Tuesday, November 23, 2010

 This is an old post and an even older news story, but I am busy wrapping up my seduce Chelsea Handler campaign so you get it again anyway. For the record Chelsea did finally answer one of my tweets. It read and I quote ...

 "@TravisErwin I've succumbed."

Nut Very Smart

Do you read FailBlog.org? If not you should. It is hilarious. Until now I've resisted the urge to copy and past things from failblog to share with y'all but this one begs to be commented upon.

Where o' where shall I start?

Maybe with his decision to skinny dip in big blue. Mario. Dude. Have you never seen all the stuff that lives in the ocean?

Crabs and lobsters with big claws just made for grabbing a hold of your junk.

Eels, jellyfish, and sting rays are lurking below the surface all too eager to zap Mr. Squid. Haven't you ever heard of the Crocodile Hunter?

Sharks, barracudas, and a myriad of other toothy fish are swimming about and everyone of them would like a worm to snack on.

Yep, Mario swimming in the ocean while freeing willie was mistake number one. Oh, but you weren't punished for it, so you hop out of the chilly water and despite being the victim of shrinkage you don't feel the need to don clothes. I'll applaud you for the self-confidence as most dudes prefer to only be seen at their best, but Mario wasn't content to simply let little Luigi go about pale and shriveled. No he decided to camp out on a slatted deckchair. In the warm sun.

Now I've had a few nasty sunburns in my day so no way am I going to dangle my bits about and risk becoming the subject for a new version of chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Not to mention the long term chance of skin cancer. A bit of melanoma on the ol' Manitoba would not be a pretty sight.

And then he dozed off. I know lots of people sleep in the nude, but doing it in the safety and confines of your own bedroom is one thing. Hanging it all out at the beach while you are unconscious is another. Ants, bees, biting flies, stray dogs, kids with a Frisbee, the list of hazards are endless. As Mario's fate proves it's simply not healthy to let things roll around unattended.

And man oh man would I have hated to be on that maintenance crew who had to come saw the chair in half. I'm pretty sure that was not in their official job description. And poor, poor Mario. No one since Bill Buckner, has done as poor a ball handling job, but I do feel a bit of sympathy for Mario. Any man with a set of his own would have to. Having your guys hanging about in the presence of a whirling saw blade is far from a situation any man wants to find himself in.


Old Kitty said...

YAY!!! You did it!! You got Ms Chelsea to succumb!! Oh my!! Wow!! Oh well done!!! You are so not in the same league as poor Mr Visnjic!!!

Nothing ontoward was caught painfully betwixt deck chair slats!

WELL DONE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now turn on that Texan charm and go and seduce!!!
Take care

Theresa Milstein said...

That is crazy. Why ruin a perfectly good chair? Why not for the man to sit in the water in the chair until his testicles shrink and - voila - slip right the slats.

sybil law said...

I remember that story! Ha! (I can laugh because I'm female.)

Congrats on Chelsea!

Becky Taylor said...

I'm new here so I missed this first time around.

I'm not even a guy and this makes my skin crawl.

Congrats on Chelsea.

Melanie Hooyenga said...


Also, there's a groupon for a HUGE cheeseburger at the bottom of this post. :)

Cloudia said...



Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral



Laurel said...

Oh, noes. A cautionary tale if ever there was one.

Phats said...

hahahaha chelsea responded that's awesome I hope you're in one of her opening monologues so I can say I know him!

I read Fail Blog some great stuff on there for sure.

Hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving :) I am guessing you're dining on a HUGE salad?

the walking man said...

Just remember his name isn't Chewey for nothing.

DrillerAA09 said...

Maybe, if he had been Super Mario, nothing would have slipped through the cracks.
You know you're not the newspaper's "Ace" reporter, when your boss calls you in and says, "Hey there's a nude guy down at the beach with his nuts stuck in a chair. Go cover that story.

Eric said...

Woohoooo, you did it Travis. If nothing else, you got her to stand up and pay attention :) Here's hoping it gets you even further along your path towards publication.

As for the story, thanks for the laugh. I don't have much sympathy for the guy considering the circumstances and his poor choices, but it was funny nonetheless.

WordVixen said...

Woot! At minimum, you know that you at least got to entertain an entertainer, and that's pretty durn cool!

angel, jr. said...

Love Chelsea!! Watch her show all the time. I'm going to get around to reading her books. Right now up to my armpits with a really really really really long book.. Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke.
Happy Thanksgiving!

jjdebenedictis said...

In baggy shorts, this could happen too, right?

Speedos: They're not just for scaring children anymore. They're for nutsack protection.

Lana Gramlich said...

I love the Fail Blog. :)