Wednesday, October 20, 2010

T is For Taco B is for

Age. Maturity.

These words are often paired together, but truth be told age is to maturity what books are to knowledge. One can help you discover the other but only if you bother to invest a little time and effort. In other words an entire library of books are not gonna make you any smarter unless you crack open the covers and get busy reading. And a 20 yo dumbass is gonna turn into a 30, 40, 50 and yes even a 60yo dumbass unless he/she learns from their mistakes. Yeah, I could have raised the number but 60 is at the extreme upper end of the life expectancy chart for dumbasses.

I am 37. Soon to be 38.

Am mature?

Yet another ambiguous quandary.

I at least like to think I'm more mature than say Mel Gibson who has nearly 17 years experience on me.

Then again there is Nacy Yi Fan who saw her first novel Swordbird, published by HarperCollins when she was only 12.

Today, shortly after lunch I reached a new milestone on the road to maturity. Like all lessons this one was not pretty, but in the end I will be a better man for it.

What is this new found knowledge you ask? What earth shattering discovery have I made to improve my quality of life? To a healthier and wealthier existence?

I have learned, the hard way that thinking outside the bun, running for the border, and talking Chihuahua's are detrimental to your happiness.

I have a confession to make. I am a tightwad. The fact you can buy 16 tacos for a buck fifty appeals to my frugal side. The fact ingesting those tacos raises your personal consumption of Charmin by 229% negates the saving however. Then there is the physical pain from the stomach cramps.

Like all fast food restaurants the menu board is comprised of numbers. "Give me the #3." Which might be a chulupa and a bean burrito. Or the #6 8 soft tacos and nacho's. All with a  gallon of Pepsi on the side. Life would be much easier if the name of each combo mirrored the aftermath ...

"I'll take one Rectum Wreckage Combo and another Anal Punisher but hold the lettuce on both. No scratch the Anal Punisher combo and make it a Sphincter Stretcher instead. And let me have some of those Cinnamon thingies instead of the rice and beans."

And what is up with their drink cups. That plastic is so thin that is provides horrible insulation. Right now I am staring at my Dr Pepper cup which is sweating like a two dollar whore in church. Yep, that was my last visit to the border.since the only place I'm running is the toilet.

Never again will I make like Quasimodo and ring that Bell.


Bubblewench said...

And that my friend is exactly why we call it Taco Hell. Hope you got good soft tp... the scratchy stuff just makes it worse.

Old Kitty said...

Wait till you hit 40!

Anal punisher and Rectum wreckage combo sound like twisted super heroes! LOL!!

But hold the lettuce! Take care

Debra She Who Seeks said...

And "i" stands for "imodium" -- take some! It'll cure what ails ya!

T. Anne said...

LOL! Loved your post, but love Taco Bell too! Suddenly I find myself hungry...

texlahoma said...

Believe it or not you just gave me great financial advice.
I'll invest in Taco Bell, toilet paper, plumbing, and maybe hand sanitizer.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

OMG Travis, do you know what day it is today? 20 - 10 - 2010 !!!! Not exactly sure how this relates to your diarrhea, but I'm sure it was foretold to occur on this mystical date.

G said...

Oh man, I almost choked on my supper while reading this.

I haven't gone to Taco Bell for four or five months now and it wasn't because of the food, which is average at best.

Nope, it was because of the slow service and deplorable conditions at the one nearest to where I live.

Then again, it seems to an affliction to all the Taco Bells here Connecticut.

Leah J. Utas said...

The savings just don't seem worth it.

Anonymous said...

Travis' wife says:
That's why it is Taco Villa all the way yes pricey, but oh so good!

Ashley said...

I effin' love Taco Hell; it doesn't leave me quite so wrecked as some people, and I love that it's cheap as hell. <3

That said, it's pretty much the WORST fast food for you, lol.

the walking man said...

Price withstanding i woud think a true Texan would have paid the extra dollar gone and had the real thing instead of corn tortilla's made in Connecticut mixed with Australian beef and chemical cheese stuff from Iowa.

Uh the original name was Stink or Smell

Charles Gramlich said...

Thank you, thank you. I was getting close to succumbing to an unholy urge to visit TAco bell. You have saved me.

pattinase (abbott) said...

Frugality with the food budget is something we all share around now. No need to explain.

WordVixen said...

Oh yes, I love Taco Hell... but haven't had it in years because A.) of the two that are 20 minutes away or closer, one closes down for no reason in the middle of the day, and the other is off a dangerous highway in a location that we don't like, and B.) whenever we happen to be near one, we can't afford to be stuck in the bathroom for the next 12 hours.