Monday, January 28, 2008

Who Give's a Flying Shatner

William Shatner irks me to no end. No, I'm not going anywhere with that. It is just an observation.

Matter of fact this entire post isn't going anywhere. Yep, it is that time once again. Follow the bouncing ball through my random thoughts.

My oldest son just may have stumbled upon the next great innovation in automobile features. You have in car DVD systems, GPS navigational tools, heated seats, dual control heat and air, and a whole bunch of other contraptions that seemed crazy back when I lay, unseatbelted in the ample back dash of my mom's old Ford LTD. I use to love it when she's hit the brakes and make me roll forward. No days that is child abuse but that is another blog for another day.

From the mind of a seven year old I give you ... The Convertible Hand Spanking!!!

What is it you say? Well Our new car has this hand free gizmo that will make calls and what not for you by voice command. One day last week my youngest son was pestering the oldest, so he said, "Dad tell the car to give Z a convertible hand spanking."
"Just do it Dad." Say convertible hand spanking?"
"So a hand will come pout and give Z a spanking."

Okay, I have no idea why he included the word convertible but wouldn't that be a great inventions. A robotic hand to intervene when the kids are in the back seat fighting. More than one wreck has occurred that way I'm sure. Maybe you'd get a break on your auto insurance like you do for anti-lock brakes.

I recall my mom once taking her show off and flinging it into the back seat to break up me and my brother. Of course the backseat in that old LTD was in another county.

Actually my mom did an incredible job of raising us given the fact she was a single mother on a very limited income so I don't want to portray her as Mommy Dearest. But all parents lose it at one time or another. A friend of mine's mother actually stabbed him in the forehead when he and his brother were fighting at the kitchen table. There was blood and everything. The tines penetrated enough that he had to reach up and pull the fork out of his head.

I'd rather duck a flying shoe myself.

Speaking of flying. Here is a picture I took of a V-22 Osprey over the skies of Amarillo. These particular aircraft can take off and land like a helicopter, but then the rotors tilt to fly like an airplane. There final assembly takes place in Amarillo so it is not uncommon to see them circling the skies above the city. For a closer look at one follow the link above.

This song from Kevin Fowler makes me laugh every time I hear it.

Don't Touch My Willie

She showed up at my house at half past nine
In a low-cut dress with a bottle of wine
She said this will be a night you won't forget
She poured us some drinks to get us into the mood
I reached for the lights, she reached for my tunes
She pulled out that Red Headed Stranger,
I stood up and said

Don't touch my Willie
I don't know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don't know what you heard
I ain't that kind of guy
Yeah so don't touch my Willie
We'll get a long just fine

She said she never met a man like me in her life
Who wouldn't share his Willie on the very first night
I said it's nothing personal, don't take it so hard
I don't pull out my Willie for just anyone
There's a lot of other records that you can choose from
So let me make myself clear before you go too far

Don't touch my Willie
I don't know you that well
Help yourself to some Haggard or some Jones
Hell, or anybody else
I don't know what you heard
I ain't that kind of guy
Yeah so don't touch my Willie
We'll get a long just fine
Keep your hands off my Willie
We'll get along just fine

I hope you hear a song that makes you smile today, and I hope the North wind isn't gusting over fifty miles an hour the way it is here in the Texas Panhandle.


Merry Monteleone said...

Holy God in heaven, how much mileage did he get out of the fork in the head thing - I'd think the guilt alone would be good for a couple of puppies and a car.

My husband swears that his mother could throw a shoe around a corner and hit her target... if there was an olympic event in shoe tossing, she'd have nailed the gold... on the other hand, being in the parents' seat these days, I'm thinking there were at least a few instances that I deserved a good shoe in the head... here's a good one for you...

My mother was driving (I was like thirteen at the time) and she blew a stop sign, at which point, being the know it all kid I was, I said,

"Hey, you were supposed to stop - you blew a stop sign!"

My mother, being quite the ferocious smart ass, said, "No I didn't... I might kiss one, but I'd never blow it."

Unfortunately for her, I repeated it verbatim at the restaurant we were going to, in front of a few of her business associates... it's the only time I've seen my mother blush... that'll teach her to ground me.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Merry, that is a great story.

Travis, THAT song will make me smile all day.


Monnik said...

The wind is gusting here in Iowa too. It's no fun.

Merry's story cracked me up. That fork in the forehead story was crazy!!

My mom whacked me once for my insolence. (I deserved it). However, she is blind and her aim isn't the best, and she got my nose instead of my cheek. It bled for about 20 minutes. I milked that one for a long time....

Charles Gramlich said...

My mother would have died before she'd have said such a thing as Merry's mom. Different generations, I guess.

Funny stuff.

Brooke said...

I have an Aunt whose particular torment of choice was to drop her kids off at the police station every time they got out of hand...I think there is a cell named after them today...

Lana Gramlich said...

*LOL @ the song!* If only cars had Insta-gag or some such. Give 'em a shot with "The Slapper," then jam "Insta-gag" in their mouths. That'd probably learn 'em right quick!

Merry Monteleone said...


They're probably around the same generation - my mom's pushing seventy... I'm a later in life baby and she's relatively fiesty... She's nothing compared to my aunt, though...

My Aunt is well into her seventies, she is a petite size 3, dresses impeccabley, is perfectly coiffed at all times and is the picture of elegance... but she opens her mouth and I swear she'd make a sailor blush. The first time I took my husband to her house for Thanksgiving, he turned green... that's not an exaggeration, his face went from red, to gray, to green - he pushed away from the table and had to leave the room... it was beautiful... needless to say, she's my hero.

Patti said...

a reference to any willie will make me laugh, and i thank you for that.

deborah elliott-upton said...

I assume the Willie song was for William Shatner...LOL

Sherry said...

Loved the song!! It would be a BIG hit in the U.K. where my best friend lives!!

Kids come up with the most unusual ideas -- a convertible hand smack from a car -- it's miles ahead of a flying shoe (but no less effective -- on second thought -- the flying shoe would be MORE effective! Gives you a chance to work on your reflex action at the same time!).

You had my at your first sentence by the way. Heck, I'm Canadian and William Shatner bugs the beejeepies out of me!!! :)

Bernita said...

Your post reminds me of the time I stabbed my older brother with a hay fork.
A tine made a neat little hole in his forehead.

angel, jr. said...

My Mom had a flying slipper. It was like a boomerang and could turn corners and follow us throughout the house. I think it even followed me up the stairs and around the corner into my room.

Jenster said...

I see a great future for your inventive son!

My mom had a fly swatter in her LTD. She was an itty bitty thing, but could use that swatter with amazing accuracy. How she knew which girl to smack in the back seat still boggles the mind.

I won't even touch my husband's Willie and we've been married nearly 20 years. I won't touch his Haggard or Jones, either.

I think Willie is an incredible songwriter - simply amazing. But I can't stand to hear him sing.

I really hope this doesn't get me kicked out of your blog club...

Jenster said...

I can't see my mom ever saying anything like Merry's mom, either. I don't think she even knows the term "blow". That does, however, sound like the kind of thing I'd say and then think, "What's wrong with you??" to myself.

Josephine Damian said...

*Keep your hands off my Willie
We'll get along just fine*

The mood I'm in, I'm tempted to do a spoof of Nathan Bransford singing "keep your hands off my contest."

Funny song, though - you always share the good ones - at least I don't know the tune - took me days to get "Ring of Fire" out of my head.

Britta Coleman said...

Love the Willie song. Leave it to country songwriters to double-entendre a living legend. I once wrote a paper in college called "Drawling and Dipthonging: Symbols and Symantics in Country-Western Music." Got an A, too.

Shauna said...

Yeah, I'm not a Shatner fan either. There's just something so ... annoying about him.

I like your son's idea. It'll save me using the window scraper. ;-)

HAHAHA! That song is hilarious!

SUV MAMA said...

I agree on William Shatner. I just don't get it. But then again, I'm too young to understand the entire "Star Trek" thing.

Great song, but I think Chuck Berry sang about ding a ling's best.

Kids. I love those moments that make it all worth it. :)