Thursday, December 1, 2011

!0 Worst Christmas Songs

December 1st.

Seems like a good time to make a confession.

I despise Christmas music. Now before the shouts of Ebenezer get too loud let me point out it's not the holiday or season I dislike simply the soundtrack. Well, that and the glitter.

In honor of my confession I'm going to rank the 10 Worst (Fairly Well-Known) Christmas Songs. Sure there are even bigger monstrosities out there. Every Christmas song by the Beach Boys, the festive slop mainstream country hurls from Nashville, and those damn screechy Chipmunks but I tried to focus on the ones that radio stations play every hours this month.

10) You Are a Mean One, Mr Grinch - We tell our kids not to be bullies and yet here is this song that does nothing but belittle and ridicule. I dislike green things as much as anyone but where the the holiday cheer in this one?

9) The Twelve Days Of Christmas - True love my ass. better than half the crap on that list is worthless or flat out irritating. and speaking of being irritated the repetitive nature of this song makes it the B-I-N-G-O of yuletide entertainment.

8) All I Want For Christmas Is You - Who wrote
 this? John Hinckley Jr?

7) A Wonderful Christmas Time - Come on Paul McCartney. Quit trying to pretend you are as talented as John Lennon was. Lennon's Happy Christmas had meaning. Your song is a cancerous ear worm that lingers in it's victims longer than fruitcake in the pantry.

6) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - The musical equivalent to George Orwell's novel 1984. And yet another reason to fear Big Brother.

5) Christmas Shoes - Hey let's all gather 'round and sing a song about momma dying. Yeah, That's festive.

4) Santa Baby - Nothing creates that giving spirit like a song glorifying gold diggers.

3) All I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas - This little ditty teaches our kids bad rhymes and promotes unreasonable expectations.

2) I Saw Mamma Kissing Santa - Gotta love a song calling mom out as a two-timing whore.

1) Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer - This song has it all ... alcoholism (grandma staggering around drunk on eggnog), death (grandma), compassion (grandpa already trifling around with cousin Belle), necrophilia (incriminating Clause marks on her back), sacrilege (disparaging SAINT Nick as a blond fool) ... all wrapped up in a horrendously gaudy package.

So tell me what bad holiday song did I miss?


jjdebenedictis said...

All of them.

Face it. If Christmas music were really any good, we'd listen to it all year round. We don't. There's a reason.

Beth said...

Good King Wenceslas - everybody screws up the lyrics...including me...
(Good list!)

Leah J. Utas said...

You totally nailed it on No. 6. How does him seeing you when you're sleeping and knowing when you're awake, help anyone have a good Christmas.

Leah J. Utas said...

I see I missed the question mark at the end. I'm sure Santa knows all about it.

JES said...

Great selections all.

On one of his Christmas albums, John Denver had a little ditty called "Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas." Included the memorable line, "...'cause I don't want to see my momma cry!"

For some reason this never gets played in the malls around now.

The Romo's said...

You forgot Wham! with Last Christmas....nothing better than George Michael singing about his broken heart!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I simply ADORE Christmas music and would listen to it and sing it all year long, if My Rare One didn't threaten not to be held accountable for her actions. But even I have to agree with you about the 12 Days of Xmas -- I hate that frickin' song!

Travis Erwin said...

JJ - I agree!

Beth - I'm not familiar with that one. Maybe if I heard it.

Leah - It really is kind of creepy.

JES - I know that and considered it for the list but thought maybe it was too obscure.

Romo's - I try to avoid all Wham references here on the blog ; )

Debra - It annoys me to no end.

Old Kitty said...

I have never heard nor will I ever want to hear something called " grandmother got ran over by a reindeer" unless it's an ironic and witty satirical observation on the state of capitalism in the 21st century or a social comment on the psychological ramifications of technological progress for the over 65. :-)

Happy Christmas! x

sybil law said...

The Grinch song is awesome!
I HATE Feliz Navidad, though. HATE IT. When I hear it in stores, I get all twitchy and stabby.

Cloudia said...

yeah! I'm with ya Bro. "FALL on yer knees" indeed!

Say, I put something curious & noxious on your FB wall - warning!

SO gotta agree, but...
uncharacteristically for me (who cares?!)
I like the McCartney. . . gonna lissen to it now. .

(Walking Man was ON today, eh?)

Warm Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

> < } } ( ° >


< ° ) } } > <

G said...

I have two very favorite anti-Christmas songs.

One is The Kinks "Father Christmas" and the other is a song that I found at one of my local record stores about 20 years ago called "Here Comes Fatty Clause" by an obscure band called Rudoplh and The Gang on an equally obscurw label called Yuletide Records.

jadedj said...

Oh shit you have opened a festering wound in my brain. I thought I was the only Xmas songs Scrooge on the planet. I have kept this secret for so long. But, your ten is not about, EVERY one ever written?

The problem is, year after year, after year, after...well, you know, they are played ad nauseam...starting in October, in every possible public venue one can be in.

I especially hate the sappy, self-righteous ones...Silent Night...Away in a Manger...Hark, the Herald efing Angels Sing.

If I continue, I am going to have to go do a post of my own.

WordVixen said...

I never minded Must Be Santa much until I heard the Raffi version. Dear God... Now I understand all those anti-Raffi references that, I think, JerseyGirl, used to make about Raffi: Off tune AND off key- all of them, in the same song.

Jolly Old Saint Nicholas isn't bad in small doses, but I've already heard it too many times this year:

Now stop hatin' on the Grinch! I married him, you know!


I love it the first part of Dec, but by Christmas I'm ready to bip someone into a coma..all though I could listen to Tennessee Ernie Ford sing the Little Drummer Boy all year long.

L. T. Host said...

This post is awesome!

You didn't add my personal #1 though: "Last Christmas". You know the one:

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it awaaaaaaay".


It fills me with a seething, acidic rage every time I hear it. And yet, it remains extremely popular this time of year. Why?! WHY?! It's a song about heartbreak! Betrayal! Someone who can't get over being dumped even though it's been a year!

Okay. I think I'm done ranting.


Adam said...

"Feliz Navidad"....that song drives me insane!

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy said...

I am SO with you on this, Travis! Hate Christmas music. HATE it.

Except for ONE song - - it is a version of the "12 Days of Christmas" sung by Bob River's Twisted Christmas is totally hilarious! I suggest you Google it and give it a listen - - :)

March to the Sea said...

Just have to go w/McCartney. That song makes me want to kick a dog.

DrillerAA09 said...

I guess this means you're not stopping by my Christmas Music Marathon. One thing for sure, not one of these songs will be played. Just sayin'.

Melissa Marsh said...

I agree with all of them except for Santa Clause is Coming To Town (but only if Bing Crosby sings it!).

I'm a sucker for old-fashioned, traditional Christmas songs. Anything that was made past 1960 I don't want to hear!

Charles Gramlich said...

I do like Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Travis Erwin said...

Kitty - Somethings are best left unheard.

Sybil - Bet you would like it if Dave sung it.

Cloudia - thanks for serving up the Hawaiian version to now poison my ears.

G - I'll check them out

Jaded - Let me give you an AMEN!

Travis Erwin said...

WordVixen - I avoid Raffi in all forms

YELLOWDOG GRANNY - You are the 1st Tennessee Ernie fan girl I've ever met.

L. T. Host - You are correct. that is horrible as well.

Adam - that's 2 votes for Feliz

Dizzy Ms. Lizzy -- I will check that ditty out. Thanks for the link.

March to the Sea - Me too.

DrillerAA09 - I will stop by.

Melissa Marsh - You are a purist!

Charles Gramlich - I guess lots of people must, but not me.

Phats said...

Oh my gosh I am not sure we can be friends anymore, the hippo song is one of my ALL TIME FAVORITES! Some of those you have on there made me say out loud WHAT?!!? The only one I agree with you on is 12 days of Christmas. You'd think you'd like your theme song Mr Grinch :)

Eric said...

Wow Travis, I've never seen such a brutal list of anti-Christmas sentiment. I can agree with you about some of the songs and/or some of the versions, but wow...just wow...

My own post today spells out how I feel about Christmas music, but I guess I just have a different take on the subject. That's okay. I'll hum Travis Got Run Over By A Reindeer just for you :)