Friday, May 1, 2009

Joe Knows Taters?

A little story inspired by the spam folder of my email.

Joe was minding his own business when Erixxxa said, "Look at my to pixxxs," but Joe was too busy trying to develop the skills to become a certified nursing assistant, to appreciate what was no doubt a really good gift. Going from nothing to luxury wasn't easy for Joe, but he really wanted to wear pajamas to work and never have to leave the house.

Working hard to get a degree from home Joe got lonely so he began searching for true love. Jenny, and Sofia smiled his way but he couldn't afford to date until he learned to stop living from paycheck to paycheck. Joe tried to learn the art of culinary magic, but the instructor kept asking, "Is your colon weighing you down?"

That same chef that had no qualms discussing Joe's colon shuddered at the mere mention of utterly disgustingly unwanted hair. When Joe failed to wipe away unwanted hair he gave up his exciting career change opportunity. Cooking didn't provide Joe with money when he needed it most so he learned how to grow fresh blueberries each and every week. Joe had some amazing 8 foot tall blueberry bushes, but his cable bill was still too high, and all that berry picking eventually gave Joe a hernia.

Wouldn't you know it. The patches used in hernia surgery are causing serious problems and now Joe must cure a sagging libido. Joe says, "It's hell getting old."

But he better hurry and heal because there are younger women searching for older men and hot babes wanna chat right now and Joe is still lonely. Sexy Lexi made him a loan offer, but Joe wanted love not moolah madness. then one day he answered an ad that read claim your windfall inheritance and he fell in love with Dr. Lowenstein and her anti aging formula. They took a free trip to the Caribbean and it seemed Joe was set for life. But URGENT! news from Iraq came and Joe read the telegram with a heavy heart Your home is at risk! Bolster your manhood and fight for your freedoms. Twelve inches of hard muscle helped Joe vanquish the blues, but then the doctor said, "Washington liberals are draining your bank account," and I'm leaving you. His heart broken Joe adopted a new motto. Refused to work! Soon Joe could not delay the bankers from foreclosing. The end is near for Joe but then again, nothing lasts forever.

The green words come directly from the subject line of my spam folder. I don't mind spam, but prefer it to be served along side fried taters. Hope y'all have a great weekend.

24 comments:

Brian in Mpls said...

That is awesome!!

Literary Nut said...

That was great! I love how creative you are!

mrsb said...

Best use of spam ever!

Bina said...

I LOVE this!!!! You are so good and so funny!

alex keto said...

I've heard that to make Spam that you need a herd of pigs, a stick of dynamite, a trash compactor, and an easy bake oven.
Any truth to this?

ddusty said...

Hey, Trav--

You've made Spam Salad. Yum. Terribly funny. Thanks.

Being Beth said...

Yum -- spam casserole! Great use of spam and imagination.

Jon said...

I'm always wondering how they know the exact thing that I need to get... like breast implants... oi...

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I'm glad you found some use for spam!

Deborah Elliott-Upton said...

I heard a radio commercial once that called Spam the 5th food group. But, that was prior to Internet spam, which is its own food group usually called garbage.

Dawn said...

Most could have come straight from my own spam filter although for some reason absolutely NOBODY cares about the health of my colon. Sob! Not a solitary offer to do whatever they want to do with it! It's a cold uncaring world!

Suzanne said...

Hey you! Yes, I finally read the damn thing down below my current postessessssses!!! Love you darling and thanks. And this post. Well, it's absolutely, ridiculously hilarious. Now you know me darling. I don't eat meat, so spam? *Covers mouth with hands and whispers in the best Monty Python voice of all..."Spam, Spam, Spam.* What? You'd expect less? Please. I have my dignity.

XO

the walking man said...

While funny I wonder at your current spam filter settings T.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Travis,

You are a master of creativity!

Terrie

lyzzydee said...

Excellent, That made far more sense than anything that usually arrives in my spam box!!!
My faves are the ones that are badly translated, always good for a giggle!

Charles Gramlich said...

OK, that kind of makes sense. And that is a very scary thing.

Lana Gramlich said...

Bwah ha! At least ONE good thing's come out of all of that spam now!

Michelle said...

This was so fun to read! It's like 'Spam Madlibs' - awesome!

Cloudia said...

LOL!
Aloha

pattinase (abbott) said...

You clever, dog, you.

Crazy Charm said...

Hilarious! This needs to be published, somewhere!

G said...

That was so cool.

I'm afraid to delve any deeper into my spam folder, as most of it is from Russsia.

DrillerAA said...

You make much better use of spam than I ever could. Me, I just trash it... on my computer and in life!

Melanie Avila said...

ROFLMAO!! Pure awesomeness.