Monday, April 5, 2010

I've Got The Dairy, If You Wanna Make Merry

Tall, dark and handsome. We've all heard women say that was what they are looking for.

Well I'm tall -- 6'5" to be exact.

My hair is mostly black. Yeah the percentage of gray ones increases every day, but at least for a few more years I'll still qualify as being dark.

That only leaves handsome. Given the fact I've never had to beat the ladies off with a stick this must me the category I fall short in. Nevertheless, I did get hit on at Wal-Mart this weekend.

Let me set the scene.

My buddy Rob and I are headed out to his tract of land for a bit of fishing, hiking, and gun shooting. My two boys are along to get their dose of outdoorsy adventure. We head out a little after 7:30 but we decide to stop at Wal-Mart to pick up fishing worms, tortillas and kielbasa.

My boys stay out in the truck with Rob while I run in. At that time of morning the store was nearly empty so I grab the worms to feed the fish and the meat to feed us. But then I decide o buy the boys some donuts. And nothing goes better with a donut than milk so sitting my purchases on the counter I look in the cool drink cases between the registers to see of they have any milk in them.

The clerk is busy ringing up the only other customer in line but she sees me looking and asks if I need help.

"Is there milk in any of these drink coolers?" I ask.

The Wal-Mart lade shakes her head. "No, I don't think so."

It was at this point that the customer in front of me, a somewhat plain, but decent enough looking lady in her early thirties , sized me up by letting her eyes roam up and down my body. Apparently deciding she liked me she lowered her voice and in a sultry tone, said, "I have some milk at my house."

Now let me stop here and analyze this.

I'm not the kind of guy who gets hit on often so that alone was a bit surprising. But to get hit on before 8 AM from a gal that seemed totally sober was a real shocker. Maybe she liked my worms. Maybe it was the phallic shape of the kielbasa that suddenly got her in the mood. Maybe my Irish Spring soap made her feel lucky enough to go after a pot of gold. Maybe she just digs big hairy dudes. I don't know, but I applaud her for originality. it ain't often you can use something as wholesome as a milk as the basis of a pickup line.

Maybe this particular gal simply has a different set of criteria ... Tall, dark, and not lactose intolerant.

So now I must ask the question. What's the strangest pickup situation you've ever experienced?

37 comments:

stacy said...

The strangest (and worst) pickup line I ever got was from a guy who had just finished bragging about how he had screwed a young lady into unconsciousness. Then he winked and smiled at me and said "You're next."

No. Just no.

stacy said...

I love the title to your post, too.

Beck said...

Hahah!
My worst - and most recent - involved me getting hit on in a McDonalds by a guy who was talking to his friend about how he was out of day parole. I think he was trying to hit on as many women as he could in hopes of making the most of the day. So that was super flattering, for sure.

Natasha Fondren said...

That's hilarious!

Man. No one's hit on me forever. :-(

wordvixen said...

I think the oddest hit-on situation I've been in was the gay waiter hitting on me while I was on a date. Totally harmless (I mean, he WAS gay), but hubs still won't take me back to that restaurant. *lol*

Pearl said...

:-)

I got hit on in a Wendy's, of all places, by a man without teeth and a woman who would best be described as medically obese. The man approached my husband (as tall dark and handsome as you!) and asked him -- and I swear this is true -- if we wanted to "go back to the trailer and party".

What a sweet offer, huh?!

Pearl

Sarita Rucker said...

Oh wow. That's crazy, but it does make a good story.

I'm generally clueless when I'm being flirted with, so I can't think of the best pick up line I've had, but...

At the prom my best friend got me to dance with her boyfriend. This was fine, but it was only a year later when I was thinking back to it that I realized that he was FLIRTING with me during the dance.

That just proves how clueless I am, I guess.

Jenn Jilks said...

Oh my, I guess you were just what she was looking for! You'll have to work it into a story sometime!
My Dad, with dementia, in long-term care, was so embarrassing. He hit on everyone. His tumour took away all inhibitions.

Jerseygirl said...

That is awesome.

The strangest pickup I've ever had was when I was 8 months pregnant and sitting in the waiting room at the OB's office. I was just chatting with the guy sitting next to me - completely innocently, because, man, 8 MONTHS, you know - and he put his hand on my knee and asked for my phone number.

sex scenes at starbucks said...

I get hit on by women. Most recently with some gay friends at a ski resort. They thought it was funny (and the chick was attractive so it was all good).

I'm not gay and I'm old and married, but I do take it as a compliment. In my experience, women are pickier than men.

Old Kitty said...

And.... you replied...???

Ooooh you are such a writer keeping me in suspense!

I had "Cheer up, luv, it may never happen" once said to me!

:-)

Btw, what on earth is a kielbasa??

p.s. hope you had a fun outdoorsy type adventure with your friend and sons.

Take care
x

Melissa Marsh said...

Hahaha - that is AWESOME!!!

Monnik said...

Travis, what did you say to her???

I was at the beer tent at the Iowa state fair a couple of years ago. (This means there were hundreds of really drunk people packed into a small space) I wore a t-shirt that had the logo of the band KISS across the front.

This guy came up to me, and honest to god, actually buried his face in my chest. I was so astonished, I smacked him on the head. He said, "What? Your shirt told me to kiss them!"

It was a good thing my husband was on the other side of the tent (coincidentally, getting hit on by someone else at the exact same time) or that poor drunk fella would've gotten knocked to the ground.

Eric said...

That's hilarious. I am pretty clueless when it comes to these things. My wife however, claims women are flirting with me all the time. I don't buy it. I mean, if I was the geeky equivalent of Brad Pitt then I could see it. I don't have any examples to share though, because (as I said) I usually don't know when it's happening anyway. Probably a good thing my wife put up with me enough when we were dating to eventually marry me.

Naomi Johnson said...

Just so ya know, Travis, I have milk AND kielbasa at my house. LOL!

(Wal-Mart -- guess you really can get everything there.)

Beth said...

One night, I was at a housewarming party for a gay friend of mine. I was chit-chatting with some guy and out of the blue he said "You're really cute you know. If I wasn't predominantly attracted to men I'd totally go for you."

Not a pick up line, but a backhanded compliment if ever there was one.

Rocketstar said...

That's odd but hey, alwasy good to get hit on.

sybil law said...

That is AWESOME.
Being a girl, you get all kinds of come ons, all the time (looks really don't matter). The worst that immediately comes to mind, was this older man, rich as shit, who asked me if he could take the twins and I out.
What a fucking douche.

lyzzydee said...

Great story, what is a kielbasa?

Hilary said...

You remind me of Frank. Both tall, dark(ish) and handsome and you buy fishng worms alongside a hunk of Kielbasa. I'll bet you have no qualms of eating a chunk of kielbasa immediately after hooking a worm either.

I'm just curious as to how you replied to Ms. Dairy. :)

Beth said...

Mine was certainly not as pleasant as yours was – a guy grabbed my hand in a bar and wouldn’t let go. It actually hurt. Bit of a wacko. Before I had to resort to making a scene, friends came to the rescue.

I might use that milk line someday! ;)

Sarita Rucker said...

For those who have asked -- kielbasa is a kind of very yummy meat. It's a little like sausage...actually it might be sausage. I'm not sure. But it's yummy.

I have some vegetarian kielbasa in my fridge...

Avery DeBow said...

Did you leave out the part where you were trying to get the five-fingered discount on the kielbasa by shoving it down your pants?

My oddest pickup was in a quiet restaurant/bar, where I was innocently having dinner and an older couple came up and invited me to be the third wheel on their sex car. Uhh, no--but, thanks?

Richmond Writer said...

I loved the story.

Barrie said...

Tall, dark and lactose tolerant!!! Still laughing at that!!

I got picked up at a Greek restaurant once. I was out for dinner with a girlfriend. Two guys from across the restaurant sent us a note via the waitress to meet them at the bar next door. After we finished our dinner, we walked past the window of bar where the guys were sitting. You should've seen their faces when they caught a glimpse of me. I was HUGELY PREGNANT! They did not wave us in. :)

Junosmom said...

Oh, no, you're not getting off the hook that easy - pushing the conversation off on us. What did you SAY?

Lana Gramlich said...

I don't remember the line, exactly--it was something nautical--but I countered in a heartbeat with something about a "small craft advisory."

G said...

I got consistantly hit up on by a friend from 2006 through mid 2009.

the walking man said...

The strangest pick up experience I ever had was when I figured out it was easier to change the in tank fuel pump if you took the bedd off the frame. Man that was some revelation.

Charles Gramlich said...

I've been only on the other end of this kind of thing, I fear. SHort, Squat, and hirsute.

Texanne said...

Had to go way back for this one. I'm swimming laps at the college pool, and stop for a breather at the shallow end. Strange guy says to me, "I'll bet you think you're fat, don't you?" I glared at him. He said, "In my country, you are beautiful. Would you like to go out with me?"

Texanne said...

Like everyone else, I'm dying to know what you answered to the Dairy Maid. Great story, BTW, as always.

WordVixen said...

The Walking Man- Bwahahahahah! :-D

Eric- Don't worry, romantic cluelessness runs in our family. My brother didn't know his (now) wife was asking him on a date and turned her down (whereby she assumed he was gay until she got to know him better), and I didn't know that I was dating my (now) husband for several months until he spelled it out for me.

JohnO said...

Hah! Finally got around to reading this. I too am 6'5" (go figure), and was having a beer with my teammates after a hockey game a while back. One of the bar girls leaned over and said, "I'll bet you like country music."

Hmm. Having grown up in the largest city in Canada, that couldn't be any more wrong. But my teammates, who are easily impressed, were impressed.

your other wife said...

I don't fingd it surprising you got hit on at all!!!!!

Jennifer said...

Once at a bar many years ago when I was much younger, a guy who looked like someone you might see holding a sign on a street corner that reads:WILL WORK FOR ALCOHOL (long, somewhat matted hair, slouchy clothes in need of a wash, etc.)approached my table. He leaned over to me and said. "You wanna dance? You don't have to touch me."

Bubblewench said...

I actually had a guy ask me if I wanted to come to his loft to see his etchings.

I probably would have hit on you too if I saw kielbasa and donuts. YUM!