Ring My Bell

I'm taking the low road today and talking about junk. I don't mean abandoned cars and nonworking appliances stacked in hillbillies yards, but rather genitalia. Male genitalia to be exact.

You see I read this news article ...

Penis Size Linked to Finger Length - ABC News

and, well frankly, I found it quite disturbing on several levels.

Before I start quoting certain sections let me paraphrase the piece for those who will not click over and read the news piece.

Korean researchers believe the length of a man's ring finger in relation to his index finger is a true indication of his penis length. According to these Koreans, the longer the ring finger in comparison to the index finger = the longer the penis.

And here was the photo that accompanied the article ...

Like every other man that reads this article the first thing I did was hold up my own hand. Now folks, I like to think of my self as a pretty confident sort of fellow. I've never felt the need to drive a Porsche, smoke giant, foul smelling cigars, or become a Day Trader. And yet, I was somewhat unnerved to discover my hand like like this ...

For a few fleeting seconds I thought I was going to have to scrape my pennies together and put a down payment on this ...

 but then I kept reading the article and realized these researchers were not only quacks of some sort, but freaks as well. Here is a quote  ...

The research team, led by urologist Dr. Tae Beom Kim from Gachon University in Incheon, Korea, measured the fingers and penises -- both stretched-out and flaccid -- of 144 men who were anesthetized before undergoing urological surgery. 


Okay, it's peculiar enough for a Doctor to devote so much time to the size of a man's hootus when Cancer, AIDS, and and a slew of other diseases remain uncured. But what kind of person goes around stretching out, and measuring a dude's junk when he's passed out on the surgical table?

Doctor Kim my friend, that is a serious party foul. Bust out the magic marker. Draw a vagina on his chest, shave off one eyebrow with your Bic, stuff tampons in his nostrils and take a picture of Walrus man, but don;t go messing with a dude's wang while he's passed out. I dare say that Doctor Kim was never chosen to be in a fraternity.

Another quote from the article ...

The length of the penis when stretched is believed to correlate to its erect length, the team reported. 

Man-oh-man. I don't even wanna know how they did this research.

And women laugh all you want, but this research didn't leave y'all out. It suggests that the longer your ring finger is in relation to your ring finger then the greater the chance you are a lesbian.

If this theory caught on the world would be full of index finger extensions. Playgirl would feature dimensions of a man's fingers int he centerfold. Dirk enjoys moonlit walks, cuddling, old movies and his turn off include women who smoke. Dirk is a 5-5 1/8th-4.

Matter of fact this theory would bring about the most hand scrutiny since OJ and the gloves.

So let's hear it. How does your ring finger stack up against your ring finger. Are you the next Ron Jeremy? Rosie O'Donnell? Or do you think this study is shakier than Mark Fuhrman's credibility?