Jane's Bestfriend (And I don't Mean Spot)

My post a few days ago about my coworker and the talking penis jogged my memory and made me recall two other work related penis stories. And it's been a while since I told a story on here simply for entertainment sake here goes story number one.

I started at the post office back in 1992 at the ripe age of 19. Having worked at the feedstore for nearly four years before that I was used to egotistical bosses, but unlike my feedstore boss my first postal supervisors had very little charm or flair to go with his bravado. His name was Bert.

Bert was originally from Georgia and still possessed a mumbly southern accent. He talked as if his mouth was stuffed with grits and called every male working for him Boy. "Boy you bes' work dat mail fasser or you gonna be down on 7th street come morning."

The unemployment office was on 7th street.

Bert liked to run down Texas every chance he got, especially the food. "Don't know how dey call dis shit round here Barbecue. Back in Joe-Ja (his way of saying Georgia) they knew how to smoke meat. Gotta have hardwood. Mesquite ain't no damn good, but ain't no real trees that'll grow here in this God-forsaken state."

You'd never guess Bert had issues with the local food by looking at his ample gut. He wasn't a tall man. Had you measured his height standing or laying on his back the difference would have been no more than a slice of Texas toast. But his belly wasn't sloppy or jiggly. Rather it was solid and domed like that of a bloated cow left in the bar-ditch for a week in August.

Bert liked to stand around rubbing his gut and watching us work.

One day, just after lunch he walked over and propped one foot up on the dolly of mail trays we were prepping and commenced to gently rub and pat his stomach. One of my coworkers, a longtime postal worker who'd been slinging mail longer than I'd been alive, said, "Damn, Bert you are getting fatter ever day."

Bert shifted the toothpick dangling between his lisp to the corner of his mouth and with an extra pat said, "It's all dick."

My coworker looked up, arched one brow and said, "Wow, how much of it did you eat?"