Friday, October 1, 2010

Ten Things Vegetarians are Better at Than Meat Eaters & It Begins 10 Straight Days of Top 10 Lists

Ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

Today's top Ten List was inspired by the famed and fabled Erica Orloff. I say inspired and not suggested because Erica wanted me to list the Top Ten Reasons Vegetarians Are Better People Than Meat Eaters. I like to think of myself as a pretty good BS'er but storyteller or not I couldn't possibly spin doctor such an outlandish idea into a list of three, much less ten. So today I give you ...


Ten Things Vegetarians are Better at Than Meat Eaters

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10. Pulling off ghostly and ghoulish Halloween costumes. Their pale sallow complexions resulting from a lack of iron in their blood is a plus when you want to appear as if you stopped breathing sometime last week. 


9.  Committing Economic Terrorism and using manipulative PR to appear as if you are nothing more than a well-organized group of concerned citizens. What? You never heard of PETA?


8. Longer Life Expectancy It is perpetuated that Vegetarians live longer than we meat eaters. I suppose it could be true but do you really want 2 more years of Tapioca pudding and rice pablum or would you rather choke on a fried chicken bone and die happy. Then again this theory might be total BS. Lots of Vegetarians are also joggers. No one ever got ran over by a bus sitting on their deck eating a cheeseburger. I'm just saying.


7.  Saving Money I've never bought a bag of carrots or a stalk of celery but I feel certain both are cheaper than a bundle of kielbasa or a package of pork chops. Why I bet a a frugal vegetarian could pinch their pennies and buy themselves a Lexus with the grocery store savings.


 6. Hypocrisy The vegetarians inspired by health concerns are one thing. I understand we all have to do what we have to do, but I would like to poke those self-righteous cabbage heads in the eye that proclaim, "I'm not a murderer therefore I do not eat anything with a face."  They smugly walk away in their leather Nikes leaving me to look at their skinny ass. Good thing they wear leather belts to hold up their drawers. And as they drive away in that Lexus with leather seats they casually flip me the bird.


5. But They Really Do Love The Innocent Little Animals At least more than we murderous bastards who don't care about the deplorable conditions at the cattle feedyards and chicken farms in this country. That's why they eat only radish's and turnip greens. Yeah, those poor cows and chickens. They are treated so mean and unfair, unlike the migrant farm workers who pick all those crops. 


4. Discrediting Darwin and his Fanciful Theories Humans have clawed their way to the top of the food chain, but those rascally herbivores do not not care one iota about their perch. They go right on eating what I like to refer to as food's food. 


Go ahead vegetarians, chew your cud like a cow. Ignore that fully functional set of teeth capable of ripping savory rib meat off the bone or chewing a nice tender slice of veal. So what if using your choppers to only chew foliage is like using your penis only to take a leak. Who am I to judge if you wanna miss the fun in life.


3. Speaking of ... teeth  Vegetarians are better than meat eaters at looking like a doofus with a huge clump of spinach stuck between their Chiclets. I've never seen a hunk of pot roast dangling from anyone's front teeth. Yeah, a piece might get lodged back in the molar department but at least no one can see that far into the cavernous expanse that we call a mouth.


2. Toying with Children's Emotions Babe, Bambi, Chicken Run. Oh how easy it is to use Hollywood to paint we carnivores as evil doers of injustice. And don't get me started on the whole slew of horror movies that use tomatoes and cucumbers and such to promote God. Just the name Veggie Tales sends a shiver down my "Lettuce is the Devil" believing spine. Why couldn't it me called Meaty Tales, starring Bob the Turkey Leg, Larry the Cornish Game Cock, and Junior Andoille Sausage? 


1. Vegetarians Make Better Heart Patients Yeah I know the veganites of the world will tell you we meat eaters have higher cholesterol and are therefore more likely to have heart trouble that may be true. I'm not doctor so I won't try and dispute the claim. But as a former heart patient myself I can tell you all those sticky little EKG pads are troublesome for those of us blessed with follicle enhanced bodies. I cannot imagine vegetarians with ticker issues having the same problems I did post surgery. After all, when was the last time your dad said, "Eat your salad. It will put hair on your chest?"


Tune back in tomorrow when I toss out The Top 10 three word combos I most fear will appear in my obituary. 

18 comments:

the walking man said...

1b) Vegetarian farts can clear a room faster than a maniac yelling fire in a crowded movie theater.

A. K. said...

Now am hungry! Who want to go to KFC?

Leah J. Utas said...

I could use a steak.
Great list.

Old Kitty said...

Ok, I give! Here, have my melons.

Now may we have nice Travis back please? :-) Thank you.

Take care
x

Debra She Who Seeks said...

A paen of liberty for all carnivores! *sniffle* Brings a tear to my eye . . . .

Charles Gramlich said...

One point I'll make. Carnivores have bigger brains relative to their bodies than herbivores. Nuff said.

Eric said...

"Food's food"

Absolutely hilarious, and true. This is awesome, Travis. Thanks for the laughs.

Y'know, you ever think about writing a book on the "virtues" of vegetarians? It'd sell like hotcakes.

Jenn Jilks said...

Ah, me, you are a funny man. Thanks for visiting me in my new cottage country home!

AvDB said...

I choose death by chicken bone. But, I also choose a side salad.

Omnivores use ALL their teeth.

sybil law said...

I loves me some steak.

Erica Orloff said...

Travis:
LOL!!!!! I didn't think you could POSSIBLY spin my suggestion into a top-ten list. David Letterman needs you on staff.

But really? Back away from the meat, man.

;-)

savannah said...

oh yeah, sugar! this was good stuff! *savoring the taste of leftover pancetta & pasta i had for lunch* xoxoxoxox

Reb said...

#7 the odds are the difference up here, I'd rather spend my money on a steak any day though :)

Steve Malley said...

Am I the only one who had a dirt little snicker at "Meaty Tales"? ;-p

jerseygirl89 said...

I really want some bacon now. On a cheeseburger.

alex keto said...

as Redd Foxx once said,
"All those health nuts are going to feel real stupid lying in the hospital dying of nothing."

Posey said...

OMG that picture! LOL

Dawn said...

My dad raises cattle. We eat beef. We don't raise pigs, chickens, or much of a garden. So. We eat beef. but you really ought to watch veggie tales sometime. They are awesomely clever!