Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dysfunction

Right now my brain is as scrambled as a Denny's breakfast special. I'm trying to get ready for a trip, then there is the regular holiday rush, and to top it off my boys have been driving me crazy. With both Santa and Disney looming they are are hyped up and flitting about like hummingbirds on crack. As a result of the craziness in my world y'all are getting another jumbled up random post of my mind drippings.

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Egg nog? What the hell is it? Eggs and Nog? If so, what is a nog? And are there other kinds of nog besides the egg variety? I'd like a pint of pear nog please. Or maybe some rum nog. That I might could do, unless of course nog is the extract of lettuce or something. For the record I do not like eggs, as I prefer not to eat things that fall out of a chicken's arse.

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McDonalds. To my kids, a happy meal is the epitome of fine dining, but in my book only their fries are worth the salt all their food is doused in. And their new ad campaign for chicken nuggets is asinine. Nuggnut. It just sounds nasty and that whole wedding cake of pressed together nuggets is disgusting. Mechanically separated chicken is nasty to begin with, but Ronald and gang have made the thought of eating even one nugget entirely gag worthy.

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My 6 yo now tries to get out of trouble by telling me he has a disease.

"Z, quit spitting on your brother."
"I can't, because I have a spitting disease. Anytime someone touches me it makes me spit."
"Z, stop burping in your brother's face."
"I can't because I have a burping disease and it makes me burp to look at his face."
"Z, do not moon your brother."
"I can't because I have a butt disease and it needs air so it can breath."

**************

Why aren't cupcakes made in a cup? You can't drink out of those little frilly paper deals so they certainly aren't cups. And what is the difference between a muffin and a cupcake? And home come girls that have a bit of flesh hanging over the top of their pants are not said to have a cupcake top?

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Is there anymore annoying holiday song than the 12 days of Christmas. The thing drags on longer than the plot line of a daytime soap opera. It's the Christmas equivalent of 99 Bottles of Beer on the wall without the added bonus of getting lit up as you sing. And who in their right minds wants 9 Lords a leaping or most of that other crap.

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Speaking of Christmas songs and family dysfunction, I'll leave you with this gem of a ditty from Texas singer/songwriter and legend ... Robert Earl Keen.

43 comments:

Melissa Marsh said...

Ahh...I needed a good laugh this morning and you delivered!

I agree with you on the 12 Days of Christmas song - I always hate singing it or listening to it because it goes on FOREVER.

Josephine Damian said...

Ha! I see what the appeal is with the Robert Earl guy. Hilarious and so true!

Charles Gramlich said...

I agree with you mostly about McDonald's, but I don't mind their nuggets. I also much like eggnog. Goes good with liquor.

Patti said...

i agree on the nog. never had it never will. the thought is enough to make me puke, because you see i has a disease that makes me puke whenever i think of nog...

Monnik said...

Ha. I have to say, though, that I love chicken mcnuggets. I could eat a wedding cake full of them.

Your son's disease defense is brilliant. He's got something there...

Angie Ledbetter said...

Vid got me ready for my own "fam-oh-ly" gathering tomorrow. Thanks for that. Have a GREAT Christmas.

lyzzydee said...

Is Egg nog the same as Advocaat?? I love Advocaat. I hope you and yours have a great trip and a great Christmas!!

Travis Erwin said...

Lyzzydee - I'm not sure as I've never heard of Advocaat.

Lana Gramlich said...

*LOL* Many good points here. Good luck with the hummingbirds on crack. ;)

Kristen Painter said...

Everything you ever wanted to know about eggnog: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eggnog

Being Beth said...

As usual, Travis, this post was so much fun. All I can say is "Been there!"

Thanks for leaving your comment on my blog. You might want ot check back -- I HAD to make an addendum to today's post -- it went up just as you wrote. And, you're welcome -- it's MY pleasure.

Sharla said...

Love egg nog!!! Right out of the carton like melted ice cream. I know, I'm sick. I'm with you on the nuggnut thing...I do like the nuggets with bbq sauce I admit, but that Nuggnut campaign sounds like edible porno! And to distinguish between cupcakes and muffins---because this is highly important---Cupcakes Get Frosted. Even sometimes get sprinkles. Now unless some girl is going to get her ass frosted and sprinkled...well I guess that's another porno campaign for another day!

preTzel said...

I like your boys Travis - they remind me of my own. ;) Just wait - as they age they only get better. :D

Cloudia said...

"Humming bird on crack"
I'll be humming that one all day
LOL ;-> Aloha

Mary said...

I completely agree about “12 Days of Christmas”, and imagine its appeal must lie with bird fanciers. 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Not a dog or a horse in sight!

Eric S. said...

Well, at least your 6year old has a sense of creativity. That was too good, and I loved the song. LOL.

Chris Bowers said...

I just got back from Disney. Good luck bro. That place is crazy.

March to the Sea said...

i like the butt disease. I'll have to tell my bosses that one.

alex keto said...

Cupcakes in reference to gals who fill their jeans with some to spare at the top?

I thought that was already a slang in usage.

I was even proud of myself for knowing this which I took as evidence of some vestigial coolness left over from the time of my life when I worried about that.

alex keto said...

Yes, that was an excellent song

alex keto said...

Now I remember. The correct slang is a muffin top.

Oh well, apparently I have lost even vestigial coolness. Imagine my depression.

Scott Lessard said...

Sorry Travis...you've really missed the boat with this post.

I wouldn't care if Egg Nog is made from the reproductive fluid of Lettuce or Eggs, the stuff is so glutoneously delicious, it ain't even funny. The stuff is liquid fat and anything that delicious MUST be bad for you.

And, that Chicken McNugget weding cake is genius and looks better than any wedding cake I've ever seen.

Hell, I'd like to cover a slice of that cake with some Egg Nog. Now that's some eating.

Merry Christmas.

SL

tiggysmum70 said...

I think "I want a Hippo for Christmas" is a great Christmas song; however there are many who disagree with me!

McD's chicken nuggets are better than most places, with the exception of Wendy's I think.

EggNog..... YUCK!

Have a great time w/ Santa and Disney!

BTW my son had black virus brain a few months ago. He made the nurse write that down on his chart. Don't know where he got that one from, but it was sure genius.

I like the song Montgomery and Gentry sing... "Merry Christmas from the Family."

tiggysmum70 said...

Definitely Montgomery Gentry's version is better!!!

Georgie B said...

The Robert Earl Keen song is a classic.

I hear it all the time on the college radio stations. Even heard an excellent cover version of it as well.

Have a Merry Christmas.

Travis Erwin said...

Montgomery Gentry isn't fit to drink Robert Earl's spit. He wrote the song and they butchered it. I've barely forgiven him for letting those buffoons cover it.

But I forgive you this time Tiggysmum, just don't mention them or Rascal Flatts again. And when you get the chance come down to Texas to experience good country music.

huddlekay said...

I'm so thankful for my daily dose of funny from you!

Hate Eggnog, but my husband loves to drink it with whiskey in it. *Rum would probably be good too!*

I really am not a christmas song person, at all but there is one christmas song by the Beatles that to me sounds like the equivalent of nails on a chalk board. I cringe every time I hear it.

Happy Holidays Travis, and enjoy Disney world...

Barbara Martin said...

I happen to love The Twelve Days of Christmas, and as for having nine lords a leaping...I can imagine what use I could put them up to.

Have a wonderous Merry Christmas, Travis, and may you keep your sanity at Disneyworld.

the walking man said...

My 6 yo now tries to get out of trouble by telling me he has a disease...Out of the mouth of babes. That kid is going places.




Eggnog literally means eggs inside a small cup. It is used as a toast to ones health. Nog is an old English dialect word (from East Anglia) of obscure origins that was used to describe a kind of strong beer (hence noggin). It is first recorded in the seventeenth century. Eggnog, however, is first mentioned in the early nineteenth century but seems to have been popular on both sides of the Atlantic at that time. An alternative British name was egg flip.

http://www.whatscookingamerica.net/Eggnog.htm

David Cranmer said...

I may steal "hummingbirds on crack" :)

SUV Mama said...

:) Happy Christmas, T! Have a great trip. Buy the wife something nice at Disneyworld. And for gosh sakes, have the kid go see a "disease doctor" already!

WordVixen said...

Woot! Have at awesome time at Disney! Christmas is the most magical time to be there. (DON'T miss Osbourne Family Festival of Lights- incredible).

Adriann said...

ROTFLMBO!!!! Your son and his diseases. My son just says he can't help it.

Children are funny...

Merry Christmas!!

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Excellent blog! Excellent video and Merry Christmas to all.

Terrie

Barrie said...

Muffin is to cupcake as bread is to cake. Not that you were really asking....

Merry Christmas!

The Anti-Wife said...

Merry Christmas!

J. L. Krueger said...

Funny Travis!

Some of the things in the "12 Days of Christmas" are OK.

Get the partridge out the pear tree and into the oven for example.

Six more turtle doves and you have a serving.

French hens yummy (with a lovely pear sauce after you get the partridge out of the tree).

Calling birds...use them as bait for something bigger.

Gold is always welcome.

Goose is tasty.

Swan not too bad either.

If the Maids a' Milkin' and Ladies Dancing are cute enough...

Yeah, keep the Leapin' Lords, Drummers and Pipers...I'll take the cows the maids were milking. There wasn't enough red meat in this song.

writtenwyrdd said...

I love eggnog. Spiced rum laced nog is pretty good, but plain is best for me.

and I confess that I like greasy salty food a lot, be it chinese or McD's.

The nugget wedding cake did strike me as really gross, too, however. Makes the hostess wedding cake made of zingers, twinkies, etc. look a lot less trashy.

Kate said...

How'd he come up with the disease excuse? That is too funny. It's definitely original.

Melanie Avila said...

OMG, this is hilarious! I just shared the line about not eating things that fall out of a chicken's arse with my husband. :) I like cupcake-top, sound such sweeter.

Mom In Scrubs said...

Nog: I tend to avoid it for the texture, not the taste issue. Nutmeg-flavored chilled snot is an appropriate and gag-worthy analogy.

Disease Defense: Brilliant!! Annoying after a time, though, I'm sure.

Robert Earl: pretty sure he's been to my in-laws' for the holidays.

Hope you're having a Mickey-riffic holiday!

Mary Witzl said...

Yes, there is a lot worse than the 12 Days of Christmas: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, on a loop. It happened to me one year; ever since then you can throw those partridges and pear trees at me until the eight maids of milking bring their cows home and I'm just fine.

I can't play that Texas song on our university computers -- no fair!

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