It's A Sweater!

The birds are chirping. The tulips are blooming. The wife and kids are out of school. That's right folks it is spring break time here in the Texas Panhandle so while I am away from the computer spending time with my beloved and the fruit of our loins please enjoy these posts you may have missed the first time around. 

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Straight From My Brow

Sweat.

It's not something people inspire to do unless they happen to be exercising at the moment.

Sweat stinks. It's nasty, and even if you are at the gym working, covered in your own sheen of perspiration the last thing you want is to find some stranger's sweat pooled on a piece of equipment you wish to use. Outside of the gym sweat is rarely looked upon with favor.

Heck, we spend countless dollars on deodorant and antiperspirant just so we won't draw flies.

Sure, men can get away with sweating on occasion, yet in true double-standard fashion proper ladies are not allowed perspire.

Trust me, I think this is all going somewhere, but just for clarification here is my summary thus far ...

sweat = bad

Do we all agree on that?

Okay good. Let's move on.

So why do we name countless articles of clothing after something society frowns upon? Sweat socks, sweat pants, sweat suits, sweat shirts ... and my least favorite -- the sweater.

My wife has this sweater fetish where she has to buy all these holiday sweaters. She has Halloween ones with ghosts, goblins, and witches. Fall ones chocked full of colorful leaves, cornucopias, and such. Christmas ones with elves, twinkling lights, and dancing penguins. Heck, I won't be at all surprised when she comes home on February second wearing a sweater adorned with a smiling groundhog.

To me the whole holiday sweater phenomenon is goofy. I prefer clothes that I can wear all year, or the very least all season long. Not some tiny little window of time that coincides with a particular selection of Hallmark cards. And besides that, I consider sweater to be an asinine name of the utmost in bad marketing. Call them warmers or toasties or something to convey the snuggle not chilly way they are supposed to make you feel. But not SWEATers. Who wants something that produces an unwanted bodily function?

Do we have pants called gassers? Cosmetics called pimplers? Bran cereal called Poo-poo Puffs?

No we do not, and nobody would buy them if we did. So why do you women ooh and aah over SWEATers?

Sure back in the days when girls didn't wear thin, see-through t-shirts everyday of the week the tight sweater was a thing all us guys could appreciate, but even then the name was stupid. I am officially adding sweaters, especially cutesy holiday sweaters, to my list of things I do not approve of including (but not limited to) these below items ...


All forms of lettuce
Fluffy toilet seat covers
Sarah Jessica Parker
PETA
Precooked Bacon
Form Rejection letters on a requested full manuscript
The BeeGees
Patchouli
Vegetarian anything
Those who shun reading
William Shatner


However, I will make a concession and offer my approval of the vintage tight sweater of yesteryear because who am I to knock history. Also I will say the sweater inspired one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. Every Christmas, I at least once, mimic this great clip from the fine cinematic masterpiece, The Three Amigos.