Friday, July 30, 2010

Creatile Dysfunction

Inspiration sagging?

Muse failing to arouse your creative side?


Are your sentences and paragraphs limp and lifeless?


Luckily, I have the answer to your creatile dysfunction.  



Grab one of these fancy pens and the words will rise out of you.

New story ideas will penetrate you mind.

Your prose will be firmer.


Your sentences longer.
 
But a word of warning.


Do not use this pen in conjunction with alcohol or mood altering drugs, even if they are your normal muse seducing method, as doing so may cause a sudden, unsafe drop in blood pressure.


Discuss your writing career with your literary agent to ensure that you are healthy enough to engage in the use of this pen while writing. If you experience chest pain, nausea, or any other discomforts during writing, seek immediate help from a reputable critique group.


In the rare event of a writing session lasting more than 4 hours, keep your ass in your chair.


If you are older than age 65, or have serious liver or kidney problems, your literary agent may start you at the lowest dose (.5 mm) rollerball version of this pen or  may limit you to a maximum single dose of 50 ML of fountain ink in a 48-hour period.

In rare instances, men using this creatile dysfunction pen  reported a sudden decrease or loss of vision. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to this writing instrument or to other factors such as rejection letters and over exposure to spam emails from a variety of vanity presses. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of vision, stop using this pen and call your literary agent right away.

Sudden decrease or loss of hearing has been rarely reported in people using this pen. It is not possible to determine whether these events are related directly to this pen or to other factors like the inability to land the above mentioned literary agent. If you experience sudden decrease or loss of hearing, stop using this pen contact an agent that is actively looking for new writers. 


This pen should not be used with other treatments that cause a swelling of your creativity.

This pen does not protect against literary diseases, including purple-prosorrhea, tellamydia, or info-dumpyffilis.


The most common side effects of this pen are hand cramping, unreal expectations, and stating the obvious such as ... Chicken shit is rank. See the writing example in the above picture for further proof.  Less commonly, blurred vision, sensitivity to light, and the inability of friends and family to recognize you may briefly occur.

30 comments:

Bea said...

This was incredibly creative! Loved it!

Hilary said...

LOL.. too funny. Only you could turn a ball point into a fountain pen.

About Posey said...

LOL My husband has GOT to start reading your blog.

Val said...

Great Post, Travis. Now I know how you finished that manuscript, and I'll never think of you in the same way.

Teresa said...

This is hilarious. I love the term "creatile dysfunction." And the side-effects were mind-boggling!

Janna Qualman said...

ROFL! Awesome.

Oh! Even better... my word ver is pinos. *snort*

Melissa Marsh said...

Hahaha! But where did you GET this pen?

Old Kitty said...

Thank you for testing this pen out for us and for your honest review of the product.

Glad to know it is sort of working for you. Your handwriting and penmanship looks sharper, legible and such a lot of it too.

:-) Take care
x

Eric said...

Wow, if that's an example of your handwriting, I feel for your typist. LOL. Just kidding, this is awesome. Thanks for the laugh.

Pearl said...

Oh, do you know what I would do for that pen?

HEEEEEY. Not that! Who do you think you are, anyway?!

Pearl

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Are you spent?

Mr. Shife said...

Nice work Travis. Thanks for the laugh buddy. Keep up the good work. Have a great weekend.

G said...

Priceless!

An ode to a pen!

Rachel Cotterill said...

Hmm, I'm not so good at writing with a pen!!

Charles Gramlich said...

Dude, I've got that same pen. I haven't noticed it helping a lot though, with anything.

Cloudia said...

LOL!


Bravo





Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

Rocketstar said...

Nice.

Do you actually write your books free hand and not on a computer?

Lana Gramlich said...

What if I've been writing for 4 hours or more? ;)

DrillerAA09 said...

Even the shape of the pen is interesting....well, to some.
Great post.

Melanie Avila said...

LOLOLOLOL!

Jenn Jilks said...

You nutbar!!!! That was rather creative. I am so consumed with moving, I've been in non-fiction mode.

Cheers! Sounds like you've been having fun fishing. Good for you. Good family memories. We anticipate the kids for a couple of week in August, for the last time here! Bitter sweet!

David Cranmer said...

I haven't written a story with a pen in years. Hm.. that could explain my problem.

Amy Holder said...

Haha! Clever post! They need to start making fancy keyboards next.

Thanks for the laugh. :)

Dawn said...

That. Cracked. Me. Up!

Junosmom said...

Do they have a female version of this pen?

Terri Tiffany said...

LOL I agree with teh others- you are one creative guy!!

slommler said...

Loved this post and the pen!! Gotta get me one of those! Ha!
Congrats on your POTW!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Pauline said...

you certainly deserved POTW mention! and you should be writing advertising copy - this was very clever.

Hilary said...

OMG, you had me rolling on the floor.....this was great.......YOU deserved that POTW. For real.

Cricket said...

Heh, heh. Glad it wasn't a fountain pen. That could get messy. Belated congratulations on a well-deserved potw.