The Top 10 Statements to Scare Off A Literary Agent

Day 7 ... of ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

Today's list is for my fellow writers. Only they will get some of these.


The Top 10 Statements to Scare Off A Literary Agent

10.  "Only a complete idiot would reject a book as brilliant as mine." 

9.  "I'm almost finished writing what my mom says is the best fiction novel she's ever read. Can I send it to you tomorrow after I finish the last three chapters tonight?"

8. "I got four words for you ... Avatar meets The Shack." 

 

7. "I could send you my complete MS but it would be easier for everyone involved if you just went to my website and read it since I've already posted the whole thing there." 

6.  "I've read nearly ever book published by your clients, and let me tell you, my novel is way better than any of that crap." 

   

5. "My book is a bitchin' story about a boy wizard with sparkly skin who unravels a secret biblical code  which in turn help him to overcome his inner demons and discover true love despite the fact he was born with one leg."  

4. "I'm looking for an agent that can drum up some New York excitement for the 6 novels and 1 woe-is-me memoir I originally published with iUniverse and Publish America."

 

3. "Tell any interested editors that I want only the symbol ~, to appear on the book where the name normally goes. If they have a huge problem with that tell them I'll allow in parenthesis (The writer formerly knows as ...) But only in exchange for full approval rights of the cover. "

 

2."I was gonna hand deliver my manuscript to your door last night, but you looked so tired after you got out of the shower. Then when you sat down and had that salad your skin seemed rather pale. Maybe that was the glare from the glass or it could be that my favorite blogger is right and lettuce really is the devil. anyway I decided to go ahead and send you this email."

  

1."And that's when the aliens finally show up to wreak havoc."
   

Top 10 Weird, Strange, and Unexpected Things You Could Find In your Mail Box

Day 6 ... of ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.



I have encountered some strange things in the mail stream during my 18 year career at the old post office. Today I am going to share a few.

The Top 10 Weird, Strange, and Unexpected Things You Could Find In your Mail Box.

10. Anthrax - I'm breaking form and getting serious for a moment. No I have never actually encountered anthrax myself but in September of 2001, just after 9/11 two postal workers at the Brentwood mail facility in Washington, D.C lost their lives after being exposed to the spores.

9. Fruit - I do not mean boxes containing fruit I mean fruit with a stamp and address plastered on it and mailed. coconuts, pineapples, and bananas.

8.  Bugs - Ladybugs, crickets and bees are the most prevalent. I am not sure what they ladybugs are packed in but let me tell you they stink something fierce. In case you are wondering the ladybugs are ordered by farmers as they eat crop damaging aphids. The crickets I assume are food for other critters and I guess the bees are used in honey production. Honey Productions. Sounds like the name of a porn film company.

7. Stool Samples - This one may not shock you  heck maybe you've even took a dump on a card and mailed it yourself. But think of we postal workers on the other end. One or two such cards would not be bad but when you collect a whole tray full it weighs heavy on your mind that you now have a box full of human shit on your hands.

6. Prison Art - I am constantly amazed at the talent of those behind bars. They artfully decorate the envelopes and when a bath of prison mail comes through I try and check out the envelopes. I like it when they draw a stamp on instead of actually purchasing one. No, they do not get away with it as our machines look for and detect the phosphorous in the stamp.
5. Critters - Snakes, game cocks, baby chicks. Nothing says fun like a bunch of skittish Postal Employees when a box full of baby snakes comes open.
4. Severed Dog Head - Back in the day i worked something called the 110 belt. It was where sacks of mail containing parcels was dumped for hand cancellation and initial sortation. Not sure if it is still the case but back then in order for an animal to be tested for rabies the severed head had to be sent to a lab. We got several of these through the mail but only once did i pick up a box only to have the bottom fall out. Staring down at the dog head I had only one thought ,  heads are gonna roll around here if any one sees this.

3. Severed Finger - Okay, so no one mailed said finger. It actually belonged to a coworker. An old man who should have retired a full decade before he "cut" his finger making dispatch. only after the mail had been load on the truck and sent off did he realize his cut was not merely a cut. The entire tip of his pinkie was missing. The whole joint stopped what we were doing to search for the digit, but to no avail. It was finally decided upon that he had sent his finger on with the mail.

2. Grandpa Charlie -  Yes, you can mail ashes via the US Postal Service. In case you were wondering. The remains must go as registered mail.

1. Bloody Tampon - Yep it showed up right there on the 110 belt out of a tray gathered from the main collection box. Now I get the fact some people do not like the postal service. they blame us for bills, junk mail, and log lines at the counter. and i understand that a woman's emotions are taking a roller coaster ride at that time of the month, but really is it necessary to take the thing out of you and stuff it in the nearest mailbox? That is one package that needs to be marked RETURN TO SENDER.

Top 10 Signs You Are New to Texas ... and Trying Too Hard To Fit In

 DAY 5 of ... Ten straight days of Top 10 lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010.  Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.


Top 10 Signs You Are New to Texas ... and Trying Too Hard To Fit In

10. You move to the Lone Star State and promptly purchase a 3 acre plot of land ... you have the gall to name the joint and describe it as a ranch.


9. You listen to nothing but country music ... Nashville country.


8. You drink only Texas brewed beer ... That beer is Lone Star and not Shiner Bock.

7.  You head down to your favorite bar and grill and order a basket of calf fries ... but lose your appetite when you realize potatoes are not even an ingredient.


6. You buy yourself a pair of cowboy boots and a fancy western belt buckle ... the toe of the boots are so pointed you can kill a cockroach hiding in the corner of the room and the buckle is bigger than your wife's serving platter.


5. You know all the lyrics to all the songs of your 3 favorite Texas born singing legends ... Those legends are named Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, and Jessica Simpson and not ZZ Top, Willie, Joplin, or Buddy Holly.


4. You hit a gun show and buy yourself a militia's worth of firepower ... The ATF out of Waco gets wind of your purchases and pays you a visit.


3. You buy the state's favorite football team ... but immediately fire the NFL squad's legendary fedora clad coach and replace him with a swaggering braggart, whose sideline prowess and draft room success overshadows you so you run him off and bring in a total doofus from Norman, Oklahoma. When your team continues to slide into mediocrity you run through a handful of coaches and finally decide to way to success is to build a monstrosity of a stadium. You try to convince the world that your team will make the Super Bowl simply because the game is going to be played in your mega facility. It doesn't work. No one forgets you are from Arkansas.

2. Someone offers you a Dublin Dr Pepper .. but you turn them down because you are ticked since you've always thought Dr Pepper was invented in Texas, not Ireland.

1. You drive a pickup truck ... said pickup is hornier than you are.

Today's topic was suggest by B Nagel. His blog can be found here. Do me a favor, stop by his place and tell him Travis sent you.

Top 10 Signs You Have Partook In One Adult Beverage Too Many

DAY 4 of ... Ten straight days of Top 10 lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010.  Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

Top 10 Signs You Have Partook In One Adult Beverage Too Many

10. Line dancing begins to seem fun and not simply an excuse for ugly people to dance sans a partner without embarrassment.


9. You begin to wonder if Bed Bath & Beyond sells those jello shot utility belts.

8. You are convinced the olive floating in your glass just winked at you.


7. You head up to the DJ booth to request some Right Said Fred and then prove the integrity of the lyrics by removing your shirt and dancing on the table. And while you may be sexy dare I say so sexy it hurts. At least it will when you fall of that table.



6. After getting kicked out of the bar you find yourself trying to explain yourself to the nice man wearing the badge. "No Mr. Olice Pofficer I did not create a scene. I was just trying to have a little fun. Perhaps I was a bit too sexy for them to handle."

5. You use your one phone call to let your ex know you are a  television star and will soon be making your screen debut on an episode of Cops.

4. Laying down, you dangle your foot off the cot in the corner of the cell and while the maneuver does make the cinderblock walls stop spinning, the same cannot be said of the contents in your gut.

3. Somewhere behind you you hear a voice say, "Here sweetie let me hold your hair back for you." It sounds kind of like Lindsay Lohan but you're too sick to turn around and check.

2. Staring into the toilet you say , "Wow! I don't remember eating that."

1. Someone whispers in your ear, "I'll show you my shank, if you show me yours.,"and you're not sure if it's a threat, or a pickup line.

Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With #3 of the Ten for 10/10/10

Ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010.  Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

Okay this is actually a repeat of a post I did back in 2007 but it is one of my faves and this seemed like a good time to toss it back out there.

Ten Literary Characters I Would Totally Make Out With If I Were Single and They Were Real But I’m Not, Single I Mean, I Am Real, But I’m Also Happily Married and Want to Stay That Way So Maybe We Should Forget This..."

I agree, but I'm going to add a few things. In order for me to hook up with any of these fictional creation I too would have to be fictionalized and inserted into the novels in which they appeared, so a couple of my choices had to do as much with my desire to be in a certain book as it does with their sex appeal. And since I am a one woman kind of guy in real life I have to believe my fictional self would be as well. So, I am going to list nine runner-ups,(why they made the list and why they missed being at the top of my list) and one winner as the premiere object of my fictional affection. In reverse, David Letterman style ...

10. Stephanie Plum from the Stephanie Plum Novels by Janet Evanovich -- First off she has that whole Jersey Girl mystique about her. There have been songs, books, and movies about Jersey Girls and the closest I've ever come to meeting a Jersey Girl is a couple of Literary Agents at various writing conferences. Oh, and Jennifer, but I only know her via the blog world. Stephanie Plum has that aura of excitement and danger about her that would be fun for a while but in the end I do not think a good ol' boy from the Texas Panhandle and a gal from the Burg would have enough in common. Besides, too much stuff gets burned to the ground around here and I like my meager possessions in their current un-ashed stated. (Even more so since my home burnt to the ground after I originally wrote this)

9. Victoria Roubideaux from Plainsong and Eventide by Kent Haruf -- From the last meme you know how I feel about these books so I'd love to be written into them. Plus I feel sorry for Victoria she could use a good guy in her life, but since pity isn't the best aphrodisiac she fails to make the cut.

8. Daisy Buchanon from The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald -- I mean her allure can not be questioned. Look at the lengths to which Gatsby went to pursue her. But then again, wanting something at any cost is always dangerous so would I really want to get mixed up with her. I do think it is a shame that we've had to endure bell bottoms twice but that whole 20's flapper look has never came back in style.

7. Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling -- No I'm not a pedophile, but there was nothing in the rules of this meme that says I couldn't be written in as a teenage fictional character. Hermione is smart, loyal, brave, and cunning, but maybe a bit too bossy as well. Besides, she couldn't be all that hot. Harry spent all those weeks alone in that tent with her in the last book and not once did he make a move. And don't tell me that was out of friendship to Ron. First off Harry was mad at his friend and secondly I know full well what is at the forefront of all seventeen year old boy's minds.

6. Sophie Dempsey from Welcome To Temptation by Jennifer Crusie -- First off let me say I just want to be in a sex scene written by Ms. Crusie cause I'm afraid to admit it, but in the real world I'm not nearly as limber and flexible as her characters tend to be. Sophie sticks out in my mind as the most memorable character from a Crusie novel, but she's got a bit of conman in her as well, and she could whoop me in pool so again she doesn't quite make it to the top of the list. Her sister was hot too although I can't remember her name off the top of my head.

5. Juliet Capulet from Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare -- Okay I know it was a play and not a novel, but isn't this the love by which all others are judged? Course I don't want even my fictional self to die so this one would need an alternate ending before I was willing to take part. And wouldn't it be interesting to see how Shakespeare would have handled my Texas drawl. Of course he did use yonder. But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

And how about this ... "Oh Travis, Travis! Where are ya Travis? Forget your pa and forget your family name! Or at least swear you love me."

Okay, so it doesn't have the same ring as ... "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?Deny thy father and refuse thy name!Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love."

4. Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell -- Come on what fan of fiction wouldn't want o be written into GWTW

3. Star Wood Leigh from Star by Pamela Anderson -- Okay I haven't even read this book. But I do know it is a thinly veiled biography of Pamela Anderson's life, and therefore the character has to look like her. Yes, I'll admit it, I kind of have a thing for Pamela Anderson, even after she dissed Kid Rock who I am a big fan of. Hey, we all got to have fantasies, but since that is all this is, number four is as high as I could go.

2. Lady Brett Ashly from The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway -- Hemingway introduces her this way ... Brett was damn good-looking. If Hemingway says it, I believe it. She left a wake of men in her trail. Heck she even had impotent men lusting after her. Now that is sex appeal. But to make the top of my list a woman has to be compassionate and capable of returning my affection. Lady Brett comes up short in those departments.

And the winner is ...

1. Nymphadora Tonks from the Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling -- This gal has it all. First off the name Nymphadora practically has the word nympho right in it. Add in the fact Tonks has the ability to change her appearance on a whim. Blond one day, a redhead the next. I small petite nose or a big honking pig snout. Whatever floats your boat she can be it. Besides the physical side she's smart, tough, funny and an evil-fighting Auror. What more could a man ask for? And ... in book seven she married a werewolf -- which means she likes hairy guys. Yes siree ... Nymphadora Tonks is my choice as the fictional character I'd most want to go out and howl at the moon with.

Three Word Combos I Most Fear Will Appear In My Obituary Day 2 of Ten for 10/10./10

Ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

The Top 10 Three Word Combos I Most Fear Will Appear In My Obituary 

10. Rick Perry Henchmen

9. Winner Darwin Award
8. When Smoke Cleared

7. Horny Grizzly Bear

6. Angry Mob PETA

5. Meat Allergy Starvation

4. Trove Unpublished Novels 

3. Iceburg Romaine Arugula
2. Pitchfork, Brimstone, Devil 

1. Lifetime Motto Correct 

In case any of you are new to this blog I should explain my personal motto and one I repeat often is "Lettuce is the Devil." 

Today is my wife's birthday. I'll have wished her a happy one long before she reads this but for the record ... Happy Birthday Jennifer!




Kudos to my new Facebook buddy Adam Schwab for recommending today's subject matter.

Ten Things Vegetarians are Better at Than Meat Eaters & It Begins 10 Straight Days of Top 10 Lists

Ten straight days of Top Ten lists in anticipation of the arrival of October 10th, 2010. Why do I care so much about 10/10/10? Hell if I know, but a guy's gotta blog about something right. Feel free to join in any or all of the days with your own lists or expand on any of mine.

Today's top Ten List was inspired by the famed and fabled Erica Orloff. I say inspired and not suggested because Erica wanted me to list the Top Ten Reasons Vegetarians Are Better People Than Meat Eaters. I like to think of myself as a pretty good BS'er but storyteller or not I couldn't possibly spin doctor such an outlandish idea into a list of three, much less ten. So today I give you ...


Ten Things Vegetarians are Better at Than Meat Eaters

**************************

10. Pulling off ghostly and ghoulish Halloween costumes. Their pale sallow complexions resulting from a lack of iron in their blood is a plus when you want to appear as if you stopped breathing sometime last week. 


9.  Committing Economic Terrorism and using manipulative PR to appear as if you are nothing more than a well-organized group of concerned citizens. What? You never heard of PETA?


8. Longer Life Expectancy It is perpetuated that Vegetarians live longer than we meat eaters. I suppose it could be true but do you really want 2 more years of Tapioca pudding and rice pablum or would you rather choke on a fried chicken bone and die happy. Then again this theory might be total BS. Lots of Vegetarians are also joggers. No one ever got ran over by a bus sitting on their deck eating a cheeseburger. I'm just saying.


7.  Saving Money I've never bought a bag of carrots or a stalk of celery but I feel certain both are cheaper than a bundle of kielbasa or a package of pork chops. Why I bet a a frugal vegetarian could pinch their pennies and buy themselves a Lexus with the grocery store savings.


 6. Hypocrisy The vegetarians inspired by health concerns are one thing. I understand we all have to do what we have to do, but I would like to poke those self-righteous cabbage heads in the eye that proclaim, "I'm not a murderer therefore I do not eat anything with a face."  They smugly walk away in their leather Nikes leaving me to look at their skinny ass. Good thing they wear leather belts to hold up their drawers. And as they drive away in that Lexus with leather seats they casually flip me the bird.


5. But They Really Do Love The Innocent Little Animals At least more than we murderous bastards who don't care about the deplorable conditions at the cattle feedyards and chicken farms in this country. That's why they eat only radish's and turnip greens. Yeah, those poor cows and chickens. They are treated so mean and unfair, unlike the migrant farm workers who pick all those crops. 

4. Discrediting Darwin and his Fanciful Theories Humans have clawed their way to the top of the food chain, but those rascally herbivores do not not care one iota about their perch. They go right on eating what I like to refer to as food's food. 

Go ahead vegetarians, chew your cud like a cow. Ignore that fully functional set of teeth capable of ripping savory rib meat off the bone or chewing a nice tender slice of veal. So what if using your choppers to only chew foliage is like using your penis only to take a leak. Who am I to judge if you wanna miss the fun in life.


3. Speaking of ... teeth  Vegetarians are better than meat eaters at looking like a doofus with a huge clump of spinach stuck between their Chiclets. I've never seen a hunk of pot roast dangling from anyone's front teeth. Yeah, a piece might get lodged back in the molar department but at least no one can see that far into the cavernous expanse that we call a mouth.


2. Toying with Children's Emotions Babe, Bambi, Chicken Run. Oh how easy it is to use Hollywood to paint we carnivores as evil doers of injustice. And don't get me started on the whole slew of horror movies that use tomatoes and cucumbers and such to promote God. Just the name Veggie Tales sends a shiver down my "Lettuce is the Devil" believing spine. Why couldn't it me called Meaty Tales, starring Bob the Turkey Leg, Larry the Cornish Game Cock, and Junior Andoille Sausage? 


1. Vegetarians Make Better Heart Patients Yeah I know the veganites of the world will tell you we meat eaters have higher cholesterol and are therefore more likely to have heart trouble that may be true. I'm not doctor so I won't try and dispute the claim. But as a former heart patient myself I can tell you all those sticky little EKG pads are troublesome for those of us blessed with follicle enhanced bodies. I cannot imagine vegetarians with ticker issues having the same problems I did post surgery. After all, when was the last time your dad said, "Eat your salad. It will put hair on your chest?"


Tune back in tomorrow when I toss out The Top 10 three word combos I most fear will appear in my obituary.