Thursday, March 13, 2008

Warp Speed Ahead!

I'm warped.

Okay, that doesn't come as a shock to anyone who knows me in real life or has read this blog very long, but now a genuine medical professional has confirmed all of y'alls suspicions.

My left cornea is warped but so far no erosion has taken place. The doctor said I'll never wear contacts again unless it is a lens permanently implanted, and I can never have Lasix to correct my vision. I go back in six months to see if the warping has worsened or if holes have developed but for now no patch, or parrot and while I did try to convince the kindly doc to write me a script for rum.

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Today marks my first of nine glorious days off from work. My wife and kids are off next week for Spring Break and Sunday we are headed south to the Dallas/Fort Worth area for a quick mini-vacations. The World Aquarium, Six Flags over Texas and of course shopping are on the agenda. Blogs posts will be sporadic but who knows, I might get something up while on the road.

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Some friends of ours recently bought a town home is a brand new development. Just this morning I drove down their street with my wife who had been their already. For five or six solid blocks every single house looked the same. They all had the same whit front door, the same spindly five foot tree in the same small patch of grass. I asked my wife if she knew the address and she said no, I know which house it is by the solar lights along the sidewalk. Oh, every house had those as well but our friends only had them on one side of their walkway.

This must be where those people with 2.5 kids live. I hope there are no alcoholics on this street. it would be utter hell to come home drunk and try to figure out which one was yours.

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So I'm helping to coach my five year old's indoor soccer team. Our team has 3 - five year old boys, 1 - five year old girl, 6 - four year old boys, and 2 - four year old girls. So far we've had two practices and I've managed to make a little girl cry in both.

Who knew little girls didn't like big hairy men screaming NO PAIN NO GAIN! in their face.

I'm kidding. The first broke into tears when I said, "Don't use your hands." The second was standing in the middle of the field watching all the other kids run after the ball. I jogged up to her and leaned down and said, "Come one lets go chase the ball. You gotta run after it."

Her eyes filled with tears as she looked up at me and said, "But I don't like to run."

I'm with her and who knows being forced to run as a child might be the very thing that left me warped. Nah ... I still blame the lettuce.

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So what one thing warped you as a kid? Go on get it off your chest. Leaving a comment is way cheaper and easier than plopping down on some fancy psychiatrist's couch.

22 comments:

SUV MAMA said...

ONE THING? Come on, T. I'm warped beyond ONE THING.

1st: I'm sorry about the eye. Sucks.
2nd: Vacation sounds like a blast. I hope you get some much earned family time!
3rd: I HATE suburban oblivion. Those people are SCARY. I get lost every single time I go into one of those subdivisions. You know the kind- the names tell you how much income the residents purport to have. I think that's why they all like living there. Everyone has a category. Who wants to live in Crab Apple Terrace when you can live in Towering Pines Estates?
And all of their windows look out onto- you guessed it!- OTHER WINDOWS. Gross.

As for the soccer coach thing- I was warped by my 1st coach calling me "Jennifer". My name is "Jessica". But people hear the "J" and a few letters after it and don't pay attention, so I've been called Jennifer a bunch. I've never been able to forgive anyone who makes that mistake. And go figure- I hate the name "Jennifer" (Sorry, I'm sure there are 450.6 Jennifers who respond in your comments). Anyway- the soccer coach had "Jennifer" printed on my jersey, even though the roster said "Jessica". I'm now eternally warped against Jennifers (but not Jennys. Love Jennys). Blame him.

As for the girls crying- my daughters first year on U5 was co-ed, and the boys cried just as much as the girls. I'll never forget my kid running off the sidelines to her Dad. "Daddy! They won't SHARE!". She was pretty offended at the entire process.

Later, alligator!

sex scenes at starbucks said...

Sunday Drives warped me as a kid.

Sizzle said...

Yeah one thing is challenging but I'll try.

What first comes to mind is being in 6th grade and having my two "Best friends" turn on me and try to get other girls to not like me. I think it lasted a week total but feeling completely alienated from everyone except the nerd girls was pretty traumatic.

I hope those girls have bad lives now!

(Yeah, haven't moved past that totally.)

Debbielou said...

Travis - sorry to hear about your eye problem - I hope something can be done for you.

My childhood was scarred by "Meatballs !".

I used to absolutely love them as a kid and was always up for second helpings - until the day my younger sister had tonsilitis.

After having eaten a lunch of meat balls and jumping up and down a lot - she felt a bit queesy and sicked them up whole !

I've never eaten a meat ball since and never ever will .

I've been psychologically scarred for life!

I hope that you and your family have a wonderful holiday!

Monnik said...

Travis, you crack me up.

Here's what warped me. The guy I had a GIANT, OBNOXIOUS, and totally unrequited crush on in high school sent me a post card with the words 'Yum Yum Foot Scum' beneath a chunk of dead foot skin that he'd peeled off his foot.

He knew I hated feet and figured it was a funny joke.

I still would have had his babies, even after that.

alex keto said...

Travis, travis, travis. sigh.

Don't you know that when you make a small child cry you're supposed to lean over and say quietly, "Your Daddy drinks because you cry."

Well... maybe not, come to think of it.

Skiingred said...

Here's lookin' at ya, Travis! In all seriousness - Hope everything turns out well with the peepers.

You know, I always said I'd never live in one of those "monopoly house" sub-divisions, but look at me know! Ms. Suburbia Sellout *-)

Hmmm... what warped me...outside of the tortures of older cousins, and my parents... I would say the Oompa Loompa from the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka movie... I still shudder when I think of them, or here them singing

Ohhh,,, love the My Town Monday project (I googled it, and a lot of hits came up related to your blog - cool!) Since we are new in this town, might be a good project!
Take care!

Rocketstar said...

Sorry to hear about the eye man, how does/did that happen?

indoor soccer, sounds like that will be an interesting experience.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was the red bow tie! :)

Bubblewench said...

Oooh.. sorry about the eye! Thats crazy! Good luck.

I'm so warped from so many different things.. but yeah, that being forced to run thing as a kid.. that's was the main thing..

I so love reading this blog. I just caught up and had to say that becuase I didn't leave a comment on every post.

You rock Travis!

Clare2e said...

Travis- glad you're only warped and not degraded...yet.

@debbielou- How could Woody the Wabbit and Meatballs warp anyone? I loved that movie!

I was warped by being roused before dawn, driven out to Joshua Tree, and trudged up a shale mountain with our thermoses so we could greet the dawn by singing Cat Stevens' Morning Has Broken to it. No lie. My mom's California hippie period. Wacked-out, but not totally unfun. I learned to make yogurt.

Melissa Marsh said...

My brother stuffing a banana into my mouth when I was about two warped me from wanting to ever eat a banana again. I look at the dumb things and shudder with disgust.

Terrie Farley Moran said...

Hi Travis,

I am too old to remember the causes of all my eccentricities, I just know I got 'em.

Oh, I have one--my mother wrapping wedges of my hair around strips of paper bags. (Yep, the plain brown ones.) I would sleep on my lumpy hair all night in the hopes of gorgeous ringlets in the morning. They never quite appeared. Thank goodness for the Sixties and long straight hair, which I could produce with no problem. Made me realize the ringlets were mom's fantasy not mine. Still. I admit only to myself (and now to you) that Mom is flying around heaven, yanking on her perfectly straight hair, pointing to my grand daughters, saying: "You see all those gorgeous curls. Those girls are my great grands."

Terrie

Lana Gramlich said...

When mom abandoned us as kids it was somewhat warping (we found her parked in the liquor store lot the next morning.) When she tried to kill us all in a car accident not long after was a bit more warping...the constant beatings & beratings weren't any good, either, of course & having no friends at school didn't help...The fact that she loved my brother & hated my guts (actively) has a way of warping a person. There's more, of course, but that's enough for now.

Danette Haworth said...

Two-for-two, way to go! ;D

(Sorry about the eye thing.)

Charles Gramlich said...

Yes, sorry about the eye problem. Today is the first day of 9 days off for me as well. Thank God for spring breaks.

Bernita said...

I'm warped like an old floor but I'm not getting on your couch!

preTzel said...

The one and only thing that warped me as a child was my mother's high pitched scream when she said "LET ME SMELL YOUR FINGERS!" She didn't say this often - only when she thought one of her four DDs were giving themselves pleasure. Uhm, I still obsessively wash my hands to this day. I was 19yo before it dawned on me exactly *what* my mother was sniffing for.

If that doesn't warp you just reading it then you must have had it worse. :)

lyzzydee said...

I hope your eye hangs on in there!!
My freak out warp out was watching Dr Who and one of his enemies, the Cyber men, (Did you have Dr Who in USA??) The cybermen freaked me out then and I still can't watch them now, even though I can see that they are made up out of bits of old tube sprayed silver, badly!!!!

AaroN said...

A neighbor used to own a salon. One day, my brother and I got in her storage where she kept all her supplies and mixed up a dozen different types of hair-care products making the most tremendous-stinking concoction you've ever smelled in your life. Of course, the nimrod actually spilt some on him, so when we got home, we got busted. He smelled like perfumed-ass for a week. It was rank and I have forever been leary of hair-care products. :)

The Egg said...

Thanks for the laughs! Yeah it would totally suck to be an alcoholic in suburbia. I had the chance to live this life of luxury but I passed...I decided to be in debt and hang out with the rural gay community:) And I sure do love it!
As for the question, I was terrified of diving as a nine year old. Very vivid memory!

Mom In Scrubs said...

When I was 5, I bit into a mystery-chunk in a hotdog. I still can't eat them. No big loss I guess.