Thursday, December 16, 2010

TMI

Do writers think differently than others? Do we simply look at the world from a skewed angle others cannot see? Do we possess some rare talent that others are not blessed with? Or are we simply crazy people with an affinity for language and the written word?

Given that we writers have heads filled with fanciful ideas, endless what-ifs, and analytical ponderings I sometimes believe my brain is simply wired differently than the average person. And no doubt today's post will only reinforce the notion we writers are one step from the straitjacket.

I never read the book or saw the movie The Perfect Storm, but I now enough about the flick starring George Clooney to know it chronicles a crew of deep sea fisherman that lost their lives when a number of factors converged on them at once creating impossible conditions.

This morning, while taking a shower I experienced my own tragic Perfect Storm.

Okay, no one lost their life so perhaps it is in bad taste for me to compare my pain with those who perished on the Andrea Gail. But as the pain receptors in my body shouted SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS I thought not, what can I do to remedy this pain and make it go away but rather, How the hell did this happen.


Long before the tear producing agony slid away like the suds around the drain, I'd already recreated the series of event that led to my embarrassing infliction.

It all started with an innocent trip to Wal-mart. Where along with groceries and other sundries, I purchased this ...
Axe Shower Gel.
Then I went to a local barbecue joint and despite the fact it tasted a little funny I went ahead and ate my entire smoked turkey sandwich.


For those of you with class, and or delicate sensibilities, let me say that tainted turkey sandwich hit my intestinal track and redefined the term Turkey Trot.

Now under normal condition I might have called in sick to work and stayed really close to my home based porcelain throne, but this is December. The season of glittery gold and red Christmas cards. The month of parcels and packages mailed home to good boys and girls. The time of ultra-anal and ever-fretful Postal Supervisors. So like a good trooper I headed on to work.

But as any one who reads the newspaper knows the United States Postal Service has been struggling a wee bit in recent years. Between asinine congressional rulings, email, and internet bill paying the USPS has faced a few financial hardships. Management has cut corners. and while the toilet paper Uncle Sam used to buy was certainly  long way from Charmin the crap paper they buy these days isn't worth the very thing it is designated to remove.

Given my intestinal "situation" it didn't take long before the aforementioned skid paper rubbed my delicate sensibilities raw.






Which brings me back to that shower and that AXE Shower Gel.

 
See that little word to the right of AXE. It reads shock. And let me tell you this was no case of false advertisement.

You see this AXE gel contained Mentholatum. I don't have a clue what Mentholatum is, or where it comes from, but I know it is good for clearing plugged sinuses or relieving sore muscles. It is not however soothing to a severally chapped butt. Quite the opposite actually. Mentholatum on raw skin will make you screech like a red-assed baboon. 

And yes, I have just created an entire rambling post to tell y'all about my Perfect Storm of a inflamed butt pain. And yes, I suppose that makes me crazy. Then again you wasted a valuable portion of your day reading about it, so at least I'm not alone. So go scrawl some graffiti on the padded walls while you're hear. I love to read y'all comments.

23 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

Ouch.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I don't think the Axe people will be calling you any time soon to be their spokesperson. Or the toilet paper people, for that matter.

G said...

I almost spat my coffee at my computer screen this morning.

Oh, yeah.

OUCHIES!!!!

btw: my word verify is "reerys"

Melanie Hooyenga said...

*headddesk*

Old Kitty said...

I hope you had some butt lotion handy.

p.s yay for lovely post people struggling through all sorts of weather and financial cut backs to deliver our post especially at this time. Seriously. You lot even delivered on Sundays for which I am totally and wholeheartedly grateful for!!! Thank you postie people - you all ROCK!!!!!
:-) Take care
x

Crystal Phares said...

Oh, Travis, I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Okay, yeah I do, I'm gonna laugh. Hope everything gets feeling better!

Being Beth said...

I think I pulled a muscle or something laughing at this post. I'm sorry about your problem. It's not really funny to have a chapped rear end, but that perfectly placed baboon photo cracked me up (bad pun) and by the end of your post I had tears running down my face.

And ya know, I woke up in a sour mood this morning, and was in desperate need of a good laugh. I think you just resurrected my day.

Thanks!!!

Carrie said...

I'm so glad Beth shared this today! I laughed until I cried, sounding like a strangling howler monkey so I wouldn't offend co-workers or notify the establishment that I'd taken a mental health break to read a blog or two!

Sorry for your pain, but really, it makes such a great story!

Bubblewench said...

bahahahaha We call that candy ass...

Donna Weaver said...

ROFL - not at your (literal) pain, I assure you.

Great set up. I'm sure there will be a time when this will make a great family story.

It made a great blog post.

jjdebenedictis said...

Oh, my. This is definitely a new twist on the old "I chopped chili peppers, then forgot to wash my hands before going to the bathroom" story.

I hope you and your butt are feeling much better now.

Travis Erwin said...

I do appreciate you guys reading and commenting since I had a few misgiving about creating a post about my infliction.

pattinase (abbott) said...

I'm waiting to see the movie of this adventure.

Mr. Shife said...

Loved the story even though I spent the past few minutes reading all about your chapped butt. Hope the buns are feeling better now, and the Turkey Trots have subsided.

Laurel said...

That was outrageously funny. And the visual aids? Perfection.

PJ O'Rourke wrote a similar story about five alarm chili that had me crying.

savannah said...

the title should have been the tip off, sugar, but i swear even though i knew what was coming, i couldn't stop reading! sorry for y'all's pain, but thanks for the laughs this morning! ;~D xoxoxo

DrillerAA09 said...

Why would anyone put mentholatum in a shower gel. Well it's supposed to wake up your senses, but I guess it rubbed you the wrong way. I feel your pain.

sybil law said...

Hahahahahaha
That's awesome.
(Um, sorry about your pain>!)

texlahoma said...

You'd have to be crazy NOT to write about this perfect storm!

your other wife said...

OMG that was hilarious!!!! Sorry about your raw butt. Most of us wouldn't share that but you have the unique ability to spread laughter to us all. I haven't read this in a while glad I did!!!

Rebecca said...

you just bought that axe shower gel because of the ball washing commercial, didn't you?

Barrie said...

Perhaps you need some diaper rash ointment. ;)

Theresa Milstein said...

When I saw it was your birthday on Facebook it reminded me of how very long it had been since I'd read your blog and how very much I missed it. So I rushed right on over.

You didn't disappoint.

And to think my perfect storm is when a middle school student sprays the offending cologne in class. I've got nothing on you.