Ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.
Today's top Ten List was inspired by the famed and fabled Erica Orloff. I say inspired and not suggested because Erica wanted me to list the Top Ten Reasons Vegetarians Are Better People Than Meat Eaters. I like to think of myself as a pretty good BS'er but storyteller or not I couldn't possibly spin doctor such an outlandish idea into a list of three, much less ten. So today I give you ...
Ten Things Vegetarians are Better at Than Meat Eaters
10. Pulling off ghostly and ghoulish Halloween costumes. Their pale sallow complexions resulting from a lack of iron in their blood is a plus when you want to appear as if you stopped breathing sometime last week.
9. Committing Economic Terrorism and using manipulative PR to appear as if you are nothing more than a well-organized group of concerned citizens. What? You never heard of PETA?
8. Longer Life Expectancy It is perpetuated that Vegetarians live longer than we meat eaters. I suppose it could be true but do you really want 2 more years of Tapioca pudding and rice pablum or would you rather choke on a fried chicken bone and die happy. Then again this theory might be total BS. Lots of Vegetarians are also joggers. No one ever got ran over by a bus sitting on their deck eating a cheeseburger. I'm just saying.
7. Saving Money I've never bought a bag of carrots or a stalk of celery but I feel certain both are cheaper than a bundle of kielbasa or a package of pork chops. Why I bet a a frugal vegetarian could pinch their pennies and buy themselves a Lexus with the grocery store savings.
6. Hypocrisy The vegetarians inspired by health concerns are one thing. I understand we all have to do what we have to do, but I would like to poke those self-righteous cabbage heads in the eye that proclaim, "I'm not a murderer therefore I do not eat anything with a face." They smugly walk away in their leather Nikes leaving me to look at their skinny ass. Good thing they wear leather belts to hold up their drawers. And as they drive away in that Lexus with leather seats they casually flip me the bird.
5. But They Really Do Love The Innocent Little Animals At least more than we murderous bastards who don't care about the deplorable conditions at the cattle feedyards and chicken farms in this country. That's why they eat only radish's and turnip greens. Yeah, those poor cows and chickens. They are treated so mean and unfair, unlike the migrant farm workers who pick all those crops.
4. Discrediting Darwin and his Fanciful Theories Humans have clawed their way to the top of the food chain, but those rascally herbivores do not not care one iota about their perch. They go right on eating what I like to refer to as food's food.
Go ahead vegetarians, chew your cud like a cow. Ignore that fully functional set of teeth capable of ripping savory rib meat off the bone or chewing a nice tender slice of veal. So what if using your choppers to only chew foliage is like using your penis only to take a leak. Who am I to judge if you wanna miss the fun in life.
3. Speaking of ... teeth Vegetarians are better than meat eaters at looking like a doofus with a huge clump of spinach stuck between their Chiclets. I've never seen a hunk of pot roast dangling from anyone's front teeth. Yeah, a piece might get lodged back in the molar department but at least no one can see that far into the cavernous expanse that we call a mouth.
2. Toying with Children's Emotions Babe, Bambi, Chicken Run. Oh how easy it is to use Hollywood to paint we carnivores as evil doers of injustice. And don't get me started on the whole slew of horror movies that use tomatoes and cucumbers and such to promote God. Just the name Veggie Tales sends a shiver down my "Lettuce is the Devil" believing spine. Why couldn't it me called Meaty Tales, starring Bob the Turkey Leg, Larry the Cornish Game Cock, and Junior Andoille Sausage?
1. Vegetarians Make Better Heart Patients Yeah I know the veganites of the world will tell you we meat eaters have higher cholesterol and are therefore more likely to have heart trouble that may be true. I'm not doctor so I won't try and dispute the claim. But as a former heart patient myself I can tell you all those sticky little EKG pads are troublesome for those of us blessed with follicle enhanced bodies. I cannot imagine vegetarians with ticker issues having the same problems I did post surgery. After all, when was the last time your dad said, "Eat your salad. It will put hair on your chest?"
Tune back in tomorrow when I toss out The Top 10 three word combos I most fear will appear in my obituary.