Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Weather Up Here

In the comments of my lat post, the esteemed bearded one, the ever lyrical and poetic Walking Man, Mr. Mark Durfree suggested I follow up with a list of reason why it is good to be tall. Here they are.

10) Even in a crowd I can see what is going on. 

9) When the bullshit gets deep not much more than my ankles get sullied.

8) My height combined with ample girth and breadth of shoulders tends to dissuade aggression from others. 

My favorite story here involves a NASCAR race. A number of years ago my cousins husband and I headed down to Ft Worth to catch a race. Traffic after the even was horrible and we ended up behind a carload of young guys in their early twenties. I was in my late twenties at the time. When I say stuck in traffic I mean moving less than 500 feet in 3 hours time as 180,000 people tried to exit at once. The guys in the car took offense to me being so close to their back bumper despite the fact there was a two mile long line of vehicles doing the same thing.

These guys get kept out to retrieve beer from the truck and each time they did so they'd make gestures I needed to back deposit the fact I had maybe 6 inches of room behind me. On his third trip or so for beer this one fella starts creaming at me to  ... "BACK THE FUCK UP!"

I smiled and waved.

He shook his head with disgust and got back in.

Ten minutes later he was back, jabbing a finger at me through the drivers window screaming obscenities.

I rolled down my window  and told him to go sit his drunk ass down at which point he says, "Why don't you get your happy ass out of the car and tell me that."

My cousin's husband urged to stay put. he said I bet he has a knife or something, but I was tired hungry and fed up so I hopped out.

Mr. Beer Fetcher's nose lined up even with my chest when I stood. His eyes widened and he immediately started apologizing stating how they needed to fix this traffic situation so the crowd could disperse quicker and no one would get frustrated trying tog et out. I never said a word as he backed all the way to his car and slid inside. For the next hour no one from their vehicle got out for any more beer.

7) Everything is supposed to be bigger in Texas. And given that I am named for one of the fallen heroes of The Alamo it simply would be going against nature if I was five foot seven.

6) Big and hairy beats little and hairy. I'd rather be described as a grizzly bear than cousin Itt any day.

5) Trout fishing is easier when you are standing in rushing water that comes only to your knees as opposed to your waist.

4) I can change every light bulb in my house without first finding a step stool.

3) Nicknames. Being called Sasquatch, Big Country, and Big T is better than say Hobbit, Little Village or Tiny T.

2) People remember me. I dare say the phrase "You know the big hairy women's fiction writer with the Texas twang," does not create a long list of images for fold to differentiate from.

1) Tall, Dark and Handsome Hell, I'm not greedy, I'm perfectly happy to be two of the three.


Debra She Who Seeks said...

Great list! Loved the NASCAR story.

Old Kitty said...

I'm cousin It's Hobbit friend!!! I'm all hair and not much over 5 ft!!! It's all the vegetables I eat! LOL!!!!!

Oh I love that traffic story!!! Good for you!!!! Take care

Charles Gramlich said...

There are definitely times when it's good to be big. Dealing with drunk assholes is one.

Donna Weaver said...

Oh, Travis. I'm tall and come from a tall family (and have tall sons), so you made me laugh! I especially loved the Grizzly vs Cousin Itt reference.

the walking man said...

Yeas Sir now I need about 6" lifts in my shoes. Got the hairy part now just need a wee bit more than my own 5'11".

Great list especially liked that bullshit in your world only gets ankle deep.

your other wife said...

i think you are all three!!! Tall dark and handsome, give your self some credit.... love ya!!!

not so stone cold father of TX said...

So, at my puny 5'8", I am not living up to my Texas requirements? I guess I will never have the size to live up to my name.

Melanie Hooyenga said...

This post cracked me up!

I love being short for a multitude of reasons, but it would be nice to be able to see what's going on when there's more than ten people around me.

And, my niece and nephew call me a hobbit. :/

Lana Gramlich said...

Take it from a Cousin Itt...Being 3" shy of midgethood really sucks.