I love my wife. Truly I do. She is the perfect match for me. I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else. I just wish things were better in bed.
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about that. I'm not the kind of guy to kiss and tell, so let me explain what I am talking about.
My wife is a worrier, and especially a night time worrier. Come bedtime she nearly always finds something to fret about. I wonder if all wives do this sort of thing. Let me lay out how it goes.
We'll be in bed. I'll be right on the verge of sleep in that time when my eyelids are heavy and my thoughts are fuzzy ...
... and she'll ask, "Did you lock the front door?"
I drift back to my drowsy state before she utters, "What about the back?"
Another couple of minutes and then she'll say, "I think I left my purse in the car, and I bet you didn't lock it."
"Your purse was on the kitchen table, and yes I locked the car."
Over the years we have also played the I think I left the oven on, What was that noise, and the all too popular Someone is outside game.
I hate them all. Come bedtime, I simply wanna shut my brain down and drift off to dreamland. I'm not worried about someone carrying me off in the night. There are few people with backs strong enough to pick my big butt up. I just wanna sleep.
There are also the times she wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'll be the first to admit that I'm worthless once I've actually dropped into lala land. Once asleep it takes a lot to wake me up and get me stirring again. About the only sound that can make me hop out of bed in rapid fashion is the retching of a kid. Especially a child sleeping in my bed. I've blogged before that alarm clocks should spund like a kid puking a sthat is a sound you won't hit the snooze button on.
But back to my wife's nocturnal fretting. I have a million stories from our years of marriage and maybe I'll share some later. Middle of the night questions about giant tennis balls, the aroma of ketchup, and cat burglar with a fascination of windup baby swings, but for now, I want to share a story from two nights ago.
There I was in bed. Nearly asleep as the midnight hour fast approached. Outside the first rain in several months was falling. The wind was howling, and occasionally a bit of thunder rumbled.
I was mere minutes from blissful peace when Jennifer remembered our oldest son's homework project.
When was it due?
Was it tomorrow?
She got up in a panic, but couldn't find the paperwork. Then she remembered throwing away a stack of papers and she was pretty certain the information along with the assignment was in that stack of papers.
Guess who got elected to climb put of a nice warm bed? To get dressed and go outside in the rain to dig through the dumpster in the alley. YES I DID.
I found the papers, soggy and slightly encrusted with refried beans. And the project was due when ... February 18th.
Oh the joys of married life in bed.
So ladies, do you torture your significant other in the same manner? And for you men out there, do you find yourself making the midnight rounds checking locks and noises to satisfy your wife? Or do you roll over and go to sleep offering up the time honored explanations of It was the wind or Must have been the cat?
I use both, but the latter no longer works since we haven't had a cat in about six years.