Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Nocturnal Nuggets

I love my wife. Truly I do. She is the perfect match for me. I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone else. I just wish things were better in bed.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. I'm not talking about that. I'm not the kind of guy to kiss and tell, so let me explain what I am talking about.

My wife is a worrier, and especially a night time worrier. Come bedtime she nearly always finds something to fret about. I wonder if all wives do this sort of thing. Let me lay out how it goes.

We'll be in bed. I'll be right on the verge of sleep in that time when my eyelids are heavy and my thoughts are fuzzy ...

... and she'll ask, "Did you lock the front door?"

"Yes."

I drift back to my drowsy state before she utters, "What about the back?"

"Yep."

Another couple of minutes and then she'll say, "I think I left my purse in the car, and I bet you didn't lock it."

"Your purse was on the kitchen table, and yes I locked the car."

Over the years we have also played the I think I left the oven on, What was that noise, and the all too popular Someone is outside game.

I hate them all. Come bedtime, I simply wanna shut my brain down and drift off to dreamland. I'm not worried about someone carrying me off in the night. There are few people with backs strong enough to pick my big butt up. I just wanna sleep.

There are also the times she wakes me up in the middle of the night. I'll be the first to admit that I'm worthless once I've actually dropped into lala land. Once asleep it takes a lot to wake me up and get me stirring again. About the only sound that can make me hop out of bed in rapid fashion is the retching of a kid. Especially a child sleeping in my bed. I've blogged before that alarm clocks should spund like a kid puking a sthat is a sound you won't hit the snooze button on.

But back to my wife's nocturnal fretting. I have a million stories from our years of marriage and maybe I'll share some later. Middle of the night questions about giant tennis balls, the aroma of ketchup, and cat burglar with a fascination of windup baby swings, but for now, I want to share a story from two nights ago.

There I was in bed. Nearly asleep as the midnight hour fast approached. Outside the first rain in several months was falling. The wind was howling, and occasionally a bit of thunder rumbled.

I was mere minutes from blissful peace when Jennifer remembered our oldest son's homework project.

When was it due?
Was it tomorrow?

She got up in a panic, but couldn't find the paperwork. Then she remembered throwing away a stack of papers and she was pretty certain the information along with the assignment was in that stack of papers.

Guess who got elected to climb put of a nice warm bed? To get dressed and go outside in the rain to dig through the dumpster in the alley. YES I DID.

I found the papers, soggy and slightly encrusted with refried beans. And the project was due when ... February 18th.

Oh the joys of married life in bed.

So ladies, do you torture your significant other in the same manner? And for you men out there, do you find yourself making the midnight rounds checking locks and noises to satisfy your wife? Or do you roll over and go to sleep offering up the time honored explanations of It was the wind or Must have been the cat?

I use both, but the latter no longer works since we haven't had a cat in about six years.

61 comments:

David said...

I make the rounds (windows, doors) every night before going to bed, and I make sure that my wife sees me doing it.

Brian in Mpls said...

lol...this was awesome. I also have the pleasure of sleeping next to a cronic worrier.

Melanie Avila said...

I tend to worry, but since I go to bed after him, I check the doors, etc, before climbing into bed. Lately when I try to ask him things when he rolls over, he tells me he's no good at night and to ask him in the morning. If I do try to ask him about whatever we talked about, he plays dumb. I'm getting the hint. :)

Lana Gramlich said...

Heck no, I don't do that to Charles. If anything, he sometimes berates me for leaving the patio door unlocked overnight (after 18 years in Canada, it's hard getting into the habit of locking doors again!) If your wife worries about such things so much, why not suggest that she do all of the locking up? That way she can at least rest assured that it's done.

Michelle said...

Funny! I am an insomniac, but try not to 'wake the bear'!! If I even get up for a glass of water and wake him he's mad at me and will blame me all day long for his lack of sleep! Poor baby! :)

Monnik said...

Ha! Great post, had me giggling.

I'll admit, I'm a nighttime worrier too - and I have sat upright just like your wife, freaking out about when a homework project is due. But my husband sleeps like the dead, so if anyone were to dig through the trash at night, it would be me.

Thank goodness that we just let our papers stack up until they touch the ceiling, instead of throwing them away.

Josh said...

love the is the oven on game. great post man!

WendyCinNYC said...

I don't fret about house stuff, but maybe that's because we live in an apartment with 24-hour security. Plus, it's just noisy. I can't investigate every sound.

I might wake up in the middle of the night if I'm stressed about something, but I try not to wake the hubs.

Michele said...

So ladies, do you torture your significant other in the same manner? And for you men out there, do you find yourself making the midnight rounds checking locks and noises to satisfy your wife?

If you started a club, my husband would be a charter member. Yes, I'm a worrier. I stress...A lot. :)

Patti said...

i am a nighttime worrier. i tell husband it's the price he pays for being married to a catch like me.

ying yang, baby.

Janna Qualman said...

I'm SO a worrier (I think it IS largely a woman/mom thing), but my worries don't present themselves at bedtime, thankfully.

Good luck to you!

writtenwyrdd said...

I have to say that when I was married back about 20 years ago I never did such things. I would know I locked the door because I would physically check myself before bed, and if I was experiencing the odd worry (I didn't worry like that often) I'd get up and check it myself, because if I didn't I wouldn't KNOW you see.

But, generally speaking, I just didn't worry when I went to sleep. I konked out like you seem to do.

Angie Ledbetter said...

First, congrats on being cat-free! Second, maybe my DH (Deer Hunter) and your WIFE can hang out at night and worry/chat about these non-essential things that make my heart hammer when spoken to me in a very loud voice right when I've drifted off to dreamland! Makes me want to hurt him, especially when he's got headphones on and TV at max volume, and "forgets" I'm sleeping when he shouts out, "Hey, you goin' to yer mom's tomorrow?" argh!

I'm not a worrier in general, so I don't do so at bedtime.

Reb said...

Ah, the joys of being single. I am a worrier, but not about those types of things. I know the door is locked and the oven is off etc. I am also a fatalist, if the bump in the night wasn't the cat, then I guess it is just my time for whatever befalls me.

pita-woman said...

So laughing at this one.
I'm not a bedtime-worrier (or warrior for that matter). Sleep is all I want, my husband is more apt to annoy me with his questions.
It wouldn't make a difference if I was, my husband is THE soundest sleeper EVER, & I'd never be able to convince him to go investigate anything. I can only think of one time that he's ever gotten up to go investigate a strange noise, all the other times it's fallen to me, he even slept through someone trying to break into our house once & I had to call the police & he slept through the police helicopters hovering over our backyard.
Besides, we've nearly 400 lbs. of dog sleeping outside our bedroom door, so I really don't worry about the occasional bump in the night or the thought of leaving the door unlocked.

huddlekay said...

Hilarious Travis. I go to bed way later then him. But I still worry a night. I can't sleep because I'm thinking about something...

But he does the same thing. He'll get into bed and then yell at me from the bedroom to do "Whatever" he forgot to do.. get him a glass of water, check the doors.. etc.It's like a 30 minute ritual before he finally dozes off...

Charles Gramlich said...

Although this was very funny, I think I'd do as Lana suggests and tell her it was her job from now on to lock up.

Of course, I'm not sure I could trust Lana to lock up. She forgets that back patio door on occassion.

Clair Dickson said...

Um... bedtime is for two activities, neither of which includes worrying.

Not only that, but shouldn't the kid be responsible for his own homework assignment?

Hm. Another of those wifely things that I don't do. Besides, my Hubby gets up at 4:30am. That's bad enough without me waking him up during the night. Besides, I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself.

You do tell a funny yarn, even in the premise is absurd to me, Travis. =)

Kristen Painter said...

All wives don't do that. At least I don't. I'm not a worrier by any stretch of the imagination.

Stacy said...

I'm amused.

dizzblnd said...

nope.. I don't worry him with little stuff.. If I think of something minor, I will go do t myself.. but if I "hear something outside" I am waking up his ass!

Crystal Phares said...

I'm a worrier, buy hubby can sleep ANY time, ANY where, so I take care of it myself. I usually get yelled at for not waking him up when I'm scared/worried/upset/not sleeping/obsessing (pick one, I do them all).
He is of the opinion that he's the man, he should take care of all the nocturnal problems... until the dog wants to go out at 2 in the morning, then it's a totally different story!

Passage of a Woman said...

An amuzing post!

I am a worrier too but we don't have those problems. I have difficulty sleeping so sleep when I can; my husband can sleep through anything. But, since he's a OTR trucker, he's rarely home, maybe 5 nights a month, so we mainly just count our blessings when we're together, and sometimes that keeps us both awake.

Bee said...

This was a really funny, well-crafted post, Travis.

I have to confess that I'm not really one of life's worriers. Even if I had thrown the homework itself away, and even if it was due tomorrow, I would not consider it worthy of getting out of bed. Your wife is very conscientious! (That's a good thing.)

My mom is a big-time worrier, though. Apparently you just can't turn that kind of thing off.

Travis' Wife said...

Ok I will admit I worry at night ...not during the day for some crazy reason. But, lately I cannot remember to do anything. I try I just cannot remember anything. I loose stuff so even if I did lock something I would not remember if I did it or not.

Clare2e said...

I'm not a worrier, exactly, though my head does fill with trivia at various times. I love my sleep, but before bedtime, I tend to mention things from out of nowhere. Like where I'm going two weeks from now between 6 and 9pm on Thursday. I feel better for offloading the swirling thought, but my husband will never remember it.

Poetry Sue said...

I would never do this! Ack. I enjoy my sleep way too much.

cher said...

I'm used to Rob being gone a lot, so I normally do the check list myself.
but when he is home, I am known for things more like "ARE YOU AWAKE? I'm so sorry, I know I'm still up and just standing here brushing my teeth and you are already in bed and asleep , but would you mind just quickly going downstairs and switching the laundry? I put it on this morning and completely forgot to switch it. Thanks, you're the best!"

theneatos said...

My Mag makes the rounds - and that does not worry me. I just need to make sure that I spout out every unresolved topic before I can close my eyes ... I bring up big things too ... like, next Saturday we need to do blah blah blah. I would like to save for a vacation. Do you know anything about 529s? Oh, and, the car made an effed noise today. oookkkkk .. stretch ... yawn ... snore. And he is left to ponder my ramblings. Luckily he goes to bed later than me most nights.

Tee hee

Zoe Winters said...

Have you considered introducing tranquilizers?

If I did this with Tom, holy crap, he'd be angry Tom. Angry Tom annoys me enough, that if I feel a door isn't locked, I don't verbalize it, I just get up and go check it.

Janet said...

I'm not a worrier. It's my husband who asks those kinds of questions. If he tried it when I was trying to get to sleep, I'd tell him to go check it himself. After swatting him but good. I have a lot of trouble falling asleep and an interruption like that could keep me awake for an extra two hours.

Thankfully, it's when we're on the way out the door that he normally asks these things, at which point I just say, "Yes dear."

preTzel said...

I am going to plead the fifth and say nothing.

That's all. I'm innocent until proven guilty. :)

McKoala said...

I'm sorry, but that was hilarious!

I've impressed upon Mr Koala that if he doesn't do all the right nocturnal lock-ups with sufficient due diligence he will be tussling with the Bad Guys who get in because of his negligence. Seemed to work.

David Cranmer said...

My wife and I are just the opposite. I worry about everything at night and she's out like a light within seconds.

Terie said...

You are a good man and a good husband. She's so lucky to have someone who will do whatever it takes to get her mind at ease, even at the risk of your own loss of sleep. As a wife, I don't do my night time worrying in bed. Generally I just get up and go in the family room to be alone or with the computer. I will, however, send my husband a middle of the night email at work telling him why I was up so late. Thanks for sharing your stories, always so great to read them.

debra said...

it's in the quiet of night when all my fears and demons arise and bite me in the whatever. And I need to talk about it-----n-o-w. My husband grunts and nods.

Cheryl Wray said...

This is priceless, Travis.I loved it!

I am NOT a worrier and I go to sleep pretty much almost immediately, so we are in lala land until morning.

Love your writing!

(I hope you guys are doing well.)

Hilary said...

Yup, I'm a worrier but I just drive myself nuts most of the time. It helps to have cats to blame the noises on though. You're due for another. (You didn't read that, Angie)

the walking man said...

Yes sir been there done that dumpster diving thing looking for something that usually is sitting in the first place you should have looked but the last place thought of.

B.E. Sanderson said...

LOL, cute story. Sorry to hear about your dumpster dive, though. I do my best not to wake my husband up. If I have something on my mind, I either get up and check it myself, or let it wait until morning.

Steve Hamilton said...

Funny post. My partner and I do the same to each other. Usually I'm asking if he turned down the heat in the house or turned on the heat in the dog house at bedtime. When we leave, we usually make the block because he needs to make sure the garage door is shut. I don't think it's just a "wife" thing but I'm the one who worries most about these things.

MaNiC MoMMy™ said...

I always want to talk to my husband just as he's drifting off to sleep about the important stuff. That's when the house is finally quiet and I can finally hear myself to THINK about the things that went on throughout the day.

By the way, I called you out on Manic's blog. Are you brave enough to either A) take the challenge, or B) get some of your readers to take the challenge for YOU?

Funny that I went over to March's blog to let him know I also called him out, and you were the comment right above ME. It must be a sign that YOU are both born to donate blood! Care to offer up a pint or spread the word? The drive is going on through Feb, and there's a grand prize trip to Fla, among other great prizes! : )

Take the challenge! WeaselMomma did last week, and she's a chick!

Scott Lessard said...

Angie couldn't care less about those things. She goes to bed without a concern. Why? Because she knows that I am the anal one who will do the rounds to lock up, turn on/off lights as appropriate, etc. I do so not for her benefit (she truly couldn't care less), but for mine. Apparently, I am just like your wife.

That being said, I have extra worry about Angie and the kids when I travel. I have no doubt that they've gone to bed, in my absence, with front door unlocked or garage door wide open.

SL

pattinase (abbott) said...

ALthough I don't talk, I toss and turn which is just as bad. My worrying is more global than local. I worry about things no one can fix. If I could get up and check the windows or the car, I'd be in heaven. Unfortunately checking the air quality in Detroit or the money in bank vaults is harder to pull off.

Annie said...

My beloved is a locked door, everyone in their room, gun loaded, don't mess with me, kinda guy. I've never asked about doors, windows or purses.

However, he has had to listen to one too many whispered conversations about: his father, the children, the cows, my co-workers, my BBF, my weight, my hair, the cat, my job, my mother, my brother, my fathers, my omi.

Frankly, the man is a SAINT and deserves an award for living with ME!

ha!

PurpleClover said...

I've told my hubby on numerous occasions that if a burglar came in the house, "Good Luck, You're on your own." It would take a bull horn and a jack hammer to wake him up. I usually find that if his head is on the pillow, there is no point in talking or asking a question unless I'm talking on the phone or to myself.

But I will wake if even his nostril hair whistles. ;) hehe.

FYI...I swear I can sense child wretching before it actually happens. Just like a dog can tell when someone will have a seizure. It's very eerie.

PurpleClover said...

Correction. If I said, "Brooke Burke is naked on TV." I really believe deep down in my soul he would wake up.

I'll save it for when the burglar comes. Don't want to cry wolf too many times.

Mr. Shife said...

Nice post Travis. And I definitely make the rounds before hitting the sack so Mrs. Shife does not have to worry. But since she is about to give birth I find myself doing more stuff in the middle of the night like getting her water or Tums or tissues.
And thank you for the Quincy thoughts.

Dawn Anon said...

I'm a light sleeper.. and I worry as much as Mrs. Travis. But, because I'm a light sleeper and he's a log, i'm the one that gets up to check the stove, the locks, the cat, and to lookie-loo outside at every random sound.

ugh.

Unfortunately, if i try to write at night, it's suddenly ZZzz-ville and lights out. Weird.

Pink Ink said...

My husband would worry if I didn't worry. :-)

I worry about doors, too. Why do I expect my husband to do it? I have no idea, but that's my natural inclination.

WordVixen said...

It's my husband who has those panic attacks, but you are giving me ideas....

writtenwyrdd said...

Mrs. Travis, I think your worry and forgetfulness is likely due to all the stress you guys have had to deal with lately. And on top of the fire and loss of things important to you, and insurance stuff and replacing things, you have to find a new house.

I think anyone would be a bit distracted and forgetful!

J. L. Krueger said...

Odd thing for me is that it is quiet sneaky noises that wake me up.

On our recent trip to Scotland, my wife woke up in the middle of the night and cried for about two hours about the affair I was having. She dreamed it, but it was vivid enough that it became reality to her.

I made matters worse by sleeping through the whole thing!

Bina said...

Honestly, nothing scares me or worries me when I go to bed. I mean, if I hear something, I usually know what it is right off the bat. My husband is the one who will say, "Did you hear that?" and I'll say, "it's the dog moving around in her crate" "How do you know?" "Because that's what it sounds like and I've heard that sound for three years now!" or when the cat used to open the girls bedroom by jumping up and pulling the handle down. He didn't believe me on that one and had to go upstairs and check it for himself.

lyzzydee said...

I'm not much of a worrier but I do talk in my sleep convincingly, I have sat bolt upright and shouted 'good fun eh' I don't remember that, I have also told him not to step on the guitar when he got up, we don't have one. I have also shouted 'Orlando' at the top of my voice, loud enough to wake the kids, I have no idea why!!!

Junosmom said...

Well, yes, I do, after finally, finally having a moment to relax and think, wonder if all the doors are locked and if I paid the Visa bill, etc. I've learned not to ask dh, he turns over and goes to sleep. Doesn't faze him at all. I've been known to go to the barn at midnight to check a horse (or worse, chicken) that worries me. So, kudos to you for listening to her. That's what you wanted to hear, right?

Janie said...

Dude.

If you meet ThatManILove, I think you'll find the two of you have much in common.

Okay, I have one question. When y'all get out of the vehicle, and you're like half a block away, does she say, "Did you lock the car? I didn't hear it beep."

If so, we may be your doubles.

Jess said...

LOL! And GROSS about the alarm clock idea. You are right though, it would probably work.

Angie said...

Unless you're exaggerating for the sake of humor, all I can say is, Dude, your wife's got Issues. O_O

I can count on my fingers the number of times in my life I've woken up in the middle of the night (or startled to more-wakeful while falling asleep) with an "OMG, did I forget something important?!" type thought. And if my husband woke me up with that kind of crap night after night, he'd be sleeping alone RSN.

You must be a wonderful husband to put up with this stuff, so major props to you. [wry smile]

Angie

Kateyamatey! said...

I used to wake my ex up in the middle of the night... thinking I had left the microwave door open. What a thing to worry over! As if the micro- waves would change my brains. Lol.

Aaron said...

Wait, this was your SON'S homework, right?