Monday, December 31, 2007

The Seven Drunks

You really shouldn't believe anything a fiction writers tells you . For instance my post today is not going to be about the craft of writing as I originally stated. Nope, it seems that I failed to realize that my next post would fall on New Years Eve . I suppose I could have rattled on about characterization, (Alex's favorite topic) the art of dialogue, or the all-elusive voice, but I'm not. i feel obliged to talk about the holiday and my family's tradition.

First a brief discussion on drunks. Like the famous dwarfs there are seven different kinds of drunks.

Jolly Drunk - Somewhat like Snow White's happy but this guy is likely to kiss you with slobber covered lips and his breath is bad, so he's not nearly as cute.

Angry Drunk - Sure Grumpy turned out to be okay, but this fella is nasty once a bit of Jack passes between his lips, but he is famous for his many appearances on the television show cops and no body looks better in a wife beater.

Stupid Drunk - Sure he can barely stand up and it takes him ten tried to pull his keys from his pocket and unlock his car door, but he can drive. Really he can. Dopey never wound up in the drunk tank for a DWI but this guy will if there is any justice.

MD Drunk - No the MD doe not stand for medical Doctor and this scroungy chap is no Doc either. The MD stand for Mad Dog as in 20/20. Ol' MS also goes by the name Wino, Bum, and the politically correct term transient. He is rarely seen without his brown paper bag and he's not picky. He'll get boozed up any time not just on special occasions.

Closet Drunk - He's a bit Bashful about who sees him take a nip. He'll hide his flask in his boot or a desk drawer or out int he garage where his wife won't think to look. But on a night like tonight he can come out of hiding and drink in public to ring in the new year and that freedom might make him go a bit overboard.

Pukey Drunk - Like Sneezy, this fellow will blow chunks but his discharge cannot be contained by a mere Kleenex so give him a wide birth. Nothing is worth than regurgitated martini olives and bar pretzels.

Drowsy Drunk - Sure he has a lot in common with Sleepy but before he goes out he moan for hours about how unfair life is and how his ex-wife was such a bitch. But don't wake him up or he'll join right in with his brethren Pukey.

All of these fellows combined are why I stay home on New Years Eve. I don't begrudge any one a drink. I like one myself but I'm not a believer of drinking to get drunk and for my taste there are far to many amateur drinkers out on the roads and in the bars on this particular night.

So we stay home with the kids. Sure me and my wife will sip a bit of bubbly while the kids drink sparkling grape juice. My wife bought them hats and noise makers and we'll ring in 2008 as a family, but probably we''ll cheat and go by Eastern time since my five year old never lasts till midnight and I'll be ready for bed myself by then.

How do you plan to ring in the New Year?

So from me and my family to you and your have a Happy and SAFE New Years.

54 comments:

Nan Higginson said...

Loved the seven dwarfs' analogy!

Hubby and I, empty nesters, have big plans, as usual. Eat hors d'oevers until we belch pastry-coated gases; bang pot lids and blow whistles as the ball drops in NYC; and turn the first official kiss of the New Year into a night to remember.

Reality is, however, that the pigs in blankets and mini quiches that I actually DID buy this year, will go untouched, given their ability to create heart burn. The pot lids make enough noise as I rattle the pots and pans on a regular basis - no need to feature them in our New Year band. And, as for the kiss... well... after midnight we tend to prefer sleep to heart pounding activity.

Nonetheless, we're gearing up for 2008. Avoiding the prospect of making New Year's Resolutions, as every good, red-blooded American should!

Happy New Year, Travis and all, and to all a "good night!"

Erica Orloff said...

Well . . . I was invited to a Bring Your On Lobster party (steak and potatoes provided . . . bring own lobster for steaming) . . . but Baby Girl is recovering from rheumatic fever and tires very easily. So I will be having a quiet evening with champagne and a Law&Order marathon, then watch the ball drop . . . me and the little kidlets. And the three dogs.
E

Melissa Marsh said...

The seven drunks are the exact reason we stay home every year, too. I celebrate with a bowl of chips and dip, a diet pepsi in a wine glass, and a couple of good movies. We thought about going out this year, but I just can't stand the thought of being around loud, obnoxious people.

Merry Jelinek said...

It is definitely amateur night out there... It seems like New Year's is more fun to celebrate out and about when you're young and single, because once I had the kids I really didn't have any yen to go to a bar to celebrate it.

My hubby will be working a holiday party tonight (he does the video walls so he usually works at one of big fancy blow outs... nice because it's double time after midnight and he gets free eats at those swank dinners)

The kiddies and I will just put out some chips and dips and play games or watch movies. The two youngest won't make it past 10:00, but I'll have to force my ten year old to bed after midnight... that's about it here... a few friends might be stopping over this year to say hi, but really, just a quiet family thing... and as I don't drink often and never alone, I probably won't even have a glass of wine.

Merry Jelinek said...

Oh, and I forgot!!! Happy, Happy New Year to you and yours, Travis! Looking forward to more of your posts in the coming year.

Rocketstar said...

Happy new year Travis, we'll be home with the kids as well, but I will be putting on my last good buzz for the year ;o)

What about the "Intellectual Drunk" The one who likes to tlak about complicated and "deep" issues ;o)

Mom In Scrubs said...

Super cute. I love the Seven Dwarves takeoff.

I have to argue that a regurgitated gyro mixed with a dozen beers or so beats the hell out of a yakked up martini. been there, smelled that. Ack!

Your family sounds like mine on NYE, right down to the grape juice and sleepy kids. Have a great one!!

Barrie said...

We're going to a NY Eve party with several other families. I will keep an eye out for the various drunks you've mentioned! :) Happy New Year!!

inherwritemind1 said...

Staying home tonight with The Mister and the dogs. It's about time for the cork to fly out of the bottle...

Happy New Year!

Colleen said...

Our NY's tradition is to pig out on Chinese food and take in a movie. We'll be doing it on NY's Day rather than eve 'cause the kids have plans, but that's okay with us.

Best wishes for a wonderful New Year!

Sherry said...

Oh yes...these are definitely the reasons to stay home....it's one thing to cope with it when you're my son's age (19) and it's another to do it at this age....no thank you!!!

I have some very nice Wolf Blass yellow label sparking brut chilling and I'll make some nachos, put out some brie and crackers and I've got some sausage rolls I'll heat up. DH, youngest (16) and his 2 buddies and I will have that and toast the new year..and then I'll be hitting my bed!! Listening with one ear for the door to open as oldest and his 2 buddies roll in to crash for the night.

No resolutions for this chick...I just do 'em one day at a time!!!

Travis, thanks for the comment you left me yesterday after my scribbling...it was very much appreciated.

Wishing you and your family a very happy new year...may it be filled with love, laughter, blessings and an abundance of inspiration and plundered booty!!!!!!!!

xo
Sherry

sybil law said...

Oh there are so many more swarves, but you summed them up so nicely.
I am staying home and drinking some champagne like I always do, and then going to bed.
New Years Eve is for people in their 20's with no kids and no concept of hangovers - yet.
Regardless, have a Happy New Years' Eve!!!!

Church Lady said...

Hahaha! LOL!
I'm waiting for DH to come home with some wine. The stores close soon. He better make it in time. Or I will be the Angry Sober.

:-)

Happy New Years to you and yours!!

Clare2e said...

Oh Travis, as a former bartender, my favorite was always Weepy the Drunk.

My beloved and I aren't much inclined to spend huge dollars to be out with people who still consider Schnapps and anything ending in -tini a food group. Amateur night, indeed.

When we lived on the Upper East Side, we could see the downtown festivities and fireworks from our balcony, and still we looked upon those people waiting for 9 hours in Times Square as suckers. No thanks.

I'll be making some filet mignon sliders with bleu cheese and carmelized onions. DVD's until midnight, then prosecco and kisses. I'm happy.

NotsoStoneCold said...

Hockey game, lost 5-3! Band and beer afterward, toasted and hauled @ss back home. Happy New Year to you and your family. Eryn and I will think of you, on the slopes!!

Casdok said...

Great post!!!
Happy new year!

Sam said...

Happy New Year!
May it be filled with peace and prosperity! (and lots of good books!)

Patti said...

we were gonna stay home, but attended a party were i scored some action...not a bad start for '08

Mr. Shife said...

Happy New Year. And I did not win the lottery so I guess you will still be hearing from me.

Beth said...

Happy New Year Travis!!

good 'ole Mad Dog. My mom drank that every day for YEARS...so much that her teeth turned purple. ya, those were some really crappy years...wonder if she even remembers them? ;)

Josephine Damian said...

How about Chatty Drunk, first cousin to Jolly Drunk. Not that I was anything like that back in my drinking days, oh no, not me, never me. :-)

Since my Albanian Muslim neighbors go nuts with the firewoks (I had bottle rockets landing on my roof and in my yard last night), I spent the night keeping a sharp eye out for any fires that might start, especially in the woods behind my house. I guess the neighbors didn't get the memo we're having the worst drought in 75 years here.

I resolve to never again eat a cookie and to get more writing done, plus finish grad school on an excelerated schedule.

Happy New Year to you too, Travis!

Marla said...

Happy New Year! The furthest we go on New years Eve is walking down to a neighbors house and eat lots of food and watch the kids play. There is some drinking involved but no one has ever been drunk. However, we usually leave before M's bedtime so there is not telling what our freaky friends do once we leave.

Vesper said...

Happy New Year, Travis!

Cheryl Wray said...

Love your list and I think your plans for New Year's Eve sound perfect. Last night, Gary and I went out for New Year's for the first time in ages! (We used to host parties, or would just have a family night together. But this year we went out to dinner, had drinks--egad!--and went to a concert. Much fun!)

Happy New Year to you too!!!

alex keto said...

Jeeze,
You sure are mean to drunks. I mean (hic) aren't they just like you and me?

~grace~ said...

HAPPY new year!

there must be more than 7 kinds of drunk because I get drunk and I'm never like any of the list. never. really.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Travis,

Very funny and very true. Have a wonderful 2008! Happy and healthy for you and your family and much writing success especially for you.

Terrie

Bubblewench said...

Love the Dwarf's!!

We stay home. This year, we stayed home and played Wii and drank Rum. The way it should be!

Brooke said...

Happy New Year! I managed to get my horrific car accident out of the way two days before so by the time New Year's Eve rolled around I no longer had a car to drive anywhere.

That's one way to keep it safe.

Charles Gramlich said...

I stayed home partly for the same reason, but mainly just because I find it boring to go out. I've got everything I want in the house or on my deck. No need to leave.

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