Thursday, January 20, 2011

It Ain't the Starch Making Those Clothes Stiff

I've tried to resist blogging about this. Really I did but some things simply must be said.

I'll warn you. If you are have an intense liking for Jolly Rancher candy, or march in the Prude Parade you might wanna bail now and skip this post.

Now I give you Chelsea ...

Going beyond the info from that clip let me relay the gist of this gal's situation. Her husband is uanble to please her sexually so in order to find satisfaction she flipped her laudry basket upside down and taped a jolly rancher to the corner.With the candy securely in place this woman would get down on her knees and gyrate her way to Happyville.

Let's start at the beginning of this trainwreck of a story.
Where the hell did Oprah find these people, and has there ever been anyone more desperate to get on TV that this couple?

Personally, I think Oprah has an agenda here. My guess is she own a large amount of stock in the jolly rancher company and is look to drive up demand. But let's toss aside Oprah's involvement and focus on the couple.

In the spirit of positive feedback let me applaud the woman for her ingenuity. I mean come on this is some MacGyver style masturbating ...

I've got a laundry basket, a Jolly Rancher, some sticky tape , and a a yearning deep down in my loins. What ever am I going to do?

And it does but the Jolly in Jolly Rancher. One has to wonder of she liked the cinnamon for that extra burn?

Now I've had a Jolly Rancher or two in my day. (When I say had, I mean consumed, not had in the sense this lady has had them.) And you have to be careful because if you bite down at all these suckers will really stick in your teeth. I'm a wee bit concerned this lady might tense up at the wrong time and give whole new defintion to the term sugarpuss.

 And what of this poor gal's husband? The Dude, couldn't outperform a Jolly Rancher? What is half an inch long? I cannot imagine heading into work the day after this aired. The guys I work with would be on me like a lonely housewife on a laundry basket.

I bet they nicknamed him the Candyman and keep humming that damned Sammy Davis Jr tune every time he walks into a room. Actually a look at the lyrics of the chorus kind of take on a new meaning after hearing this story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man, the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
Yes, the Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man

That song will never sound quite the same.


Iman said...

that was too funny.

Eric said...

OMG! Travis, you've hit an all-time high (or low) with this one. Seriously had to smother some laughter in the workplace here.

Mom24 said...

This is just SO wrong. Wow.

Unknown said...

Oh my -- what? A Jolly Rancher? That is hard and sticky and way more work than it has to be worth.

Someone needs to buy that woman a vibrator.

And yeah. That man is going to have to move to a new state, change his name, and possibly change his face to live that down. (Though in his defense, I *assume* the Jolly Rancher is being used differently than his bits. God, I hope so.)


Crystal Phares said...

Oh MY GOD!!!! Someone buy that woman a vibrator - cause ewwww...

Thank you Travis. Really my life is changed after seeing this!

Laurel said...

Oh, Travis. That is too funny for words in an oh-so-disturbing way.

And I'll go ahead and put into words what everyone must be thinking. Has this woman never heard of a vibrator?

PJD said...

New-age men are seen by most tough-guy types as girlie men, right? But guess what? New-age girlie-men do the laundry. Who should feel more secure in his manhood, the tough guy whose wife keeps the hamper empty, or the girlie-man who does the laundry?

sybil law said...

It says it's unavailable now! Shit!
Seriously. I must know what the frick you're talking about. Is this serious?!
Jolly Rancher. WTF.
I am so glad I am not those people.

wordvixen said...

Oh, dear dog! Who knew that Sammy Davis Jr was the predecessor to Aqua?

Jennifer Archer said...


Travis Erwin said...

Iman - Welcome to the blog and thank you.

Eric - Hope I didn't get you in trouble.

Mom24 - Tell that to the basket.

Travis Erwin said...

Ashley - There are so many ways to look at this story. I over thought it as well.

Crystal - Changed how? You are going to stop buying Jolly Ranchers?

Laurel - Give new meaning to "cherry" jolly rancher as well.

Travis Erwin said...

Peter - If your wife is cheating on you with any item from the dollar store than you go worse problems than being labeled a girlie man.

Sybil - Try again it seem to be working for me. The video that is.

Wordvixen - He wasn't called the one eyed wonder for nothing.

Travis Erwin said...

jennifer - At least she made laundry fun.

Old Kitty said...

The clip won't play!!! And I want to see a jolly rancher because I haven't a clue what that is - and the rancher better be jolly or else!!!!

Take care

Junosmom said...

For real? You're not making this up? And she admits it, publicly?

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I thought the best line in your whole story was "marching in the Prude Parade" -- *snort!* Well, can't dilly dally around here, I'm off to the 7-11 for some Jolly Ranchers!

Iman said...

I jolly rancher is another name for a happy cowboy. Not sure how the laundry basket held them both up.

Phats said...

hahahahahaha I love Chelsea!

This though is so wrong, so very very wrong haha :)

Teresa said...

No wonder Oprah had to start her own network. Your post is hilarious, Travis, but that woman is weird!!! A Jolly Rancher? Or do they make them bigger in Texas?

the walking man said...

i watched the video and then turned my music back on as I read your more than laugh out loud post. Don Henley's I Will Not Go Quietly also has taken on new meaning.

If that laundry basket only had opposing thumbs...

Ricky Bush said...

Certainly a 'sticky' situation. I think Roy Orbinson's 'Candy Man' would make a better theme song.

Travis Erwin said...

Kitty - not sure why some can see the video and other can't. Sorry.

Junosmom- Nope my imagination is not this good.

Debra - Watch out for the sour apple ... it will pucker your puss.

Travis Erwin said...

Iman - I bet that gal would like a ride in the saddle with a happy cowboy

Phats - She is funny even though i failed to seduce her into reading my book

Teresa - I'm not sure that gal was from Texas. I Texan would have done a better job of things than her hubby

Travis Erwin said...

Walking Man - If it did she'd never leave the laundry room

Ricky - What about that Marcy's playground song ... I Smell Sex and Candy?

ssas said...

This is, hands down, the funniest thing you've ever written.

Charles Gramlich said...

Did I just read what I thought I read? Surely not.

pattinase (abbott) said...

I think you're supposed to sit on the washing machine, not the laundry basket.

Frank Baron said...

Ha! Funny material Travis, that you made even funnier. Nice job.

You know, it wasn't that long ago that if you told someone a story like this, they'd never believe you. Now you got people willing to demonstrate to the whole world what shmucks they are.

Pearl said...

Well I USED to like Jolly Ranchers!


The Happy Whisk said...

Hi Travis: I saw your comment over at Becky's place. I'm Ivy, nice to meet you.

I'd seen part of this on the first part of Lately's show. Oprah, I dunno.

Anyway, I'm a new reader to your blog and wanted to say hi. Thanks for the funny post.