Friday, April 16, 2010

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy ... unless Jack happens to be a gigolo

Proverbs. We've all heard them. Heck we've all repeated them and offered 'em up to our friends as advice. But in reality these little snippets of wisdom fail to add the complete truth to most situations. Therefore I've taken it upon myself to add some secondary clauses to some popular proverbs. The pure of heart and clean of mind might wanna bail now before my sarcasm jades your Utopian fantasies.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy ... unless Jack happens to be a gigolo.

Love is Blind ... and lust is deaf, but chances are the hotel guests in the next are not so try and hold it down.

A rolling stone gathers no moss ... but lots of weed and groupies.

Money cannot buy happiness ... though it does enable you to rent it for a few hours.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush ... nevertheless bush is still better than your hand.

Out of small acorns grow mighty oaks ... except when the squirrels find your nuts and eat them.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime ... then again he'll be eating off of Taco Bell's value menu because most of his cash will be spent at Bass Pro Shop.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder ... but it's hell on the school budget, so make your kid go to school or they'll toss your butt in jail.

Fact is stranger than fiction ... unless Christopher Moore's name is on the spine.

Boys will be boys ... except when they have surgery and change their name to Lady Gaga.

You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs ... which is fine but why the hell do you wanna eat something that just fell out of a chicken's ass anyway?

Easy come, easy go ... unless she fell asleep with her arm across your chest.

A man is known by the company he keeps ... which spells trouble for those of you still reading this post.

Don't cry over spilt milk ... wait until you dad smack you upside the head for ruining the carpet.

Blood is thicker than water ... but a water clot never killed anybody so watch out when your famiuly gangs up on you.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth ... though I'm not sure why because nothing good comes out the other end.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen ... or at least spring for a microwave.

It's better to give than receive ... especially when it comes to ass whippings.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar ... but who cares, since nobody wants flies anyway. might as well say you can catch more crabs from a cheap hooker than a barmaid.

An early bird catches the worm ... but the second mouse gets the cheese ... and the third time is the charm ... so what the heck does fourth get you. Not much but a a fifth will get your drunk.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and wise ... and most likely a virgin as well.

All that glitters is not gold ... sometimes it's only a stripper who read one to many vampire books.

Don't make a mountain out of a molehill ... because the snowboarding will suck.

Brevity is the soul of wit ... which is why I should have quit a dozen lines ago.


Okay gang, let me hear one or two of your own warped thinking.

11 comments:

Lana Gramlich said...

"...nevertheless bush is still better than your hand."

BWAH ha! Brilliant! OMG, so funny!

Anonymous said...

Were you a tad lonely today? Is the rain getting to you? This runs with would you eat a rat or a dog? Can you get a tennis ball signed? Hahahahahaha

Old Kitty said...

Oh dear!!!

What's happened? It's spring - the birds are singing, the flowers are blooming...

Oh ok, let's be grumpy! :-)

Er "Cheer up it may never happen" - shurrup and give me my change!

Sorry, it;s the best I can do at this late uncynical hour.

Take care
x

Janna Qualman said...

LOL! MUCH better.

Angie Ledbetter said...

hehe. You're a nut! Have a great weekend, you.

Bernita said...

Yup, a bird in the hand just gets you bird poop on said hand.

the walking man said...

Sordid and infamous sensuality, the most dreaded evil that issued from the box of Pandora, corrupts the entire heart and eradicates every virtue. Virtue is, of course, over rated.

G said...

You.

Are.

Bad.

:D

sybil law said...

I can't even think of any other ones!!
Excellent job. :)

Jennifer said...

Can't even begin to top yours, Travis! I just adore your warped mind...scares me a little, though. :-)

Blogger said...

I have just installed iStripper, so I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.