Hammer Time

Warning those with delicate sensibilities might take offense to the crass and vulgar nature of this post, so if you fit that description please come back to visit another day.

Okay now that the prudes are gone, let me tale you a little tale followed by a Riddle Me This rant.

There I was in Walgreen's. Waiting for the young woman behind the counter to find my son's prescription. While the clerk helping me looked for the antibiotics, another young woman stepped up to the register. This second gal happened to be sporting a low cut vee neck blouse and being a red-blooded hetero male my eyes were drawn to her cleavage. Yeah I know it's sexists but damn it, some things -- like the ocean tides, Donald Trump's ever sinking comb-over line, and man's inability to look away from cleavage -- are simply too powerful to stop.

Now while I cannot always control these momentary urges I do try and maintain some form of dignity by not letting my peepers linger too long. I don't want to be the creepy guy with his hands in his pocket who can't stop leering at the valley of the dolls.

But this particular cleavage wasn't of the garden variety some I'm afraid my gaze did linger. No the woman wasn't of Pamela Anderson stature or anything substantial like that. This gal had a stud, complete with a shiny pink gemstone of some sort decorating her cleavage. Her CLEAVAGE!. Not a bellybutton, ear, lip, nose, or tongue, but the skins between her girls. The tight skin right in the center of her breastbone was puckered around the metal stud.

My first thought why?

To call attention to the area? Really ladies there is no need. As I said the vast majority of we men are gonna look anyway. And at least most of us are content with the way nature has decorated your frame so we do not need shiny gemstones to say ooh and aah.

But that got me to thinking about piercings in general. There are all kinds some more accepted than others with ears being at the top of the social pyramid. Bellybuttons and maybe noses fall next and then perhaps noses, tongues and brows.

Then there are those you find pleasure by jabbing metal through their nether regions. The storyline is a medal rod through your nipple or genitalia enhances the sexual experience. that it heightens every sensation.

Now no way am I going to verify this for myself so fine and dandy ... I'll take your word for it.

My question is who was the first man or woman who said, "I like sex and all but I just have to wonder how much better it would feel if I took a shard of stainless steel and drove it through my uh-uh."

Now that person had no real idea if it was going to heighten the experience or not. Talk about a pioneer.

But you know what I think. I think it was some drunk dumbass who did it first. Probably he was imitating his favorite cartoon character Quick Draw McGraw with a pneumatic nail gun while downing shots of Jaegermeister when suddenly things went horribly wrong. But an inebriated cool cat like that wouldn't scream out in pain just so his buddies could laugh, no siree ... he would nod his head slowly and sneer. He would point at his impaled penis and say, "Wait till momma gets a load of that tonight. Ribbed for her pleasure my ass. I'll show her pleasure. Me and my ten penny nail."

And thus a tradition was born. The rest sprang from there. So the next time you are at the airport in some long line waiting to go through the metal detector keep in mind the hold up just might be some dude with an itchy nail gun finger.