Saturday, August 23, 2008

Heathen

Do I look like heathen? Does the goatee make it appear as if my soul is in peril? Maybe it's the devilishness glint in my eye? Or my substantial belly. I guess it does speak of my gluttonous tendencies, but all in all I like to think I'm a decent enough fellow.

But apparently I look in need of salvation. I shall explain.

There I was this morning. Watching my money disappear as I gassed up at the Pak-N-Sak. Made me feel like I was back in Vegas for a few minutes.

Anyway, there were half a dozen other people doing the same as well as a handful of people trudging inside for their morning coffee or 32. oz carbonated wake up drink of choice. A rattle trap green car pulls right up next to me in the middle of the gas pumps. Inside is five young guys all dressed in suits. One pops out of the back seat and hands me magazine. "The Lord's word," he said.

I glanced at the magazine as he handed it to me. WATCHTOWER, the literature of choice from the Jehovah Witness religion.

As I see what it is I say, "No thanks, I'm Catholic." Not a complete lie since at this point I'm as close to Catholic as anything. My wife and boys are Catholic and it is the only church service I've attended for years, and should I ever feel the calling, it will be the religion I reach out for.

The young solicitor gave me a hard look at my reply, snatched the Lord's word from my hand. He got back in the car and the whole crew exited the convenience store lot and left. They didn't approach another person. Not before, during or after their failed attempt to douse my fiery soul.

Why?

Did I appear to be the only sinner in the lot? Were they going to try and convert others but my answer drove them away? Did they fear they had wandered into a hot bed of Catholicism? Maybe they thought I was going to offer them a beer, invite them to next months sausage and bingo fest? Who knows? But I sure know what my standard line will be next time they approach.

Maybe being in Vegas for a week stained me with sin somehow only the righteous can detect? Now there is a scary thought. I'd hate to think there is some kind of anti-halo hovering above my noggin. I suppose it would glow red and flash like those three X's above those truck stop adult bookstores along the interstate.

Or maybe it's more blunt and gives a direct indicator to the owners recent sins? Maybe I have a glowing red dollar sign for the gambling I did, or perhaps a hazy, three-quarters full rum bottle spins lazily above my head visible only to the pure of heart, body and soul.

Who knows what that car load of guys saw that propelled them to stop and single me out. I just hope there's room above me for all those wicked shapes. Must look like a card table at a yard sale by this point.

31 comments:

Stephen Parrish said...

Mormon missionaries have set up camp in my town, and as luck would have it, they rented a house on my street. I caught two of them harrassing my twelve-year-old daughter as she was walking home from school, and I told them if they didn't leave her alone they'd get the Great Salt Lake shoved up their bung holes, sideways.

My answer to everyone who tries to foist his brainwashed enlightenment on me, and that includes Christians of all shapes and sizes, is "Keep your stupid-ass God to yourself."

Packsaddle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Packsaddle said...

You've been on the road often lately, which makes you a Roamin' Catholic.

yellowdog granny said...

ahh, them guys make my ass hurt...
and for that matter so do christians..they are so dumb they can't keep tabs on their deity...they are always asking me if i've found Jesus..dang, I didn't even know he was lost..but he must get lost a lot cause someone is always asking me if i've found Him...

Titania Starlight said...

Great post. I lived in Vegas for five years. I guess I am for sure on the highway to hell!

When I moved to good ole Mississippi I must have been a beacon of sin. They arrived at my doorstep. I told them I was a Buddhist. My husband was a Catholic and that I have lived many lives before. I thought they were going to faint! LOL.

They did make one more attempt and this time I talked all about "MY" beliefs instead. These were polite but I could see them squirming. Ouch. I guess they can dish it out but not take it.

I have a degenerate friend that answers the door nude! Oh my God. I think not.

Great post. I think you look perfectly normal. I see no glowing red eyes or horns in your profile pic. :o)~

CamiKaos said...

I've been singled out on the street by missionaries as well for who knows what reason... it's always makes me curious.

Linda McLaughlin said...

I wouldn't worry about it, Travis. The beard just might have been a dead giveaway that you're not a JW.

yellowdoggranny, ROFL about Jesus getting lost a lot! Good one.

Linda

preTzel said...

LOL Granny - GMTA!

My SIL is uber - religious and tells me that if I'd just find God I'd live a healthier life. My pat answer is always "Damn he's lost? Nobody told me!" It usually is met with a dial tone or an angry sigh.

I believe in freedom of religion and of choice - it's my choice whether I want religion. I don't. I've been force - fed the shit enough. I believe in a higher power but not one that believes what the main stream religions do.

My god doesn't kill babies, she doesn't approve of *any* war or killing, and she believes that it's okay if a mother needs to drink or have a good lay every now and then. :D

Joshua said...

looking at your picture...yeah i can see why they thought that. lol

it's weird how people who are doing "the lords work" get really pissed off if your not the demographic they are looking for. Weird times.

Robin said...

Laughing at the mental image of all of your vices circling your head in that little bubble, well, mayhap a big bubble?! Mine would require a bubble of epic proportions.

I grew up next to a JW temple...I was training ground. One day I invited them in and offered coffee and said, "What exactly is it you have to tell me?" He just stammered and said, "I don't know, I've never made it this far before..."

Granny and Pretz...I know where lost Jesus is...prison. Met tons of people who found him there. Thank God...question answered!

And Travis, just be glad you've got holy rollers eyeing you. For me, it used to be lesbians. Last freaking time I cut my hair in a "pixie". Nothing wrong with them and I have gay friends...just get a little weird when I get "the look" like a gaydar just locked me in. We're sinners one way or another...just happen to be innocent this time...LOL!

Bea said...

They always come to my house. I tell them "no thanks, I'm Catholic" and they can't leave fast enough.
I guess Catholics are very scawy people!

Barbara Martin said...

I wouldn't concern yourself, Travis. You gave them an answer they didn't expect and didn't have a reply for. It was easier for them to drive away than confront it.

You weren't singled out for any particular reason except perhaps you looked "approachable", not that you were a sinner, per se.

Stephen, as always, says it straight up!

Angie said...

Hey, anything that makes the evangelist-types GTFA is worth saving and spreading around. :P

Angie

Charles Gramlich said...

Yeah, the word Catholic is like holy water to a vampire. Works every time.

Lana Gramlich said...

Look at it this way--at least you didn't get carjacked, robbed or shot. Sorry...had to play Devil's advocate there. *L*

Ashley said...

"I'm Catholic," is my response to that too -- though I never had quite as much luck. I think it's the worst when they come to my door, because I can't just bring myself to close the door on them.

That said, it might be the goatee.

David Cranmer said...

Travis, you are lucky you were not stoned to death right then and there. I was working for a very well known man (when I say working I was a security officer) in the DOJ. This individual comes to office and us goatee wearing heathens are told this new el jefe doesnt approve and we would have to shave them. I explained I was a Christian just like our new boss but it didn't matter. I quit soon after. Goatees and devils are apparently linked forevermore.

preTzel said...

David ---

Satan has a goatee? Or is it that if you have a goatee you look sacrificial? Much like a sacrifical lamb/goat? Interesting.

lyzzydee said...

Sucess!! I can leave a comment at last!!!!
Travis, I am glad you have had a good trip to Vegas, and I am impressed that you have found the magic to extricate yourself from Jehovas Witnesses, I will remember that when they trick me into answering my front door to them!!

David Cranmer said...

Pretzel,
I'm guessing this former boss was highly suspectible to Hollywood depictions of satan wearing a goatee and carrying a pitchfork, and so he made his employees shave. It was ridiculous.

The Anti-Wife said...

Great visuals on all the junk floating around your head!

sybil law said...

Haha
I like to tell them I'm a witch.
That's a funny little occurence, though, huh?! You, of all people?!

Bubblewench said...

Were your horns showing again? Did you wear your pirate garb?

Melissa Marsh said...

I can't believe he snatched it out of your hands! That's just bizarre to me.

jerseygirl89 said...

When I was in college I was approached by the various cult types nearly every day, often the same guys with the same schtick. Then I used to run home to my roommate and quiz her on whether I looked lonely and gullible. They didn't give up until I started swearing at them.

I think you should take it as a compliment that those guys thought you were the only one worth saving.

Mom In Scrubs said...

Ahh...the great summer JW migration - around here the white-shirt-black-tie-bicycle-brigade heralds the true arrival of summer....

The one and only time my husband has claimed to be Catholic (my former religion) was when accosted by a roaming pack of JWs.

That said, we were at the Great State Fair a couple weeks ago and one asked JeepMan if he had ever been to Moab, UT. JM turned around and There They Were. He said yeah, they had a nice chat about offroading, and the guys left - no God reference at all.

Next time tell them you're a Jeep-er from Moab, maybe?

Mom In Scrubs said...

oh- lest you think JW's have psychic powers...JeepMan was wearing a Moab Offroad t-shirt. Ha!

Patti said...

"I'm Catholic"

I've been doing that for years. We are cultists in their eyes. I find it entertaining.

Is that a sin?!

Danette Haworth said...

That's weird! would have to use some sort of night-vision apparatus to see what's going on over your head. (Maybe just little cartoon angel on one shoulder and a buffoon with a pitch fork on the other.)

dee said...

well obviously you were the victim of a 'drive by' JW encounter...just think of the conversation in that green car as they drove away...

"Can you believe it, our first shot to convert a redneck and its one of those Catholics! Its like they're everywhere....why don't we call it good and get the believers together for a poker game?"

Jennifer said...

Travis,

You have the best blog posts and the best comment contributors. More entertaining than anything on TV, that's for sure!