Saturday, May 12, 2007

Flying Sasquatch Airlines

I've been making a lot of airplane reservations lately. I fly to Houston the first week in June, my wife and kids hit the skies a week later to visit relatives near St Louis, we've begun planning our tenth anniversary in October in which we'll jet off to Vegas. Now it is time for me to confess. I hate to fly. Actually that's not true. It's airports and other travelers that I despise. The flying and getting there quick are the only good things about the whole ordeal. I've told you all of that, just so I can tell you the following story about the time I swore of flying forever. Of course like most of my resolutions it didn't last, but for better than five years I kept my pledge and this is why.

In April of 1998 my wife and I were headed to Florida. We'd been married for six months and this trip was supposed to be a sort of honeymoon Version 2.o since we hadn't had a lot of money to spend on the first one. We planned to hit Disney World and visit her best friend from high school who resided in Stuart, Florida at the time.

We drove to Oklahoma City and flew out of there since the flight was half of what it would be direct from Amarillo, but of course we had a long layover in St. Louis.

That afternoon we were finally boarding the plane for the final leg of our journey when the pilot got on the intercom and told everybody to get seated ASAP because a storm is coming in and we might be able to beat it and leave before the bad weather hit. Everybody scrambled to stow away their carry-ons and find a seat. Southwest does not have assigned seating like most other airlines. No sooner did I buckle my seat belt when the stewardess appeared and asked if I would mind relocating to the emergency exit row because FAA rules said a capable adult had to occupy those seats. Being the nice guy I am me and my wife got up and moved. Whoever said no good deed ever goes unpunished must have been on an earlier flight.

Back then Southwest still had the planes where the emergency row seats faced each other. I sat next to the window, my wife was to the right of me and beside her sat a nice looking guy in a dark suit. Then they sat the people in front of us. He looked a lot like this.

Except hairier. Clad in a stained muscles shirt that only a barber could have removed from his body because the cloth the hair on his shoulders had seemingly grown over the fabric, a pair of Bermuda shorts, and a pair of flip-slops this guy sits directly in front of me and commences talking. About absolutely nothing.

The plane taxied out on the runway and then the storm moved in. To escape conversation with George "The Animal" Steele's long lost brother I lifted a magazine high in front of my face, but this guy was not to be deterred. He kept right on talking as if I was still listening. His wife, no beauty queen herself but a regular debutante next to him, subtly tried to rein him in. Again he was not to be stopped. We sat on the tarmac for almost two hours while the plane rocked at the wind gusts, Rain slashed the fuselage, and hail beat down. How did I fill the time?

Glad you asked. By listening to this jackass. But what about your magazine? Oh, he put an end to that by reaching across and tugging down the pages so I could see him talking. He must have asked me a thousand times to guess what he did for a living. I ignore him as long as possible, but finally, I relented to his incessant badgering and the constant tugs on my magazine. "What? What do you do for a living?"

"Absolutely nothing."

Okay, I didn't know how to respond to that so I went back to reading. Only to be interrupted again. "My wife here is a nurse so I don't really need to make any money. We do all right just on her salary, but I do sort of have a job. I win stuff. Off the radio. I got me half a dozen phone lines and a bunch of radios set up. All I do is call up and win. Won this trip we're on as a matter of fact."

"That's good," I responded. I forgot to mention the fact that this guy has been sitting with his legs crossed and his nasty green fungus infected big toe dangling right before my eyes for over an hour as the storm raged outside.

Next he went into his Bubba Gump spiel of everything he'd ever won. 584 large pizzas, 279 movie passes, dozens of massages, ticket to Cardinals, Rams, Blue's games, dog grooming, flowers, lawn service, and a whole bunch of other crap I didn't care to hear about. Oh, and a brand new Firebird but he didn't have the money for insurance so he had to sell the car. About thirty minutes into his, Things I've won speech he ran out of material. But that didn't stop him for long. next her focused on the weather.

"See those clouds out yonder. They are cumulus clouds and ... blah, blah blah." I tuned out most of what Sasquatch said, but at this point the man to my wife's right chimed in and said, "No they're not."

The beast looked surprised to hear from an new person, but he quickly seized on the opportunity. "Sure they are, you can tell be the ...."

No you're wrong," insisted the suit wearer. For the next fifteen minutes the man politely argued with Mr. Hairy Know-It-All. Finally, Sasquatch's bride looked at the guy in the suit and said, "Hey, aren't you the weatherman on channel seven?"

"Yes I am," replied Suitman.

Now did the beast stop arguing or realize he was a fool for arguing about clouds with an actual meteorologist? Nope. Not a chance.

The rest of the flight was just as bad. we ended up arguing over the names of the towns below us until we finally arrived in Orlando some four hours later than scheduled. then, four or five days later while walking amid a throng of people in the United Kingdom section of Epcot who do you think I spotted headed my direction? You guessed it, so I quickly pulled my wife into a shop selling authentic and expensive English tea sets. My wife asked in a strange voice "Why did we come in here?"

I pointed out the window and said, " To avoid that guy." Just as Sasquatch walked by still clad in that same muscle shirt. As I watched the thick dark rug of his shoulders passed by I swore right then and there, that after our flight home, I'd never sail the skies again. Some resolutions are bound to be broke, but I'm sure thankful Southwest did away with those facing seats.


Cicily Janus said...

Thanks for the laugh.

Crabby McSlacker said...

Oh lord, what a nightmare--though it does make a great story. I can see why you'd never want to fly again.

I hate everything about flying. I'm always sure the plane is going to crash, so every little bump of funny noise seems like a bad omen. The only good part is when the wheels finally touch down--although I don't know why i feel safe then, since more than one plane has gone skittering off the runway after touching down just fine. But that's when I finally start to relax.

alternatefish said...

ha, that was hilarious.

Dawn said...

Rather you than me, Travis. I did get to sit beside a fellow who picked his nose once!

WordVixen said...

That was great! The worst experience I had on a plane involved pre-flight cabin pressure and electrical problems. It all worked in the air, but I was nervous as hell the whole flight.

Hm... what is it about Epcot and having obnoxious people trailing you? I once had a drunk woman walk right up to me and start complaining that they'd cut her off from the alcohol at one of the kiosks. We were in Mexico, and I couldn't shake her till we were almost at Spaceship Earth.

Unknown said...

OH My Gosh! How did you even stand it! I mean, you couldn't stand it, but how could you NOT ask him something like "Hey, do you ever shave your legs?" Or, "Hey, how long does it take your shirt to turn from white to the color it is now?" Something to get him to stop for a second and THINK about what YOU said!

Yea, I would have run and hid, too! In the words of Joe Dirt