Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hammer Time

Warning those with delicate sensibilities might take offense to the crass and vulgar nature of this post, so if you fit that description please come back to visit another day.

Okay now that the prudes are gone, let me tale you a little tale followed by a Riddle Me This rant.

There I was in Walgreen's. Waiting for the young woman behind the counter to find my son's prescription. While the clerk helping me looked for the antibiotics, another young woman stepped up to the register. This second gal happened to be sporting a low cut vee neck blouse and being a red-blooded hetero male my eyes were drawn to her cleavage. Yeah I know it's sexists but damn it, some things -- like the ocean tides, Donald Trump's ever sinking comb-over line, and man's inability to look away from cleavage -- are simply too powerful to stop.

Now while I cannot always control these momentary urges I do try and maintain some form of dignity by not letting my peepers linger too long. I don't want to be the creepy guy with his hands in his pocket who can't stop leering at the valley of the dolls.

But this particular cleavage wasn't of the garden variety some I'm afraid my gaze did linger. No the woman wasn't of Pamela Anderson stature or anything substantial like that. This gal had a stud, complete with a shiny pink gemstone of some sort decorating her cleavage. Her CLEAVAGE!. Not a bellybutton, ear, lip, nose, or tongue, but the skins between her girls. The tight skin right in the center of her breastbone was puckered around the metal stud.

My first thought why?

To call attention to the area? Really ladies there is no need. As I said the vast majority of we men are gonna look anyway. And at least most of us are content with the way nature has decorated your frame so we do not need shiny gemstones to say ooh and aah.

But that got me to thinking about piercings in general. There are all kinds some more accepted than others with ears being at the top of the social pyramid. Bellybuttons and maybe noses fall next and then perhaps noses, tongues and brows.

Then there are those you find pleasure by jabbing metal through their nether regions. The storyline is a medal rod through your nipple or genitalia enhances the sexual experience. that it heightens every sensation.

Now no way am I going to verify this for myself so fine and dandy ... I'll take your word for it.

My question is who was the first man or woman who said, "I like sex and all but I just have to wonder how much better it would feel if I took a shard of stainless steel and drove it through my uh-uh."

Now that person had no real idea if it was going to heighten the experience or not. Talk about a pioneer.

But you know what I think. I think it was some drunk dumbass who did it first. Probably he was imitating his favorite cartoon character Quick Draw McGraw with a pneumatic nail gun while downing shots of Jaegermeister when suddenly things went horribly wrong. But an inebriated cool cat like that wouldn't scream out in pain just so his buddies could laugh, no siree ... he would nod his head slowly and sneer. He would point at his impaled penis and say, "Wait till momma gets a load of that tonight. Ribbed for her pleasure my ass. I'll show her pleasure. Me and my ten penny nail."

And thus a tradition was born. The rest sprang from there. So the next time you are at the airport in some long line waiting to go through the metal detector keep in mind the hold up just might be some dude with an itchy nail gun finger.

33 comments:

David said...

That's horrifying. I can't think of any other word for it.

Screwed Up Texan said...

I second David.

Teresa said...

I don't know where you come up with this stuff, Travis, but I'm still chuckling.

Dawn said...

I've just found our blog and the piercing explanation cracked me up. I've often wondered why anyone would pierce those areas but I've never wondered who did it first and why! About your profile--my favorite author in the world is Richard Peck who writes young adult books. Many of his protagonists are female, usually teens. If he can do it, so can you! BTW, I've had comments like the anonymous one above. They're weird and kinda creepy for some reason. I put word verification back on my blog because of them.

Corrie Howe said...

I think you ask great questions, not ones that I necessarily want to know the answers to...but great questions indeed.

Anonymous said...

I've wondered why would they do that more than once -- and not just about piercings but tattoos, too. I can't imagine anything that I would want to wear forever. I mean, gee, even a wedding band can be changed. Those kind of piercings don't excite me. They make me wince which I doubt is what the person intended.

Deborah Elliott-Upton said...

Rats...that last anonymous was mine. I claim what I write, so it was me. :-)

David said...

Anonymous Deborah: Weirdly, the more people get tattooed or pierced, the more they want to do it again.

Maybe the squirm factor keeps diminishing.

Rick said...

You really stirred it up this time, didn't you Travis? :)

Brian Miller said...

you know, the thoughts that must have been racing with the sound of the nail gun going off...and then the painful realization...yikes. too funny.

Shauna Roberts said...

Thanks for the laugh! Your life is so much more interesting than mine, Travis.

G said...

Oooookay....this is a first. I've heard/seen piercings on the ears, lips, eyebrows, nose, fingers, tongue, and the nether regions.

But this is the first time I've heard of a chest piercing.

Ugh.

Cloudia said...

Reminds me of being underage in a NYC bar. A guy in a trench coat threw it back revealing piercings and chains criss-crossing his whole torso (yes, nether regions hooked up too).

"Ever seen anything like this?" he leered at me..

Ahead of his time....Yucky, but ahead of his time....

Aloha, Travis


Comfort Spiral

lyzzydee said...

A few years ago some guys near here were prosecuted for nailing each others 'bit' to planks of wood!!! makes me wonder how you find like minded folk living so near by !!!

Bernita said...

Has everyone uncrossed their legs yet?

the walking man said...

I dunno sex always felt pretty good without any appliances.


What if a guy who has a barbell in the head of his yesiree was making love with a woman who had a ring through her whodoingme and they got ensnared. Untangling that mess would be like a magicians three interlocking ring trick.

I wonder which of them would be the first to say "Just give it a hard yank they'll come apart!"

Bina said...

You are so freaking funny! I love your idea of how it got started, and I don't doubt it for a minute!

Bubblewench said...

Oh I LOVE your theory. So perfect! Happy Holidays Travis!

Monnik said...

I'm cringing... And laughing.

People are strange.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

I guess some people like to feel that they are "originals." I guess they don't realize that once a dozen people in the world do something, it isn't original anymore.

Have a happy New Year.
Terrie

Anonymous said...

We're all unique, just like everyone else.

Great post, Travis. Good fodder for a chapter in a book somewhere, I suspect.

Having lived in California for a while, though, I see where this became a rage. Have to agree, I've never seen one in the middle of someone's chest, though.

val

Charles Gramlich said...

The ending of this one will leave me in stitches for days to come. I bet it happened just that way. Or it should have!

Design Goddess said...

That is just messed up!

Hilary said...

Ouch. I've never understood it either. I've never even pierced my ears.. can't imagine the rest.

Bernita's comment was tops. ;)

dirtywhitecandy said...

Just came across your blog - and want to second Dawn's comment. Publishing is full of chaps who write as ladies. Chris Ryan, the rough-tough SAS author, decided he wanted to write a family saga, so the publisher made him do it under a female pseudonym.
Stranger things have happened, but none so strange as your fellow shopper's pierced chest. Bet she was careful with dangly scarves.

DrillerAA09 said...

Now I won't be uncrossing my legs 'til sometime in February!
Happy New Year!!!

Colleen said...

Geez, I'm such a commitment phobe, even though I've toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo, I can't commit to something that permanent. This has likely saved me from a few really stupid bits of art. As for the piercings... ouch. I'm not into any sort of pain. Don't care what potential long term pleasure it might (or might not) provide.

Crystal said...

LOL I love this post.

Lana Gramlich said...

Personally I like my artificial-hole-free body just as it is. I do know someone who forced a safety pin through the bridge of his nose & wore it as jewelry, though. At least until it got all swollen & red with infection...

alex keto said...

"Me and my ten penny nail"

Lord have mercy, but ain't that a phrase that ought to belong in one of your excellent books.

Anonymous said...

Amazing as always

Ribonuff said...

This was so funny!

Junosmom said...

So hilarious I think I should just give up blogging and direct everyone to yours.