Wednesday, August 17, 2011

For 3 Easy Payments

I hate QVC.

Now before my wife chimes in her and rats on me yes, I did once buy something from QVC. A large electric fryer. And yes, I love that fryer as it has produced many a fine and tasty meal, but despite that fact I stand by my original statement -- I hate QVC.

My wife loves the shopping channel and she will sit there with it on, not really watching per-say, but keeping a wary eye for any titillating bargains that might pop up. She likes to read while the Barbie-fied or Ken-efied "hosts" peddle their wares. Hosts my ass. These people are modern day hucksters. Snake oil salesmen. They draw their readers in with polyester charm, and plastic smiles. 

I cannot read with the "hosts" tittering on about Ionic Air Purifier 3000. Used to be every space age technological advancement had 200 at the end of it, but I suppose now that we have moved beyond that year things have to be referred to 3000 to be cutting edge. When I create my great invention I'm gonna call it the Lettuce Obliviator 1952 and appeal to nostalgia to help me sell it.

Back to QVC.

The only thing worse is the callers who phone in to eagerly give their testimonial. They all sound like Waffle House waitresses, or Junior League rejects. If their voice hasn't been ravaged by cigarette smoke it's dripping with honey. I wish I could ignore most of it as my wife does but I can't. There I was not long ago trying to read while the QVC snake peddler droned on about he Ionic Air Purifier 3000. A bar fly of what sounded like considerable age called in to rave about the product.

Thad the QVC host : Phyllis in Tallahassee. Is it true you have already purchased the Ionic 3000?
Phyllis in Tallahassee : I did and I just love it. I'm a smoker Thad.
Travis, trying to read from the comfort of his couch : No shit

Sadly, much like football referees, neither QVC hosts or QVC callers can hear my commentary.

Phyllis in Tallahassee : And being a smoker, my house used to smell like cigarettes.
Thad the QVC host : You said used to Phyllis. Are you telling me the Air Purifier 3000 changed that?
Phyllis in Tallahassee : I sure am Thad. The second I plugged it in smoke poured right into my unit. Even though I didn't have a cigarette lit at the time.
Travis on Couch : (says nothing, but arches right eyebrow)
Thad the QVC host : That;s incredible Say that again Phyllis.
Phyllis in Tallahassee : It's true Thad. The smoke in the air flowed straight into my unit.
Thad the QVC host : So your unit pulled in Toxins you didn't even know was there.

Travis's wife who raises here eyes for the first time : Where are your going?
Travis, no longer sitting on couch : Outside. I can't stand to hear anymore about Phyllis and her toxic sucking unit.

Yep, I hate QVC.


Deanna said...

Are you saying 1952 is vintage? But that is the year I was born! And what's your beef with waffle house waitresses.... oh never mind, I never was one of those. I hate QVC too. Cute post.

Old Kitty said...

I used to love QVC - until I discovered Ideal World.


Take care

WordVixen said...

Hubs and I love QVC- at Christmas. It's like Christmas 24/7 on there for like a month and a half leading up to Christmas. The rest of the year, we flip it on when bored, only to shut it off immediately. I swear, they only ever sell jewelry, clothes, vacuums, and laptops when it's not Christmas. Unless we're looking for one of the above, in which case they're selling grills.

Cloudia said...


Aloha from Waikiki;

Comfort Spiral
> < } } ( ° >


the walking man said...

I smoke, have been for 50 years, I have a 2011 super inside air purifier...I smoke outside. every kind of weather.

Charles Gramlich said...

I swear I thought you meant QPB at first, Quality paperback books. I had to read the "shopping" points before I knew what you were talking about.

DrillerAA09 said...

I can't watch more than 5 minutes of QVC. The only thing worse than QVC or HSN are some of the tele-evangelists. Just sayin'.

DrillerAA09 said...

Just-a send us two tax free contributions-a, seed faith offerings of fifty dollahs, and we will send you this genuine linen prayer cloth, taken directly from the body of Lazarus after Geezus raised him from the dead. It will change your life...oops sorry, I got confused. Okay, now here is the Atomic 9000 HEPA Inoic Whole house air purifier.

Jenn Jilks said...

Now the ads are for air cleaners!

Hilary said...

Too funny. I can't stand having the television on if nobody if fully interested in what's on and I can't stand sales pitches via phone calls. I'm certain I would hate QVC more than you hate lettuce.