Saturday, May 16, 2009

Oscar Ain't Got Nothing On Me

I'm grouchy.

Here it is Saturday afternoon and I'm supposed to be at Homer's Backyard Ball, hanigng out with friends and listening to this great lineup of music.


But now, mother nature decided to make this one of the five days a year we actually get rain. So while I'm waiting for the weather to clear let me spread my good cheer and write about a few other things that bug me.

These phrases need to go the way of the payphone and become extinct, or at the very least very rare.

I just puked a little in my mouth - This might have been funny once upon a time in the right context, like gathered around a keg, but 99% it is simply gross and falls in the too much information category. What's next? I just crapped a little in my pants?

Don't make me open a can of whoop ass And if you have a bumper sticker or t-shirt with this printed on it you are a double doofus. Tis my experience the more elaborately some one threatens you the least likely it is they have the cajones to actually back up their words. And this phrase screams redneck on top of everything else. Besides, the threat of a can of vegetables is enough to scare me off.

I had another phrase in mind but it escapes me now so moving along to other peeves.

Swine Flu - Just like mad cow disease, the bird flu, the hanti-virus spread by mice, and West Nile from mosquito's the aporkalypse has been highly overblown. I'm not saying these inflictions cannot be serious but there is no reason for hysteria either. Wash you hands people but don't go ape shit crazy thinking the world is gonna end tomorrow because the animals are seeking revenge after years of us eating them. If that were the case I'd be public enemy #1. I just wonder what animal related disease is next. I'm pulling for goat gonorrhea because it will be lots of people explain how they caught that one.

American Idol - I know lots of you are fans and I do realize the show has discovered lots of truly talented singers that may not have been discovered otherwise, but I can't stomach the show. I've only seen bits and pieces for the last several years and it's always the same. Simon speaks the truth, albeit harshly and the crowd boos and Paula gets all up in arms and the two of them bicker back and forth in an attempt to upstage the singers. The monotony is broken up by questions of Ryan Seacrest's masculinity.

Mainstream Radio - Country or pop it doesn't matter. It's all commercial and repetitive and too bland for my liking. Satellite radio is my savior for fresh new tunes and performers willing to buck the record executives and actually create music that sings to the soul. But apparently even mother nature has sold out the the corporations and now is stifling my chance at some good live music.

See, I told y'all I was grouchy.


Rocketstar said...

The swine flu is actually getting some addtl legs, cases are not going away and actually rising. Now the actual swine flu is no more dangerous than the regular flu, it does show us how susceptible humans are to the micrscopic.

I just threw up a little in my mouth - I call those "urps". Bacon is a repeat offender.

Cloudia said...

Travis, Thanks for sharing, LOL.

Beth said...

I like your grouchy - it's real and funny. ;)

(if it's any comfort, it's been pissing rain on and off all day here, too)

Dawn said...

I'll join the club - it's raining here in my part of New Zealand too!

Rebecca said... was Homer's? Oh well...I wouldn't have been able to go today anyways. Shucks. Too bad today's weather didn't cooperate for you. You know, my parents are his Godparents, and his parents are my Godparents.

And I totally agree w/ you on AI. But what's even worse...Dancing w/ the Stars and all those Bachelor/Bachelorette shows. Seriously...who watches those? At least, like you said, AI has discovered some talented singers...Those other shows are just plain pointless.

Lauren said...

I agree with you on your list. I am definitely very over the same terms, for sure. Too bad about the rain. Funny that you blogged about American Idol since earlier today a friend and I were talking about how much of a waste of time it is. Four hours a weeks is just way more than I want to devote to TV, much less a single show.

Robin said...

Well bitch...I just began to menstruate so you got nothing on me and I'm about to get all up in you butt!
#1: you missed Homers?please tell me it's because you made PPW (which I didn't)
#2: American Idol is good clean fun for us idots! (I'm not even a music fan really...but I like it...a lot!)
#3...well, I forgot number 3...
But I didn't forget #4!

Robin said...

Which is that I adore you...sorry about the bitch comment, but hell hath no fury like a woman on a cycle? (Jen? help me out here!!!)!

Lexi said...

I agree with you on all counts!

the walking man said...

What no rain gear in Texas?

Lana Gramlich said...

I say we add "Talk to the hand ('cuz the face ain't listening)" to your list.

yellowdog granny said...

I call swine flu the Ann Coulter Flu...

Crystal Posey said...

"Don't make me open a can of whoop ass"

lol, haven't heard that in a while.

Bina said...

I could not agree more about the Swine Freaking Flu. Do these people who are freaking out realize how many people a year just from the REGULAR flu???

I'm freaking sick of it!!!!!!!

Scott said...

Alot of good stuff in this post--so I can't comment on it all (not that you'd want me to)! But yeah, the puke slogan is quite disgusting! It reminds me of a T-shirt I saw on some guy (accompanied by a girl, God knows why) at Wal-Mart one night: "I MAY NOT BE MR. RIGHT, BUT I'LL FUCK YOU TILL HE SHOWS UP!" I couldn't help but laugh myself to exhaustion--not with him, but at him! All those security cameras, and Wal-Mart let him shop there--there were children nearby, for God's sake!

And that threatening slogan you mention--I see those on cars all the time. And I completely agree--those people are just asking to be beaten-up, or even shot!

As for "American Idol", the problem with that show is its basis: That idols can be selected in a contest! Idols are people we look up to, usually long-dead! Johnny Cash is an idol, for me--his music has stood the test of time, and I consider him the quintessential country musician. But he didn't become an idol by setting out to be. And I think that's how real idols are defined--they just live their lives, doing what they do best, without expecting to become idols!