nice to see so much concern for your plight.

You'd stay full if you were eating in an Army mess hall like me. Of course you'd wind up twice as large, so problem #1 would still be there...only worse.

Seriously, I have to restrict myself to breakfast and lunch and work out at the gym to keep from putting on the pounds here. The weather in Kabul is too pleasant to sweat it out without some help. At least I'm not able to drink beer here, otherwise I'd have to cut another meal.

writtenwyrdd said...

Ah, the Women's Obstetrical Liberation Front (W.O.L.F.) has finally succeeded! Men shall now suffer the trials of pregnancy and childbirth, Bwahahaha!

Seriously, if you keep getting up to go in the night, it might be diabetes or possibly prostate. Simple blood test for both. Saved my 53-year-old friend's life by catching prostate cancer so early that they had trouble finding the cancer.

J. L. Krueger said...

Hmm, Wyrdd makes an excellent point. Changes like that, if they persist, can be a sign of worse things to come if left untreated.

Don't go too long before having things checked.

Janna Qualman said...

*snicker*

Two pieces of advice: Buy stock in all things yummy, and start sleeping with a pillow between your knees.

Works.every.time.

Charles Gramlich said...

Hum, well, if you are pregnant, I strongly suspect it's not human. Have you been around any big "egg" looking things lately? Had any dreams about suffocating? In Texas everyone can hear you scream.

Bina said...

My God that's funny. You described some of symptoms as of late, but I KNOW I'm not pregnant, and peanuts in your coke? WTF is that about? I never heard of that.

Sam said...

I don't know what made me laugh harder - the post or the comments!!

:-D

Monnik said...

Well, Congratulations.

I hope you and the Mrs. get a baby girl this time!

How are the varicose veins?

Alyssa Goodnight said...

Taken together, those symptoms do sound awfully suspicious. I wouldn't worry though--if you are, you'll definitely get that book published!

"A tale of romance and pirates from a man who gave birth...."

Beth said...

oh yaaaaa....you are SO pregnant. You better go pee on that stick...fast!

polkadotwitch said...

serves you right.

(i'd say that to my husband if he got pregnant ... it would be karma or something for all his little babies did to me.)

:)

and i also agree with your wife: crazy! (but funny crazy)

Bernita said...

~snickers~
Only you, Travis. Only you.

Barrie said...

Get back to us after the ultrasound.

Junosmom said...

If it is true(that you are pregnant) then the US is about to have a baby boom, because so are about half of the men on the streets these days. If only you could be! and relieve women of having to do all the work in producing children.

Jessica said...

Thanks for making me giggle. Cute post.