Day 7 ... of ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.
Today's list is for my fellow writers. Only they will get some of these.
The Top 10 Statements to Scare Off A Literary Agent
10. "Only a complete idiot would reject a book as brilliant as mine."
9. "I'm almost finished writing what my mom says is the best fiction novel she's ever read. Can I send it to you tomorrow after I finish the last three chapters tonight?"
8. "I got four words for you ... Avatar meets The Shack."
7. "I could send you my complete MS but it would be easier for everyone involved if you just went to my website and read it since I've already posted the whole thing there."
6. "I've read nearly ever book published by your clients, and let me tell you, my novel is way better than any of that crap."
5. "My book is a bitchin' story about a boy wizard with sparkly skin who unravels a secret biblical code which in turn help him to overcome his inner demons and discover true love despite the fact he was born with one leg."
4. "I'm looking for an agent that can drum up some New York excitement for the 6 novels and 1 woe-is-me memoir I originally published with iUniverse and Publish America."
3. "Tell any interested editors that I want only the symbol ~, to appear on the book where the name normally goes. If they have a huge problem with that tell them I'll allow in parenthesis (The writer formerly knows as ...) But only in exchange for full approval rights of the cover. "
2."I was gonna hand deliver my manuscript to your door last night, but you looked so tired after you got out of the shower. Then when you sat down and had that salad your skin seemed rather pale. Maybe that was the glare from the glass or it could be that my favorite blogger is right and lettuce really is the devil. anyway I decided to go ahead and send you this email."
1."And that's when the aliens finally show up to wreak havoc."