Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Never Trust a Man With a Pinky Ring

Lots of you have been asking me about our house plans, so i wanted to provide a bit of news on that front.

Rather than rebuild a home on our land out in the boonies we have decided to become townies. The half hour fire department response time raised some concerns, especially with my wife, and questions about what would happen should we ever need an ambulance. Besides, I'm not sure I have the emotional strength or the patience to go through everything involved with building a home.

Our search for a new home has been fruitful and I will deliver more news on that front whenever every last detail is finalized this Friday. Again, let me take the time to thank all of you as we would not be in this position so fast without all of the amazing support y'all gave my family. I will forever be grateful.

Now to some random craziness that I've observed while house hunting and preparing to start over.

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Green shag is more popular than you think. As is it's cousins pumpkin colored shag, and burgundy shag. (By the way if I ever write a story with a James Bond-esque villainesse I'm naming her Burgundy Shag.)

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Just because you read a newspaper article about some one's house burning down doesn't mean they want you to be their realtor. Ambulances have their lawyers, and fire trucks have their realtors. Before we know it grocers are gonna be chasing Septic trucks.

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Scented candles through the house does not disguise the fact you have 8 thousand cats living in your home. Just because Pine Sol has ammonia in it does not mean Pine Breeze aroma goes well with cat piss.

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You can list you home as quirky but that does not mean it's okay to leave underwear drying on the shower rod when the realtor shows your home.

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Tighten the screws on all you kitchen cabinets before you list your home. It's not a good selling point when a prospective buyer touches a door and has it fall clean off in his hands. Also it is more than irritating when it takes him ten minutes to get the thing balanced well enough that it will stay put.

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And realtors, when there is an 8 track stereo in the living room with 8 tracks from Kenny Rogers and Anne Murray sitting on top you really don't need to tell me an elderly couple owns the home.

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You do not have a big backyard if I can spit from the back door and have it land in the alley. Nor can you describe it as a spacious lot if it's possible to knock on the next door neighbors bathroom window from inside your own house.

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There are more red walls in the city of Amarillo than reality shows on television. Step away from the HGTV people. Step away.

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Friday people. Friday. I will have more news then.

56 comments:

Kristen Painter said...

I love a red wall. Don't have one now, but I used to. I painted that whole house white before I put it on the market tho. I know my taste is not everyone's.

Jenn Jilks said...

Great chuckles, Travis.
I once was house hunting. The rentor wouldn't let me and my agent into his basement apartment. He told us he was naked.
We said we didn't care. My realtor yelled at him through the door, "She's cute! You might want to reconsider!" No luck. Didn't buy the house.

Travis' wife said...

I even looked at a house with a monkey sitting on a barstool panted on the pantry door in the kitchen. For those of you who know me and know I am terrified of monkeys would probably know what I thought of that. The house was cute, but really? A monkey? At least it did not smell like a monkey.

Patti said...

this gave me the shivers. i don't envy you.

Phats said...

Congrats on becoming a townie!

Good luck with all the new house plans my friend, here's to getting it done quickly and awesomely

Being Beth said...

I'm just plain happy for ya, Travis. As always, thanks for the great laffs, and I'm waiting for Friday's news.

debra said...

Actually, we have a room with FOUR red walls :-)
finger crossed for you!

Crystal Phares said...

So glad it is going well. And I have to confess, I really want a red wall.

Amy said...

Travis,
I sell real estate so your list was very funny to me because I see it everyday. Those were good!

March to the Sea said...

excellent news. When we bought our place 15+ years ago now it had an avacado green stove, yellow mustard counter tops and the BROWNEST cabinet doors...

Janet said...

I'm with you on the red walls. Blech. And the word "spacious" in a real estate blurb is always a lie. They hope if they say it enough you will believe it and ignore the evidence of your eyes.

A rule of thumb is to ignore all adjectives. For a really solid house they just have to tell you what's in it without any embellishments. The more emotive adjectives there are, the more you do not want to visit that house.

yellowdog granny said...

completly off subject..i have a friend who is moving to amarillo 8-1 and doesn't know jack about the housing market..do you have an ideas?...thanks jac

Junosmom said...

The good news is that you can paint red walls. Might take a couple of coats though. Looking forward to hearing your good news.

Mailed that book today. Sorry I'm late - the wind is making me crazy.

Robin said...

Congratulations on the house, Travis. Loved the house hunting stories. They brought up a lot of repressed memories!

Perhaps I shouldn't have painted our kitchen bright orange. . .

preTzel said...

Hey! I have one red wall in my house and it looks spectacular! Of course, you must have the colors that go with it to set it off and mine is more deep burgandy than red.

I don't envy you the house hunt. Cat piss? *shudder* I'd have run fast. Can't wait to hear more!

Sharla said...

Love the red walls! Going to have a red wall in my living room soon! I have a red fetish, which if you go to my blog is quite apparent.

Burgundy Shag! Shaken not stirred. Cracks me up. :)

WordVixen said...

*lol* One correction: I like 8 track players and hubs likes Kenny Rogers. Seriously. He just bought KR's Greatest Hits on Saturday.

Wow. You. In a town. I can't wait to see the posts after you move in!

WordVixen said...

@Jenn Jilks- Bwahahahahah!

Janna Qualman said...

Burgandy Shag: LOVE it.

Hooray on the home front! Best with it.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I don't hate red. What I LOATHE are "focus walls" where one wall is painted a color, usually combined with neutrals.

People, people. I used to do this for a living. Look in real decorating magazines. There won't be a "focus wall" in sight.

jerseygirl89 said...

I liked the first couple of red walls I saw when I was first house hunting. In 2001. Now, not so much.

But I'm excited for you and can't wait to hear all about the new place.

Burgundy Shag may be the best character name I have ever heard.

Charles Gramlich said...

I once had a student named Orangello, which seems close to Burgundy Shag to me. Loved the idea of 'balancing' the cabinent door. I've done that.

Barbara Martin said...

House hunting is indeed a learning experience, and Friday's tale will reveal all.

Cloudia said...

Good luck, Travis! LOL & Aloha-

Annie said...

I'll keep all that in mind when I house hunt!

dee said...

We've seen some interesting houses lately and yes,even though we bought our house just a few months ago, when the ones next to us have open houses we go....partly to laugh at what people think looks good on a wall and partly to know we got the best deal in the neighborhood....which it turns out we did...hope the same for you eventhough its in *gasp* town.....

Anonymous said...

When I was househunting the realtor showed me a house and he was full of 'this is everything you asked for,' and generally it was. It was plenty big, 3/4 bedrooms, 2 baths, finished basement, 2 car garage, and the asking price was less than I would have expected.

Probably, as I noticed and as seemed to have eluded the realtor, there was no door but the front door. No side door, no back door, no door from the garage to the house. Front door only.

Why would anyone wall themselves in that way? I'm guessing it was once occupied by someone in the witness protection program.

Deborah Elliott-Upton said...

Since we've been house hunting, too, I can agree that there seems to be at least one red wall in almost every house on the market. The other walls are usually bright yellow.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

God. I LOVE Steve Earle's music.

As to being a townie, it ain't half bad. I miss the country, but not the inconvenitnce.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

um. i meant "inconvenience"!

Josh said...

dam you have some great posts man, I look forward to reading em.

the walking man said...

We've been through a hundred houses and outside three hundred more in the past year of looking. Glad you found what you and your woman want in a place.

Georgie B said...

The beauty of house hunting is almost as bad as the beauty of attempting to buy a car through private hands.

Another sign that the house may have had elderly occupants: If you get a glimpse of the contents of a tool shed, and you see enough implements to put a garden nursery to shame, chances are, the owner was above the age of 70 and not sound of mind.

Bubblewench said...

Nice observations! Love Burgandy Shag.. that's a great one..

Best of luck, hope it all goes well Friday.

Beth said...

Hope you flushed the toilets and turned on the faucets in the houses you looked at! My sister avoided a potential plumbing disaster by doing so when looking for a new home.

Erica Orloff said...

OMG, I laughed out loud. Especially the scented candles one.

I bought my current house on the Internet and moved in . . . never saw it in person until the day of closing. I have no patience for shopping--house, car, clothes. My sister and her husband did check it out for me. I trust my sister. A LOT.

E

pita-woman said...

Am so laughing at this one.
I hated house shopping, although I do look forward to some day getting out of the place we're currently in. We'll definitely have to move out & then hire a contractor/repairman to come in and overhaul the place before we could even attempt to sell it though. I can't even begin to imagine how a realtor would try to describe our house.
Don't think I could ever be a townie... suburbs is as close as I'm willing to get.
Looking forward to your news!

Rocketstar said...

Cat urine, there is no way to disguise it and there is no better way to lower the price of your home.

Melanie Avila said...

I have two red walls, but they are the smallest walls in my house. When my parents bought their current house in '96, it had RAINBOW shag carpeting. That moved into the garage (aka, my dad's Dog House) and has since gone to shag carpet heaven.

This post made me smile for two reasons: I'm glad you're able to buy a house, and you're very funny. I can't wait for Friday's post!

Beans said...

The best is when someone tries to throw up the cheapest temporary wall they can install themselves, to split off a room and add one to the number of bedrooms being offered. When we were house hunting we saw one where you could literally see light coming through where the temporary wall met the real wall. It has its downs but I loved looking at different houses. It did get frustrating and disapointing because every time we found one we liked it was gone before we could blink. But its so awesome when you find the house you know will be your new home. Good luck!!!

Hilary said...

Too funny.. as is your wife's comment. I'd sure like to know why the monkey was panting though... ;)

laughingwolf said...

lol... burgundy shag related to shaggy, on scooby-doo? :P

yeah, real estate hucksters are like all hucksters... seems like you have all kinds of losers there :(

hope your find is more to your liking

paint can, mostly, cover all kinds of faults... g'luck

Mary Witzl said...

Believe me, if you smell PineSol or scented candles in someone's house, they are usually a sign that there is cat pee underneath. I speak as one with experience, though I know you've already found this out.

Love Burgundy Shag as a Bond girl's name.

Mary Witzl said...

And would Kenny Rogers and Anne Murray tapes really make a couple elderly? Jeez, that is scary.

pattinase (abbott) said...

Those red walls are in half the dining rooms here too. Who started that fad?

Clare2e said...

I love Burgundy Shag, too. Epic Femme Fatale!

Before buying our lovely manse (drain issues aside), I drove to hundreds of sites and toured around 50 homes, plus I have a background in real estate.

I've seen horrors, like a rumpus room with a 6-foot ceiling, red vinyl booths, and bullfighting murals. Hot tub in corner. Bleached my eyeballs just for looking at it.

Most busy people don't want to have to work so hard to make a house habitable, so if you want yours to turn over in a crowded market, move-in clean and tight is a must, even if the place isn't new. Do I have to explain that a 3-bed, 2 bath litter box isn't move-in ready, except for Tony the Tiger maybe?

Teresa said...

I love the name "Burgundy Shag", Travis, and I hope to read her adventures on your blog in the future. Or at least the pitch about her adventures when you enter your next contest.

Glad you found something you like. Your house hunting stories are hilarious.

lyzzydee said...

I don't blame you for not rebuilding, its another big project when buying would enable you to settle quicker!!
Good luck for Friday

Merry Monteleone said...

I actually kind of like the monkey on the barstool... then again, I have an aunt who has a huge (4 foot at least) brass parrot on a perch hanging in her bathroom... that bathroom is bigger than my boys' bedroom... complete with tub large enough for four, separate shower, two person sink, etc...

I think it's cool, but you know, if you hate it that much you could always paint over it... or in the parrot's case, sell it on ebay.

Good luck with the house hunting!!!

Shauna Roberts said...

Travis, I'm so glad you decided to buy a place in town. After watching how long it took people after Katrina to rebuild (and I have friends who aren't finished yet), I dreaded the thought of you and your family not having a real place of your own for possibly years. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly tomorrow and you will have a new house by the end of the day.

Michele said...

We once looked at house with orange shag carpet throughout the first and second floor. It would've cost way too much to replace, but I'll never forget that house.

And homes should never, ever smell like vegetable soup. We lasted exactly 15 seconds before we left. Blech.

Congrats on getting a new place! Can't wait to read more about it. :)

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

When we looked at the house we now live in, the ownersdidn't have indoor cats, but a 17 year old dog who that they claimed stayed in the attached garage mostly. I tend to believe them, because the house has had no odor problems. But the garage? Oh my holy hell - - we got to work and moved out old rugs they had down, and then cleaned the floor and painted all the walls. The odor is gone, thank goodness!

Good luck, Travis. I hope you are all very happy in your new home!

Jenster said...

Um, it's Friday. Just sayin'. :o)

Excited to hear about the new digs sans the Burgundy Shag. (Yeah, baby!)

Scott Lessard said...

I used to wear a pinky ring. Gold nugget with an 'S' in diamonds.

What can I say? I'm 1/4 Italian and dated a girl 100% Sicilian.

SL

Lana Gramlich said...

ROFL @ the whole damned post! I love the villainess "Burgundy Shag" in particular.

Your other wife said...

I love red walls and hgtv what are you talking about red would go great with that horrid animal head you want to hang on your wall!!!!