Monday, July 27, 2009

Dogging It

I've heard a lot of poetic waxing about the good ol' days. about a simpler time when a person's handshake actually meant something. Most of the time I think rants about the so-called good ol' days are simply the products of selective memories. After all no one wants to hold onto and remember the bad stuff, so I understand that inclination.

They way i see it there is a tragic flaw to the whole concept of a handshake, whether that hand shake be offered as the punctuation on a sealed deal or even as a simple greeting. And that flaw is that there is no commitment to it. It takes nothing to stick out your paw and grasp another.

Heck, just look at the handshakes most frequent users ... politicians and car dealers. That alone ought to be enough to shed the handshake in a negative light.

Step on any car lot in America and chances are you'll have some dude with slicked back hair and over-starched slacks reaching for your hand. Or get anywhere near a political candidate and see how eager he is to grab on and promise to represent your true interests. Neither of this fellas gives a damn about really helping you but they try to make it seems as if they do by simply shaking your hand.

Know what I say? Dogs are more advanced than humans.

Now I know that every comedian in the land has made mention of the way dogs sniff one another when they first meet. And like you I cringe at the very thought of walking up to a stranger and immediately taking a whiff of their butt, but you gotta admit that kind of get-to-know you gesture comes with a certain commitment that a handshake simply can't compete with.


And you gotta admit, we'd find out real fast just how bad that salesman wanted to make a sale. Or how far that candidate was willing to go for your vote.

And I myself will freely admit that I'd be a bit more forthcoming about my true feeling when encountering friends and acquaintances. Right now I'll stop and shake some former coworkers hand when I see him at the grocery store. Yes, even that guy who was a jerk and ratted on me for taking an extra break. But you can bet your dog biscuits that I'd walk right on by that idiot if we humans employed the same greetings as the canine world.

Matter of fact, I might not ever stop and talk to anybody ever again.



P.S. Please think of me the next time you pause to shake some one's hand.

28 comments:

laughingwolf said...

ew...

i like the old days when a firm handshake, and a person's word, were gospel... still are with me....

Christopher Goodwine said...

Now I am just waiting for the opportunity to tell someone, "Hey! That's enough. Now sniff butts and make up."

They'll be, like, "What?"
And I'll be, like, "It's the latest thing."
And they'll be, like, "Bullshit!"
And I'll reference your blog.

Whether they buy it or not, problem solved.

Beth said...

man, if some man with slicked back hair and over starched pants reaches his hand out and tried to touch ME, he'll be pulling back a stub!!!

Melanie Avila said...

The standard greeting down here is a handshake AND kiss on the cheek (although it did ease up for a month or so with the whole swine flu thing). Some men are a little over-eager and throw in a half hug, so I would be surprised if they went for this whole butt-sniffing thing.

DebraLSchubert said...

Um, ew. But funny in a gross kind of way.;-)

sybil law said...

I've posed that question to my daughter - "What if we were like dogs and had to smell other dog's butts?", and she laughs and is like, "No way!".
I have to say i agree. Just wouldn't happen.
Unless it was a REALLY hot bitch.
Haha

Reb said...

I don't shake hands unless I'm interviewing for a job or the person is an old friend of the family. I don't hug unless I know you really, really well - like related to you.

Do what I do, I never expect to see people I know, so I never recognize people when I am shopping. I've had people think I ignored them on purpose, but oh well. Maybe in some cases ;)

alex keto said...

There is a logic to what you say and that's really scary.

G said...

I always shake hands....well, more like a fist punch...or maybe just a five finger wave....

Angie Ledbetter said...

What laughingwolf said, and that goes for hugs too.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

You're a goof.

I know some Europeans and South Americans and yeah, they do kiss all the time. I think it's kind of a nice gesture, though, especially when I saw this son walk up to his mom, who he'd just seen like an hour ago, and kiss her cheeks like he always does upon saying hi. I resolved my kids would do that, too.

Cheryl Wray said...

Down South we don't worry about handshakes...we just hug everyone (seriously! I'm such a hugger!).

Charles Gramlich said...

Yeah, I sort of think I'd suddenly become house bound.

lyzzydee said...

Dogging has another meaning in the UK.......

the walking man said...

I would be more leery of sniffing a vegetarians butt...man all that roughage certainly makes for some strange scents.

And that is why I always got in so much trouble before I was forced into retirement...I never would sniff the foreman's butt yet would always tell them to kiss mine.

Hilary said...

You certainly gave me paws for thought..

Pearl said...

I've been working on my hugs (midwesterners/northerners tend not to touch as much as the rest of the world it seems!) because I'd like to feel more at ease with that.

As for the handshake and a person's word being worth more at some point in the past, I have to agree with you that that is primarily nostalgia, that things used to be "better". There's a rowdy little group called "Gogol Bordello" that has a song in which the first stanza is:

There were never any good old days
They are today
They are tomorrow
It's a stupid thing we say
Cursing tomorrow with sorrow.

I couldn't agree more with that.

Pearl

p.s. What Christopher Goodwine said. :-)

Mr. Shife said...

You can always go stink palm someone. It is from the movie Mall Rats. Stink palm - the act of picking your butt and shaking someone's hand. It is sort of a combination of the butt sniffing and the handshake.

Kathryn Magendie said...

Lawdy be... I have no words.

Tee said...

"Heck, just look at the handshakes most frequent users ... politicians and car dealers."

Wow - excellent point!

Tim King said...

Hee hee. Good one.

I too think that pining for the "good old days" is generally a symptom of selective memory, because we have things better today than they ever were in the "good old days." And I imagine that a handshake actually means no more today than it did in the "good old days."

On the other hand, most peoples' butts are probably cleaner than their hands.

-TimK

King of New York Hacks said...

Laughing wolf hit it on the head.

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

Are you kidding me? A handshake's not worth anything anymore?

I am SO screwed.

MTBLaura said...

Thanks a lot Travis...
Because of you, I went to a meeting yesterday and when the speaker introduced himself and shook my hand...all I could think of was your blog and then thought...Hah..sure you shook my hand, but you will so not remember me if I need a favor sometime soon....I bet you don't even remember my name by the meeting's end. So I sniffed his but. :-)
Thanks for spoiling the dream man! :-)

your other wife said...

Who knew you held Sharky in such high regard?

Travis' Wife said...

Your a ding dong hahaha.

ddusty said...

Oh, dear. I can agree with everyone, or I can be truthful and get called a blog troll. Going home now.

Wendy said...

I don't think I really want anyone that committed to me. :)