Friday, May 8, 2009

If I were a Fictional Dude

I will return tomorrow but for now I'm still off chasing a new, bigger fish to hold up and dangle in my avatar, but I didn't wanna leave you high and dry, so here is another vintage (sounds better than retread or rerun) post that you may not have read.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007



THE MEME -- Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With If I Were Single and They Were Real But I’m Not, Single I Mean, I Am Real, But I’m Also Happily Married and Want to Stay That Way So Maybe We Should Forget This..."
I agree, but I'm going to add a few things. In order for me to hook up with any of these fictional creation I too would have to be fictionalized and inserted into the novels in which they appeared, so a couple of my choices had to do as much with my desire to be in a certain book as it does with their sex appeal. And since I am a one woman kind of guy in real life I have to believe my fictional self would be as well. So, I am going to list nine runner-ups,(why they made the list and why they missed being at the top of my list) and one winner as the premiere object of my fictional affection. In reverse, David Letterman style ...


10. Stephanie Plum from the Stephanie Plum Novels by Janet Evanovich -- First off she has that whole Jersey Girl mystique about her. There have been songs, books, and movies about Jersey Girls and the closest I've ever come to meeting a Jersey Girl is a couple of Literary Agents at various writing conferences. Oh, and Brooke, but I only know her via the blog world. Stephanie Plum has that aura of excitement and danger about her that would be fun for a while but in the end I do not think a good ol' boy from the Texas Panhandle and a gal from the Burg would have enough in common. Besides, too much stuff gets burned to the ground around her and I like my meager possessions in their current un-ashed stated. (Boy how things can change)



9. Victoria Roubideaux from Plainsong and Eventide by Kent Haruf -- From the last meme you know how I feel about these books, so I'd love to be written into them. Plus I feel sorry for Victoria she could use a good guy in her life, but since pity isn't the best aphrodisiac she fails to make the cut.



8 . Daisy Buchanon from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald -- I mean her allure can not be questioned. Look at the lengths to which Gatsby went to pursue her. But then again, wanting something at any cost is always dangerous so would I really want to get mixed up with her. I do think it is a shame that we've had to endure bell bottoms twice but that whole 20's flapper look has never came back in style.




7. Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling -- No I'm not a pedophile, but there was nothing in the rules of this meme that says I couldn't be written in as a teenage fictional character. Hermione is smart, loyal, brave, and cunning, but maybe a bit too bossy as well. Besides, she couldn't be all that hot. Harry spent all those weeks alone in that tent with her and not once did he make a move. And don't tell me that was out of friendship to Ron. First off Harry was mad at his friend and secondly, I know full well what is at the forefront of all seventeen year old boy's minds.


6. Sophie Dempsey from Welcome To Temptation by Jennifer Crusie -- First off let me say I just want to be in a sex scene written by Ms. Crusie cause I'm afraid to admit it, but in the real world I'm not nearly as limber and flexible as her characters tend to be. Sophie sticks out in my mind as the most memorable character from a Crusie novel, but she's got a bit of conman in her as well, and she could whoop me in pool so again she doesn't quite make it to the top of the list. Her sister was hot too, although I can't remember her name off the top of my head.





5. Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare -- Okay I know it was a play and not a novel, but isn't this the love by which all others are judged? Course I don't want even my fictional self to die so this one would need an alternate ending before I was willing to take part. And wouldn't it be interesting to see how Shakespeare would have handled my Texas drawl. Of course he did use yonder. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
And how about this ... "Oh Travis, Travis! Where are ya Travis? Forget your pa and forget your family name! Or at least swear you love me."
Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as ... "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?Deny thy father and refuse thy name!Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love."

4. Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell -- Come on what fan of fiction wouldn't want to be written into GWTW? And there is no denying that Scarlett was a real Southern Bitch, but she was also the most interesting character. I can only hope my character would have been more like Rhett Butler than that wimp Ashley.

3. Star Wood Leigh from Star by Pamela Anderson -- Okay I haven't even read this book. But I do know it is a thinly veiled biography of Pamela Anderson life, and therefore the character has to look like her. Yes, I'll admit it, I kind of have a thing for Pamela Anderson, even after she dissed Kid Rock who I am a big fan of. Hey, we all got to have fantasies, but since that is all this is, number four is as high as I could go.

2. Lady Brett Ashly from The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway -- Hemingway introduces her this way ... Brett was damn good-looking. If Hemingway says it, I believe it. She left a wake of men in her trail. Heck she even had impotent men lusting after her. Now that is sex appeal. But to make the top of my list a woman has to be compassionate and capable of returning my affection. Lady Brett comes up short in those departments.


So the winner is ...

1. Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling -- This gal has it all. First off the name Nymphadora practically has the word nympho right in it. Add in the fact Tonks has the ability to change her appearance on a whim. Blond one day, a redhead the next. I small petite nose or a big honking pig snout. Whatever floats your boat she can be it. Besides the physical side she's smart, tough, funny and an evil-fighting Auror. What more could a man ask for? And ... in book seven she married a werewolf -- which means she likes hairy guys. Yes siree ... Nymphadora Tonks is my choice as the fictional character I'd most want to go out and howl at the moon with.


12 comments:

Snowbrush said...

Good luck with that fish you're trying to catch. Funny how your last entry is listed as being from 2007.

Lauren said...

Good luck with the fish. This list totally cracked me up. You are too funny :)

Crazy Charm said...

I loved the Stephanie Plum series! Very funny :)

Aerin said...

OMG, Tonks is my literary crush, too. I'd totally make out with her.

Bina said...

I would love to be in Gone With The wind, and I would be with Rhett. Hell, if Scarlett doesn't want that man, I'd damn sure take him!

laughingwolf said...

wuffs howl with the best of em, travis ;) lol

alex keto said...

Oh stop faking it and catch yer darn fish.

Charles Gramlich said...

I'm more of a Dejah Thoris type of guy myself. Or at least I was before I met Goddess Lana.

Bee said...

This is hilarious! Loved your logic and your breadth of literary choice.

I've never heard of the Stephanie Plum series. So, learned something new!

mrsb said...

Dude, you have such good taste. Tonks is the bomb.

(and Jersey girls everywhere salute your knowledge that we are not all big haired, Mafia wifes and bimbos)

jerseygirl89 said...

You have great taste in women.

But um, hello. . .I'm from Jersey! You know me virtually too. Just sayin'.

Scott said...

Well, I'm embarrassed! I have a BA, and a year of graduate-school, in English-creative writing--but I've never read any of the works listed!

Still, I have seen the film, "Gone with the Wind", and I must say I've always favored "Melanie" (not to mention Olivia de Havilland-- one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen)!

I'm one of those old-fashioned guys who really hates bitches, like "Scarlett". I love sincere, loving women, who only have eyes for me! But I wouldn't want to be "Ashley"--he doesn't know how good he has it, and can't make up his mind!