Friday, March 6, 2009

Randomocity

How come you rarely see men by themselves at Target. What is it about the store that keeps us, the bearded, the hairy armpitted, the testicled away? You see a few guys but you they are nearly always with women and you can see it on their face that they are there against their will. Myself included, but even I can't say why if I have to run grab something I'll go to Wal-Mart, The Dollar Store, or my real preference some kind of locally owned specialty shop. I have never ventured into Target alone. And their symbol is a bulls eye. Heck that's a lot manlier than Wal-Mart's goofy bright yellow happy face.

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Speaking of we Y chromosomers and our shopping tendencies, I have decided that Kleenex would go broke if we did all the shopping. Most of my readers are women, and classy women at that, but for you guys who read this have you ever bought a box of Kleenex for anything other than your kid to take to school? I'm of the opinion that tissues are one of the worlds largest scams, like greeting cards, mock turtle necks, wine coolers, and non-alcoholic beer.

I'd be perfectly content to forever from this point on only blow my snout into toilet paper, paper towels, and if no woman is within five hundred yards you can always do the plug-one-nostril-and-let-it-fly into the atmosphere nose cleaning technique. Just for curiosity has any woman ever cleared her sinus's in that manner? More importantly, would she be brave enough to admit it here on this blog?

Guys what other worthless womanly products can you conjure up. And to play fair, gals what kind of worthless crap do you wish we men would not buy?

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Speaking of worthless and crap. Look at this picture of an actual product from The SkyMall catalog.


I don't care how long your flight is, how can having a full time replica of a defecating dog stuck in your lawn be better than the occasional dog turd? At least that offers a tad bit of fertilizing properties. having a defecating dog symbol just highlights to the neighbors and the world that you are an anal dog hater. PETA might even launch a protest on your lawn for denying canines the world over the right to poop in peace. Heck it would be better that most of the other stuff that group spends their money protesting.

By the way I first spotted the above picture on the Hotfessional Blog so go check it out for more laughs.

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Six days and counting until we get our new place. I've been driving by and stalking the current owners and it seems to me they should be doing more to remove their crap than they are. And before any of you get the wild hair to buy the above yard ornament for me as a house cooling present just remember I am a devious fella who enjoys the robust taste of retribution. And yes I said house cooling, don't you people think we've had quite enough house warming for one lifetime?



p.s. In case you missed it. Our last house has something in common with both Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson's hair.

56 comments:

Janna Qualman said...

Why, no, no I haven't emptied my sinuses in such a way. LOL! But I do know a woman who does...

My husband refuses to darken the doors of Target. But oh, how I love it!

Yay for moving day! May it get here quick. And may the previous owners be all moved out.

Jenn Nixon said...

I hate shopping unless it's for DVD's or video games. I hate shoe shopping. I hate clothes shopping. I hate grocery shopping.

I hate target more because I rarely walk out of one without spending at least $100.

You're no crazier than a girl who hates to shop and only has four pairs of shoes. lol

Julie Weathers said...

I hate Target. No idea why.

Re blowing one's nose. No, I don't do the one nostril thing and hated it when husband did it. Invariably he did it when leaving a restaurant. I tried to distance myself from him so people inside wouldn't know I was with the heathen ruining their dinner.

I am out of Kleenex as we speak and I will be getting more. The roll of toilet paper on my desk just isn't as attractive or soft.

I'm delicate.

mrsb said...

My guess is because too many "manly men" don't want to be seen by themselves in a store nicknamed "Tar-zjay".

Meanwhile, none of my gay friends would be caught dead in there because it's tacky.

*shrugs*

It's my go to place for cheap, striped knee socks :O)

Nerd Goddess said...

I don't really mind using toilet paper as a tissue, although when I have an actual house and a family I'll probably by tissues again.

And, by the way, those boogers land somewhere, and then we have to clean it up. :)

I don't really have a preference over target, wal-mart, shopko, or whatever. It's all kind of the same to me.

pita-woman said...

Wow, so many comments come to mind for this one...
Personally, I'm not a fan of Target, I think they're over-priced compared to Walmart & pretty much the only thing I ever went in there to purchase was a particular feminine hygene product not available at other stores (tmi?).
As for the Kleenex, I've got to say, my husband uses probably more Kleenex then I do. I frequently use a handkerchief, which he shuns for some reason. But he does use a lot of papertowel as well for nose blowing.
I can't say I've done the one-finger against the nose blowing method, but I will admit to blowing my nose in the shower. What can I say?, the steam loosens up my sinuses.
As for the dog pooping, I don't mind other dogs pooping on our lawn, just as long as their owners have the courtesy to pick it up and take it with them when they're done.

Being Beth said...

I seriously thought about using the anonymous identity, but heck, if I won't own myself, then who will?

Ok, I too hate Target, even though my daughter has the cutest collection of Target stuff. Actually, I hate shopping unless it's wandering around antique shops, but I do that for inspiration for my stories. I shop when I absolutely have to, and I make a list, run in to the closest and smallest store I can find, do my business and get out into the fresh air.

I have blown my nose in every possible way and on anything handy, including my shirt sleeve, shirt tail, blowing into the wind (not real successfully though), and in younger years, just slurping it down. Sorry.

Growing up as a country girl, I've left my "scent" and "marked my zone" in a number of places besides a restroom, and ok, I honestly like doing it outside.

Useless guy stores? Best Buy -- it's loud, it's crowded, it's full of drooling men hunting down a new mistress for their harem of television sets. Funny how they like their women sleek and thin, and their TV's wide and large, filled with gooey plasma. They even measure them diagonally so they can get the highest inch count. Hey -- I have a pretty good inch count when measured on the bias too!

My main beef though is the hoarding of broken things from which a guy might someday harvest a part. I'm not talking old nuts and bolts, nails, etc., it's the ten old computers we have stored (starting with our original Mac Classic down through Dells too numerous to count, the three computers my guy built himself, printers that don't print (even the dinosaur dot matrix variety), boxes of random cables and chargers from countless cell phones along with all those old phones, we even have three long boxes of computer cards from my husbands college programming class -- the program only runs on a computer that once took up an entire building.

Did I mention the TV harem graveyard??? Dead mistresses neatly lined up like headstones along the garage wall each with her own unique remote duct taped to her back? I don't get it.

One last thing -- I guess Q-tips fall in the same category as a tissue. My man won't use them and insists upon unfolding a paper clip to get to that itch, and leaves them lying around on things like the night stand or his dresser. I just dust around them. Eeewww.

pita-woman said...

Okay Beth, I think your husband & mine must be related... not the q-tip thing (that my husband does use), but the "saving" things because he "might" have a need for it... someday.

Realmcovet said...

Yer so funny Travis. :)

Yes, I do the "Farmer Blow", and I do it with pride. Of course, this is the same girl who used to have nails and screws protruding from her combat boots with FEAR written in white out on one side and ANARCHY on the other. I've been schooled a bit in acceptable social behavior since then. Sometimes Snookms and I will have a contest seeing who can shoot who's snot further.

And I LOVE Target. I could live there. Serious. But I do find tissue and paper towels useless. Especially considering we have the "Farmer's Blow" as an option. :)

Sarah Laurenson said...

Yep, the shower does loosen things up nicely and then it all goes down the drain. A coworker of mine blew his nose into the sink at work yesterday. Um - Disgusting! But that kitchen is usually quite the mess. Seems real men don't clean up after themselves either.

I like Target in limited doses. I don't like the screaming kids, getting bumped with carts by idiots who haven't a clue. I do like the bargains and getting a wide variety of things quickly in one store. I'm not fond of shopping.

I love tissues and have to have them with me all the time.

Travis' Wife said...

Let me begin saying Travis does not blow his nose like that infront of me. For a teacher I have the weakest tummy in the world, I think I would have the worst mess.

I am a Target shopper, the Target we have is cleaner and brighter than the walmarts in our town.

I cannot think of anything useless Travis buys. He does not shop even when shopping. Target for example has a little snack shop thing that he sits in, when I am finished I come by get him and he checks out with me.

He only goes to stores with me that have sitting areas. If there is not a sitting area he doesnt go.

Reb said...

Well, Target hasn't made it up here yet, so I can't say anything about it, but I can honestly say that I avoid Wal-mart like the plague. Hell, I avoid shopping at the best of times!

As for the "farmers blow", never. I once sneezed into my hand in a store and then discovered that I didn't have a tissue with which to wipe it up.It was a warehouse type store, so didn't have any handy amenities either. It wound up inside my jeans pocket, I was totally grossed out and haven't gone anywhere without a tissue since.

Janet said...

I haven't yet walked into a Target. But then again, we don't have them in Canada.

As far as I'm concerned, one cheap department store is like another. They're very good for buying certain types of things but I go elsewhere for major purchases. I never go out of my way to go to any of them. OK, almost never.

Duck said...

Well it looks like I'm the first "man" to comment on this bad boy of a post. Speaking for myself, here goes:

1. I love Target, not sure why. I've been in there several times by myself without shame.

2. I don't like the idea of that nose blowing tactic. I'm kind of afraid I'd end up like Ben Stiller in Something About Mary. It just doesn't seem like there's enough control of the trajectory. Plus it's just basically disgusting...

3. If I had a neighbor with a sign like that, I'd work very hard to train my dog to crap right on top of it. That's ridiculous.

One of these days I'll have to officially turn in my man card I guess.

Bubblewench said...

I will admit I have done the snot trick.. it works.

I'm also a fan of burping, farting and spit contests. My husband and I see burping as a form foreplay.

He's not a huge Target fan. Thanfully there's a Lowes right next door for him when I go to Target.

Your PS had me cracking up!

Kristen Painter said...

I wish my husband would stop buying golf equipment. How much does one man need anyway?

Monnik said...

I will admit that I do the farmer's blow (that's what we call it around here) when I'm out on a run. And I'm not afraid to say it. Just about every runner I know does it too.

One of our neighbors has that dog poo sign in his yard. I think that is SO ridiculous. If you're pretentious enough to care about dog poo in your yard, the high class dog doing his business sign doesn't really mesh, does it?

Cloudia said...

17 comments in 2 hours?!
Travis you are a wonder.
Target just opened here and I'm over-eager to shop there. And yes, I agree about tissues - but my husband likes them when he's sick.

This post was chuck full of good stuff. Anyone else would have made it 2 or three posts. No wonder we all swing by to see what you're up to.
Happy House-cooling!
My MTM post is set to publish on Monday. Aloha & best wishes-

Melissa Marsh said...

Ugh. The Farmer's Blow method for blowing your nose has got to be one of the most disgusting things ever. Blech!

I shop at Target because it's close and I must say I prefer it over Walmart. It's a much more calming, relaxing atmosphere.

Sharla said...

Kleenex are for my office. Toilet paper works just fine at home! My nose isn't that precious.

Love Target, but my hubby won't go in there alone either. He'll do Walmart but it's a quicky trip.

Someone had the qtip comment. My son seems to think that anything containing residue of his bodily whatevers needs to be left behind for others to enjoy. Kleenex, q-tips, cotton balls. A man in the making and going to make someone miserable someday.

My hubby won't use the q-tips either. He uses the pointed handle of fingernail clippers. Another ewwwww.

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

AHHHH snot rockets. my husband and my daughter are guilty of those...

desperatewriter said...

Yes, enough with the housewarming. :) You know I actually saw one of those little doggies in the yard of the neighborhood I'm stalking to move into.

Melanie Avila said...

OMG, Travis, you crack me up!

Yes, I've used that method to clear my nose but it was a last resort and I was in the middle of nature with no other options. I do not make a habit of it, unlike a LOT of Mexican men that I have the good fortune to always be walking behind.

Aleta said...

Nope, never cleared my sinuses that way and ~ ewww ~ to the idea! (My hubby would disagree with you about the kleenex and I'm so not saying why!)

Target is a "pretty" store. It's cleaner than Wal-Mart, more pleasing to the eye... never thought about it, but it's true, men rarely go shopping there. Lol.

Oh and that dog sign ~ one of my neighbors has one. Too funny.

your other wife said...

Kevin did the snot rocket thing gross. He rode with a girl that did it too! I don't like target I am a walmart person. you should be open to shopping it is very therapuetic! I can' always go you know!

Ello said...

I want to buy you that defacating dog!!!!!!! Ha ha!

Listen kleenex is good! Especially when you have a very very bad cold and a nose that is so sore that it makes hemorroids feel good!

Crystal Phares said...

Never cleared my sinuses that way. Hubby does...grosses me out! Kleenex good, open air blowing bad.

I'm so excited about your house! congrats!

Rebecca said...

Let's see...My dh doesn't "hate Target. He'll go with me,and even look around. Can't remember him ever going on his own though.

We don't have any Kleenex in our house. I have some in my office for when students come in to cry about failing a test.

As for the farmer's blow...first, keep in mind that I am a country girl, and a tom-boy. That being said, I have attempted this a few times, and it just doesn't seem to work well for me. Maybe I just need to keep working on it...practice does make perfect...

Useless stuff for men? Why does a man need a 5,308 piece mechanic's set? Seriously, how many sockets do you need? Also, stink bait. Can't you catch fish with worms? Or even corn? I think it's just their affinity for foul odors that attracts them to purchasing stink bait. Has their been any research into it's efficacy versus non-stink bait?

Annie said...

Sad, but true, I've been forced to blow my nose in many unlady like ways. I have suffered from terrible allergies for most of my life. Sometimes, a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do.

Just don't tell my daughter, because there are just certain things a lady doesn't do: sweat, belch, fart, or wipe her nose on her sleeve.

Jennifer said...

Worthless things I wish men would not buy: convenience store burritos. Not only are they worthless, but unhealthy beyond belief. My husband and both sons seem to think they're required road trip food.

Bea said...

My husband will occasionally go to Target IF the dog or cat food is on sale. He won't take me there because he says that I want everything there.

I like the house cooling idea!

the walking man said...

Travis' Wife said...Oh man you are busted! ha ha ha ha ha ha

I don't go to Wal Mart or Tarjay and when I do get roped into going to the store with the old lady; I am that old guy sitting in the car waiting ...and waiting...and waiting some more.

preTzel said...

Might I just say that the whole "nose blowing" issue made me gag? My husband eschews Kleenex/tissue for toilet paper. It drives me bonkers because my boys have started this habit too. That means that I could be in the bathroom taking care of my lady business and reaching for...oops it's not there because all the males have them somewhere else to blow their snout. :(

Charles Gramlich said...

I firmly believe there are many many things that would not exist if women didn't buy them. Most greeting cards for example. What man would ever buy or send one unless he was forced to by a woman, either literally or figuratively.

gigihawaii said...

Haha. My husband is the one who wants to shop at Target. It has a grand opening tomorrow, and he can't wait.

This is a guy who likes to comparison shop. He will compare Target with Kmart, which is also in our district.

Me? I can't be bothered.

G said...

I'm not afraid to admit that I shop at Target (about once a quarter).

I think women (at least my wife and mother does) go overboard in buying hand soap and shampoo.

Glad to hear that moving day is moving closer and closer for you.

I'm always running out of Kleenex (allegeries are just SO MUCH FUN), so I use whatever is handy: TP, napkins, paper towels, etc.

Hilary said...

Hilarious post. I would imagine the yellow paint would soon wear off in the sun and all you'd have left is a perpetually pooping dog on your lawn.

Good luck with the new place. Enjoy. :)

angel, jr. said...

I don't think I've ever bought a box of Kleenex, unless someone asked me to.
Hmmm, come to think of it, I don't use them unless someone else has bought the box and made it available to me. I usually use paper towels to do whatever trick needs to be done.

dizzblnd said...

Now that you mention it, you are absolutely correct, never a lone man in Tar-Jay. I should know, I spend hours in there.

My dad did the "tissueless nose-blow" ALL the time when I was a kid.. he still does. I will do it, but only while I am in the shower. There I said it.

Congrats on gettin closer to moving in to your new house. What a triumph. I am so glad you had so much support to help you and your family through.

Josephine Damian said...

One of these day I'll jump back on the My Town Monday band-wagon and do a Big Pussy edition and by Big Pussy I mean this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincent_Pastore

Did you know there's also a Son of Sam- New Rochelle connection? I'll do a My Town post about that once my screenplay about Son of Sam is done.

Josephine Damian said...

PS. It's my personal opinion that men should be banned from all supermarkets - they just wander around like they haven't a clue.

Linda McLaughlin said...

My DH will shop at Target, though he's more likely to go to Wal-Mart while I'm the opposite. That's where we bought our TV converter boxes. The DH doesn't believe in using a paper napkin if there's a paper towel handy. And no, I've never blown my nose that way, mostly because I'd be afraid of it landing on me instead of the sidewalk. My dad used to do that all the time. Hope your new house is all cleaned out on time so you can move in. Cool.

Btw, I'll have a MTM post on Monday, a special Las Vegas edition. Driving home tomorrow.

Merry Monteleone said...

Umn... noseblowing... yes. Well, into something other than the floor, air, or other people... preferrabley toilet paper... but yeah, plugging one side while blowing is the easiest way to actually clear it out... sorry, I'm not a normal chick... but at least I do that in my own bathroom and not in public.

And I don't buy kleenex either, and my mother and mother in law hate me for it... I usually use paper towel (I know, ladies, I'm abnormal)... or toilet paper.

Happy moving day, you know, early... If I can't get you the dog yard thing... maybe I can send you a pink flamingo... oh, or do you have a pool? One of those signs that says "I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool!"

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

God, Travis!

I HATE the way men do that clear their sinuses thing.

But you cracked both ThatManILove and I up with this post!

Barbara Martin said...

Explain to me what kind of store "Target" is, because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Josh said...

lol, great blo again man

Lana Gramlich said...

I admit to having blown my nose in the...delicate fashion you describe here in the past. I also used to have spitting contests with my brother (& can still go for distance, if I have enough phlegm to get the weight up.) How's THAT for an admission for you? ;) *L*
BTW, I still need your new address (& insist you give it to me ASAP, so I can get your housewarming gift in the mail!)
(Sorry for the recent absence...just been WAYYYY too swamped lately!)

Angie Ledbetter said...

No snot slinging for me, but I did used to dip Skoal for a time. Does that count? :)

Congrats on closing in on the house. Do ya have any friends left after the last house warming to help you move? A bloggy house cooling party would be pretty nice too.

Could you look up that yard ornament in the catalog and let me know if it comes in an indoor model type? :)

Michelle H. said...

plug-one-nostril-and-let-it-fly into the atmosphere nose cleaning technique.

Um...pretty graphic and a tad stomach-churning. I was sure you would have mentioned the ol' magazine blowing technique.

I've been in Target 3 times, and never found anything I wanted. It was a graveyard with most of the salespeople all back in the electronics section playing Guitar Hero. There's just something... eerie about that place.

spyscribbler said...

Oh man, my husband uses all our hand towels and washcloths! I'm sorry, but once it's used for that, I just can't bring myself to wash my face with it, even if it's been washed in boiling hot water and bleach.

I have emptied my sinuses in such a way, when I was a runner. Other than that, I use the underside of my night shirt.

Okay, okay. Sometimes I use toilet paper. Once in awhile paper towel. Never a Kleenex. Don't like 'em. Too thick and too scented.

debra said...

Well, Travis, I'd consider getting
one of those little doggie things if our dogs could read....

dondu7 said...

I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR MOTHER BUT WAYNE NEWTON IS ONE OF THE KINDEST,SWEETEST MEN I'VE EVER MET! MAYBE YOUR MOM WAS BEING OBNOXIOUS!

Teresa said...

Travis, I loved this post. My husband does the snot rocket thing, usually in the kitchen or bathroom sinks, and then he just leaves it for me to clean. UGH.

I don't like Target, but my husband loves it and Wal-Mart. He comes home with the craziest things but so far no pooping dog, thank goodness.

Barbara, Target is a very cheap variety store. Does Canada still have Woolworth's Five and Ten? I think there used to be one in Vancouver, BC in the 60's. I don't know if they have them in Toronto. Woolworth's seems like an upscale department store compared to Target. You probably get the picture. I think most of the Target products were made by child and prison labor in China...

WordVixen said...

The funny thing is, it was my husband that insisted on putting a box of tissues in every room of the house. I use them now, but if left to my own devices, I use toilet paper unless I have a cold (too rough then). It's cheaper, lasts longer, and takes up less space.

Kateyamatey! said...

Ew @ the booger thing. Too many kids do that. Only they aim for your pants in pre-school. And as for the no pooping sign..I would like to meet the dog that could read it. My dog would pee on it and crap next to it..why? BECAUSE HE CANT READ.

Kateyamatey! said...

It would be nice if he could read though. I would as him to read the funnies out loud just to stare at him. I sound odd. Im going to stop.