It Ain't the Starch Making Those Clothes Stiff

I've tried to resist blogging about this. Really I did but some things simply must be said.

I'll warn you. If you are have an intense liking for Jolly Rancher candy, or march in the Prude Parade you might wanna bail now and skip this post.

Now I give you Chelsea ...



Going beyond the info from that clip let me relay the gist of this gal's situation. Her husband is uanble to please her sexually so in order to find satisfaction she flipped her laudry basket upside down and taped a jolly rancher to the corner.With the candy securely in place this woman would get down on her knees and gyrate her way to Happyville.


Let's start at the beginning of this trainwreck of a story.
 
Where the hell did Oprah find these people, and has there ever been anyone more desperate to get on TV that this couple?

Personally, I think Oprah has an agenda here. My guess is she own a large amount of stock in the jolly rancher company and is look to drive up demand. But let's toss aside Oprah's involvement and focus on the couple.

In the spirit of positive feedback let me applaud the woman for her ingenuity. I mean come on this is some MacGyver style masturbating ...

I've got a laundry basket, a Jolly Rancher, some sticky tape , and a a yearning deep down in my loins. What ever am I going to do?

And it does but the Jolly in Jolly Rancher. One has to wonder of she liked the cinnamon for that extra burn?


Now I've had a Jolly Rancher or two in my day. (When I say had, I mean consumed, not had in the sense this lady has had them.) And you have to be careful because if you bite down at all these suckers will really stick in your teeth. I'm a wee bit concerned this lady might tense up at the wrong time and give whole new defintion to the term sugarpuss.

 And what of this poor gal's husband? The Dude, couldn't outperform a Jolly Rancher? What is half an inch long? I cannot imagine heading into work the day after this aired. The guys I work with would be on me like a lonely housewife on a laundry basket.

I bet they nicknamed him the Candyman and keep humming that damned Sammy Davis Jr tune every time he walks into a room. Actually a look at the lyrics of the chorus kind of take on a new meaning after hearing this story.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream
The Candy Man, the Candy Man can
The Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
Yes, the Candy Man can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good
a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
Candy Man, a-Candy Man, a-Candy Man
That song will never sound quite the same.