Thursday, September 11, 2008

Fluff This

An open letter to all of my beloved female readers.


Dear Dearies,

There are many things in this world that you adore, that I simply can't stomach. Lettuce, the out-of-breath quality to Celine Dion's voice, the stench of patchouli.

It is time to add fluffy toilet lid covers to the list. All I can say is why ladies? Why do you torture us men by draping those fluffy poodle pelts across the toilet lid.

You complain of our deer heads nailed to the wall, yet you condone the skinning of harmless pooches for the sake of bathroom decor.

Maybe y'all don't realize the problems those dang things create for those of us who stand to do our business, so let me explain.

A friend (a single woman I might add) has one of these things on her porcelain throne. We tend to gather at her house to play games and drink a few adult beverages on the weekend, which leads to frequent trips to the ol' bathroom.

I raise the lid, it falls due to the frilly cover not allowing the lid to rest properly against the tank. I reraise it. The stupid thing falls again. This leaves me two choices ... take a seat and forgo one of the few natural privileges a man has, (yes, we males celebrate and revel in our ability to take a leak on our feet), or hold the lid with one hand, while I direct my aim with the other. That might seem simple bat after a six pack of Shiner. also I'm tall guy so it leads to n awkward crouching position that throws off my balance and well honed stance.

I might as well be playing bathroom Twister.

Most of us men are not ambidextrous and agile acrobats of Cirque De Soleil. I hear and read your gripes about our poor aim, yet y'all chose to add a degree of difficulty befitting the Chinese dive team. So I say whose fault are those splatters?

And I'm not even going to go into the psychological terror we men have at dangling our parts before an alligator jaw-like death trap that could come chomping down at any second.

Truth be told I think it is an evil plot to make men take a seat since y'all are jealous of our inherent ability to stand and be men, but if it is an honest mistake I urge you to get shed of the poodle pelt and let us pee in peace.

Sincerely,

A Man Willing Demanding To Take a Stand



p.s. God bless the urinal!

46 comments:

Lisa said...

Ha! I had those way back when I was single, but never again!

Melissa Marsh said...

Oh. Dear. That was FUNNY.

I don't have one of those on my lid. Guess I have never seen the need for them.

March to the Sea said...

the worst is when it takes you off guard too. You think its "up" and then mid stream (sorry) you are forced to stop the falling seat yet keep your aim...

Josephine Damian said...

"I might as well be playing bathroom Twister."

Good one!

Josie explains the female perspective: Since most bathrooms are small and don't have room for a chair, we use the toilet as a chair for those all important activities like toe nail polishing, holding a magnifying mirror while we pluck our eyebrows - detailed tasks that take time, require sitting and therefore we prefer warm, comfy and fluffy to the plain, cold and hard toilet lid. It's not decorative, it's functional and necessary, and even better when it's pretty and pink.

Clair Dickson said...

Good one, Travis. I don't understand anything fluffy in the bathroom. But I'm not a fluffy person.

Monnik said...

Those things totally skeeve me out. Can you imagine how many germs there are in those?

Funny post. :)

WordVixen said...

If it helps, I can't stand Celine Dion! Her singing anyway.

And I totally don't use fuzzy bathroom anything except the bath mat and towels. Did you know that you have to wash those occasionally? More work= not me.

Peeing on your feet sounds gross. I say go for the toilet. :)

The Anti-Wife said...

No pink fuzzy toilet dresses for me. Too hard to clean. If you're going to let men in your bathroom, you need to make the area around the toilet austere and easy to clean.

Anonymous said...

Jenn the wife says:

I did not even know she had one of those. Huh. Lord knows we don't. Being the ony girl, ( the other girl drinks out of the toilet, so I doubt she would like it falling on her head as well) I do not have fluffy anywhere in my house.

Linda McLaughlin said...

LOl, very funny post, Travis. No fluffy toilet decorations in this house either, so my conscience is clear. ;)

Linda

CamiKaos said...

I just hate them because they're ugly. I also dislike Celion Dion and patchouli though... I find other women don't always want me to speak for them.

Kristen Painter said...

They are truly ugly and you'll never find one in this house.

Georgie B said...

Can sympathize as I used to visit numerous bathrooms like that in my younger days.

Got quite adept at doing the balancing act.

Probably why I have back problems now.

preTzel said...

No skinned pooches on my toilet but I bet you'd like mine. It's a "fish" seat/lid that you can see through!

spyscribbler said...

This just KILLED me. I hate them because it's difficult to clean the toilet when the lid won't stay up!

Titania Starlight said...

I must be in touch with the men because I think they are incredibly gaudy. I guess that makes for a happy hubby. Thanks for enlightening me. :o)

I like what Clair wrote. I am not a fluffy foo- foo woman either.

ChrisEldin said...

If you're gonna write for women, I suggest buying one for your home.

hehehe!

Funny!!!!
:-)

Sizzle said...

I hate all that fluffy crap.

yellowdog granny said...

i hate those things..i do like french toilet seats though...they are formed to fit the shape of your ass..as my friend shadylane says..it forms fits and splits..

DrillerAA said...

Well said.

Shauna Roberts said...

You can visit my bathrooms without worry. Although I do have decorations and scented soaps. Hope that doesn't offend your manlihood.

Joshua said...

yes!!!! down with the fluff! I too have had many occasion where i was forced to lean while holding the seat from falling. Eventually i just removed the fluff and threw it out the bathroom window. great freaking post dude

Robin said...

Oh no. The "southern woman's guide to keeping a clean bathroom" has just been busted.

Yes, we learned it at "cotillion" training...it was encouraged to get you to actually sit. Not only were you emasculated from being unable to perform the amazing feat of pee'ing upright...it eliminated unwanted spatter. Who ratted us out?

Tee hee! I for one, would never, hated em, still hate em...and my SE cleans up if he does spatter! I hate poodles, fluff, bows, and giggling...so yeah, you can hang out here and not have to worry about the Penis Fly Trap!

(BTW...check out my blog...finally figured out how to do pics! I might, someday, be blog literate!)

Phats said...

FINALLY a man willing to stand up for a worthy cause! haha I have no clue why people put these things on toilets, it looks retarded.

dee said...

I guess there are many of us - whose mothers raised the flag of pink shag gaudy things in the bathroom who now refuse to do anything but white porceline....however...also being married to a tall guy - THE SPRINKLES ARE KILLIN ME!!!! How many time must I step into a puddle of pee to pee while he's snoring away???? I think the shower and the urinal should become one and he should be banished from the toilet forever....

J. L. Krueger said...

Great one Travis!

It seems that your lady readers are not of the evil poodle skinning group though. Lucky you!

Bubblewench said...

I have them! But not in PINK! Ick! And I also smash them down and wash them a zillion times to the lid stays up. No lid smashing penis's in my house!

Just sit down drunky. No one will know.

Junosmom said...

mmmm...some generalizations there, Travis. That your female readers like fluff, pink, Celine Dion and actually know what patchouli is. (I detest all of the above, yet retain my feminine status.) Dh early in our marriage declared fuzzy toilet seat covers "tacky" and I had to agree. I'd like to say that having working lids reduced "splatter" but it does not. What gives? One thought is that given the apparent number of "adult beverages", you were fortunate that your single woman friend didn't invite you to use the mesquite tree out back instead.

Angie said...

ROFL! Hey, don't blame all of us just because some of us still have taste stuck in the fifties. :P I think those things are just as silly as you do. Aside from the fact that they're darned unsanitary -- anything fluffy and fibrous in the bathroom, particularly right around the toilet, needs to go through the wash every few days or it's just gross. (Especially when there are males in the house. [cough])

You're lucky you didn't know my mom when I was a kid; she not only had the fluffy seat lid, she also had a fluffy tank-lid-cover, and another fluffy thing that wrapped around the whole darned tank with elastic, plus the matching around-the-toilet rug on the floor. Yuck.

Angie

Charles Gramlich said...

I have a urinal at my house. It's called the back yard.

Scott Lessard said...

The trick to a happy marriage is his and her crappers. (I think that's in the bible somewhere). We don't have that arrangement, which is the cause of all of our conflict. Ours is more mine than Angie's. It's got a magazine rack built into the wall (mine) and a phone (hers). It's got a candle on the tank, but no fluffy stuff.

I grew up with fluffy stuff AND one of those padded seats. Scarred me for life. Can you imagine the bacteria that absorbed into that thing? AMA still has that padded seat thing. The kids love it (they even asked me to get one since the love it so much). Makes me shudder.

Travis - a question...where did you get that picture? Did you really take a camera into your friend's bathroom?

SL

Miladysa said...

Hmmm.... don't like them either nor lettuce or Celine Dion.

Looks like Patchouli confirms me as female though :-D

Barbara Martin said...

My mother had those fuzzy Poodle things for the bathroom, not me!
Great laugh, thanks Travis.

Michele said...

Okay, we don't have anything fluffy or pastel in our bathroom, especially near the toilet. Anything Celine Dion related is not allowed in the house. And I have to confess...I have no idea what patchouli is. Who knows, I might like that.

Most excellent points about fluffy toilet seat covers. And eww when thinking about the germ factor.

Shauna Roberts said...

Several people have commented on how unsanitary those fluffy things are . . . . I must confess, I always thought the point of them was to catch the dust and hide it so one didn't have to clean the bathroom as often. Just call me Ms. Clueless.

Vodka Mom said...

when you keep the piss in the toilet, the fluff can go. I'm just sayin....

Merelyme said...

I would never do that to your toilet. But I might do it to Celine Dion's toilet.

debra said...

Funny post, Travis. My dad's companion gave him a fuzzy cover for the steering wheel of his car. My kids always called it Grandpa's toilet seat cover.

SUV Mama said...

38 comments. My God.
Remove the friggin' cover. Hide in nearest cabinet. When your host notices, you will be gone, and with so many guests, how is she to know it was you?

I have the no-slam toilet seats. They are the best, most amazing invention EVER. I'm too damn proud of them to put fluffy covers over any one of them.

the walking man said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha the voice of reason speaks.

sybil law said...

Hahahaha
For the record, I HATE those things! I don't even understand them. The level of dirty around them makes me cringe to think about...

Mom In Scrubs said...

EEEEW.

I don't like any of those things. Celine Dion makes my brain hurt and Patchouli is what all the granola people here in my liberal town wear instead of Deodorant. Psssttt...granola people...it doesn't work!

Lana Gramlich said...

"Well honed stance?" *ROFL* We don't have fluffy covers, but we do have padded seats. They're a lot lighter, so even if they DID come down, it wouldn't be like a brick falling on your...ahem.

Hilary said...

Bathroom twister... snort!

Mary said...

I know a guy who installed a urinal when he re-fit his spacious bathroom. He also wanted to install warm air hand-driers, but his wife drew the line. Not that she’s thrilled about the urinal...

Travis Erwin said...

A couple of more comments and this will be my most commented on post. I'm always surprised by the posts that illicit the biggest reactions.