Friday, December 30, 2011

Help Find Haley

I first met Ray Wilson several years ago. When I say met I mean i began bantering back and forth with him on twitter. Unlike most Internet friends I have met Ray actually lives in my town. After months of conversation 140 characters at a time we finally met in person, by happenstance in the grocery store aisle.

Ray is a computer guru, a singer, a writer, and a businessman, but most importantly he is a father. right now Ray is hurting so I am asking all of y'all as friends of mine to help out this friend by watching this video and sharing it wherever you can.

I know firsthand of the miraculous impact of social media and the Internet. It is my fondest wish that Ray will soon realize that healing as well. Please spread the word.


Sunday, December 25, 2011

Santa Brought You An E-Reader ... Now What?

First off let me say Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope each of you are int he midst of a fabulous holiday season.

Once again this year e-readers were a hot time and if you are in need of some reading material to load to you new advice here are a few suggestions. I'll be up front and honest, I count everyone of these authors as friends but that is not to say they are not talented deserving writers. Taste is subjective and I dare say there is one or two things on this for every reader regardless of their reading preference. It's a long list, but well worth perusing for the things that match your personal taste in literature

Several authors have multiple books available, but I have linked to their latest work.

(All links are to kindle version but most books are available in other formats as well)

Monkey Justice by Patti Abbott ($2.99)

"Patricia Abbott proves that there are many shades of noir as she expertly layers her stories with melancholy, loss and the frailness of the human psyche" – Dave Zeltserman, author of Pariah

“Patti Abbott is a master when it comes to short stories.” -- Anne Frasier, author of Pale Immortal and The Orchard (as Theresa Weir)

“In this collection of short contemporary noir fiction, Patti Abbott distinguishes herself as an extraordinary storyteller of the dark recesses of the human heart. Abbott’s characters hit hard, fight dirty, and seek a brand of hardscrabble justice that will leave you both wincing and wishing for more.” – Sophie Littlefield, author of a Bad Day for Sorry

The Tavernier Stones by Stephen Parrish ($2.99)

When the body of seventeenth-century mapmaker Johannes Cellarius floats to the surface of a bog in northern Germany with a 57-carat ruby clutched in his fist, the grisly discovery ignites a deadly twenty-first-century international treasure hunt to unearth the fabled Tavernier stones.  The hoard reputedly contains some of the world's most notorious missing jewels, including the 280-carat Great Mogul diamond and the 242-carat Great Table diamond.

Scrupulously honest Amish-born cartographer John Graf teams up with outlaw prospector and gemologist David Freeman in a ferocious race to find the treasure and break a secret code that will unravel the centuries-old Tavernier stones mystery. But other fortune hunters, opportunists and criminals alike, are in hot pursuit of the mismatched partners---and they'll stop at nothing to possess the legendary jewels.

Illuminated by Erica Orloff ($7.99)

Some loves are not made to last . . . Like Romeo and Juliet, Heloise and Abelard were doomed from the start, and their romance was destined to pass into history. Yet when sixteen-year-old Callie Martin discovers a diary hidden within an antique book, their story - and hers - takes on another life. For the diary leads Callie to the brilliant and handsome August, who is just as mysterious as the secret the diary hides. Their attraction is undeniable. As the two hunt down the truth behind the diary - and that of Heloise and Abelard's ancient romance - their romance becomes all-consuming. But Callie knows it can't last . . . love never does. Will their love that burns as bright as a shooting star flame out, or will these star-crossed lovers be able to defy history?

The Valley of Shadows by Mark Terry ($3.99) 

A raid on a Pakistan Al-Qaeda cell recovers two laptops. When the computers' booby-traps are defused and the computers decrypted and translated, they indicate that Al-Qaeda has planned a series of simultaneous attacks in five U.S. cities involving potential dirty bombs, biological weapons and maybe even a nuclear weapon-on Election Day. Derek Stillwater, troubleshooter for the Department of Homeland Security, is assigned to a multi-jurisdictional Special Terrorism Activity Response Team (START) to locate the weapon and terrorists in Los Angeles and prevent the attack. They have two days. But as they close in on their targets, Derek begins to think that the intelligence they gathered is a sideshow to distract them from the real target-one of the two candidates for President of the United States.

BEAT to a PULP by various authors  ($0.99)

BEAT to a PULP: Hardboiled is a compilation of uncompromising, gritty tales following in the footsteps of the tough and violent fiction popularized by the legendary Black Mask magazine in its early days. This collection includes thirteen lean and mean stories from the fingertips of Garnett Elliott, Glenn Gray, John Hornor Jacobs, Patricia Abbott, Thomas Pluck, Brad Green, Ron Earl Phillips, Kent Gowran, Amy Grech, Benoit Lelievre, Kieran Shea, David Cranmer, and Wayne D. Dundee and a boiled down look at hardboiled fiction in an introduction by Ron Scheer. Edited by David Cranmer and Scott D. Parker.

Plum Blossoms in Paris by Sarah Hina ($3.99)

 In her debut novel, Hina tracks a poetic Parisian romance between an American tourist and a French writer. Daisy, a 23-year-old neuroscience grad, has dropped her lab-rat life in Ohio for an open-ended trip to Paris after getting dumped by her longtime boyfriend. Named by her father after Henry James's novella, Daisy is "trying to outrun a broken heart" in her search for "the iconic bohemian chase" experienced by great 20th-century writers and artists in Montmartre. On her train ride to the city from the airport, she has a chance encounter with Mathieu, a writer and tour guide. They meet again by happenstance at the Musée d'Orsay and fall into a whirlwind affair. The lovers set out on one of Mathieu's city-wide tours, playfully debating current events, art, literature, and their disparate cultures. Hina's unrelenting lyrical composition may turn some readers off, but the tone brings a fantastical quality to the dreamer's idyll of a romantic tryst with an artistic Frenchman in Paris.

An Uncommon Crusade by Caron Guillo ($2.99) 

Only God can save them now . . .

Elisabeth, Simon, and Hugo join an ill-fated commoner’s crusade to Jerusalem in search of wealth, glory, and redemption. But their dreams are destroyed when Elisabeth and Simon are sold into slavery and Hugo finds himself adrift at sea.

From the dark forests of thirteenth century Germany, through treacherous alpine passes, to a sprawling estate in Egypt, three lives become linked in a desperate journey.

Tears of Like Souls by Val Conrad ($7.99)

 Medical Examiner Investigator Julie Madigan might have survived her half-brother's brutal crime spree, but the emotional wounds left by Anthony Bock's evil run deep. She begins a walk down the path to healing with the one man who's always loved her - Zach Samualson, who works for the Drug Enforcement Agency. They begin to establish a new life together in Washington - until he reveals a secret of his own. Julie's torn between trusting him and running from her inner demons and the one question that's haunted her since she was sixteen -did Bock make her kill her father?

Through Her Eyes by Jennifer Archer ($9.99)

Every ghost has a story to tell.

The last place Tansy Piper wants to be is stuck in Cedar Canyon, Texas, in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of small-town kids. But when her mother decides to move to the desolate West Texas town, Tansy has no choice but to go along. Once there, Tansy is immediately drawn to the turret of their rickety old house, a place she soon learns has a disturbing history. But it's the strange artifacts she finds in the cellar—a pocket watch, a journal of poetry, and a tiny crystal—that have the most chilling impact on her.
Tansy soon finds that through the lens of her camera, she can become part of a surreal black-and-white world where her life is intertwined with that of mysterious, troubled Henry, who lived in the same house and died decades earlier. It seems their lives are linked by fate and the artifacts she found, but as Tansy begins spending more and more time in the past, her present world starts to fade away. Tansy must untangle herself from Henry's dangerous reality—before she loses touch with her own life forever.

The Pull of Gravity by Gae Polisner ($9.99)

While Nick Gardner’s family is falling apart, his best friend, Scooter, is dying from a freak disease. The Scoot’s final wish is that Nick and their quirky classmate, Jaycee Amato, deliver a prized first-edition copy of Of Mice and Men to the Scoot’s father. There’s just one problem: the Scoot’s father walked out years ago and hasn’t been heard from since. So, guided by Steinbeck’s life lessons, and with only the vaguest of plans, Nick and Jaycee set off to find him.

Characters you’ll want to become friends with and a narrative voice that sparkles with wit make this a truly original coming-of-age story.


Adventures of Cash Laramie and Gideon Miles Vol. II by Edward Grainger ($0.99)

Adventures of Cash Laramie and Gideon Miles Vol. II continues to chronicle the tales of two unorthodox 19th century U.S. Marshals. With seven more adventures, this collection includes the novella "Origin of White Deer" where the outlaw marshal leaves his Arapaho home as a teen to find his roots in the lawless town of Cheyenne, Wyoming. These noir tales infuse the Western genre with a fresh perspective on topics like race relations and social justice while still delivering pulse-racing action in the tradition of Wanted: Dead or Alive and Gunsmoke.

DEADLY BY THE DOZEN by various authors (myself included) ($2.99)

Twelve Short Stories of Murder and Mayhem written by an eclectic group of writers. Ranging from tough and gritty to light and comic and every landscape in between, DEADLY BY THE DOZEN promises to entertain, chill, thrill and inspire. Edited by award-winning thriller author Mark Terry.

Operation: Midnight Guardian by Linda Castillo ($3.99)

When a federal transport was ambushed and overturned in the wilds of Montana, MIDNIGHT agent Sean Cutter was given forty-eight hours to track down a desperate woman. But falsely accused, Mattie Logan didn't want to be saved. It was Sean's job to convince her otherwise.

A former Department of Defense scientist now targeted by the terrorist known only as the Jaguar, Mattie couldn't risk betrayal again. But neither could Sean. Caught out in the blistering cold, Mattie sought shelter beneath Sean's broad shoulders, each needing the other's warmth to stay alive. But would trusting one another prove to be more difficult than clearing Mattie's name?

The Man in the Cinder Clouds by Rick Daley ($4.99)

The freezing temperature is the only thing cool about Jason’s trip to the North Pole, but things heat up when his father discovers a book buried deep in the ice. This is no ordinary book, mind you. For starters, it was written by an Elf. And if that’s not enough, the book proves the existence of Kris Kringle—you know, Santa Claus.

Born human but abandoned as a baby, Kris is rescued by Elfs and grows up among them…but he doesn’t really fit in. Kris embarks on a quest to find his true family among the humans by delivering presents on Christmas day. But there’s a catch: the High Council of Elfs is convinced humans are wicked at heart, and Kris can’t return to his Elfin home unless he can prove otherwise.

His journey takes him all the way to the legendary Great Northern Glen, and from there to the town of Oldenton, where he finds two orphans who are about to lose everything they have to a greedy uncle. With only days before Christmas, Kris must try to help the kids, deliver his presents, find his family, and prove that human virtue does exist…even in the most unexpected of human hearts.

Whispers by Travis Erwin (that would be me) ($0.99)

A collection of two short stories, and a memoir vignette.

Three tales range in setting from the lonely solitude of a high mountain trail, to a quiet suburban neighborhood, to the stress-filled halls of a Childrens hospital. Collectively the trio of stories share a bond rooted in the most abstract of human emotions ... fear, hope, and love.

Liar's Fire by Dee Burks ($0.99)

Three Dates. Three Hours. No Commitment. No Kidding. It seemed like a really good idea at the time to Serena Finley, editor of the Cranfield Reporter-Star. Faking a romance couldn't be that hard could it? No one said it had to be real and if everyone thought she was in love, they'd stop hounding her to find a man. Serena knew she could do this and no one would ever be the wiser - best case scenario. Then Tyler Cooper walked into her life and best case scenario became iffy. He fit her idea of Mr. Wrong in every way. From a failing business, to limited social skills, Tyler would never have made her list of datable men. He was a cowboy for heaven's sake, who probably wouldn't know cashmere if it bit him in the butt. But she needed his help and he needed hers, which made him perfect. Until tonight. Somewhere in the midst of the pretend and the lies, her heart had been drawn to his. His kisses stirred her soul while his friendship gave her the strength to deal with old hurts and past heartaches. Serena knew this had no future. She was bound for Manhattan; Tyler was determined to stay in Texas. Would she risk everything for a chance at real love? Or walk away from this flame with her heart in ashes?  

The New Face of Jazz: An Intimate Look at Today's Living Legends and the Artists of Tomorrow by Cicily Janus ($18.99)

Jazz is thriving in the twenty-first century, and The New Face of Jazz is an intimate, illustrated guide to the artists, venues, and festivals of today's jazz scene. This book celebrates the living legends, current stars, and faces of tomorrow as they continue to innovate and expand the boundaries of this great musical legacy.
     In their own words, artists such as McCoy Tyner, Arturo Sandoval, Diane Schuur, Terence Blanchard, Charlie Hunter, Nicholas Payton, George Benson, Maria Schneider, Christian McBride, Randy Brecker, Jean-Luc Ponty, Joe Lovano, Lee Ritenour, and more than 100 others share intimately about their beginnings, musical training, inspiration, and hard-earned lessons, creating a fascinating mosaic of the current jazz community.
     Photographer Ned Radinsky contributes 40 amazing black-and-white portraits of these musicians doing what they do best—playing. An appendix offers resources for jazz education; an exclusive reading list; and the lowdown on those organizations and societies doing their part to promote jazz as a living, breathing art form. 

Extinct Doesn't Mean Forever by various authors ($2.99)

Echoes of yesterday touch the lives of ordinary people in extraordinary ways in 19 provocative stories by some of the best up-and-coming authors of mainstream and speculative fiction around the world.

The Feedstore Chronicles by Travis Erwin ($6.99)

 Welcome to Pearl's Feed and Seed -- Most coming-of-age stories are fraught with symbolism, hidden metaphors, and a heaping mound of other literary devices. Not this one. Not mine. You see, I came of age while working at a dusty Texas feedstore. A place where To Kill a Mockingbird involved a twelve-year-old and a BB gun. Of Mice and Men was a problem easily solved with rat poison. And David Copperfield was nothing more than a dude that made shit disappear. In the spring of 1989, I went to work at Pearl's Feed and Seed for a man named Doyle Suggs. On the surface Doyle and I had little in common: I was a rosy-cheeked boy of sixteen; he was a twice-divorced, thirty-year-old high school dropout. I had yet to go on my first date; he was trading sex for horse feed in the back room. Sure, Doyle was a lout, a liar, and a lecherous derelict. To this day, he remains the most morally bankrupt man I've ever met, yet my life wouldn't be half as blessed, had I missed out on his misguided education. The Feedstore

Forgive me, but I cheated and added more than one title of my own. 

The Wonder of Ordinary Magic by Lilli Day ($2.99)

Bobby Weaver is a brother, an uncle, a husband, and a successful young writer who just happens to be in a coma. As he continues to work on his own unfinished novel, a murder mystery set along The Appalachian Trail, he shares his thoughts about his current situation, his family, and life in general. Interwoven throughout the book with Bobby's irreverent voice are the viewpoints of six other characters as we move through one day in their busy lives. From a spirited four-year-old, to a grieving seventy-three year old, we are introduced to the people in this young writer's life and a spare, bittersweet story unfolds with an unexpected and poignant ending.

Resonance by Avery Debow ($2.99)

Resonance Murphy cares about only one member of the world's population—herself. So, when the self-applauded master of irresponsibility moves to the Maryland Eastern Shore town of Tyne and discovers the fate of all humanity rests on her shoulders, she's more than a little irked.

Thousands of years ago, seven benevolent gods drove their evil brother, Ta-gul, into a collapsing dimension. Now, Ta-gul is about to re-emerge in Tyne and Resonance is the warrior fated to destroy him. With a murderous dark magician; an ancient cult; a desperate fallen goddess; and a mysterious, tattooed young woman each intent on thwarting her by any means, Resonance must put aside her inhibitions and finally place her trust in someone besides herself.

Fearful of the coming days and fascinated by the mercurial young woman, necromancer Quinn Lehrer aligns himself with Resonance. As Quinn helps the reluctant warrior run the gantlet of reality-bending trials that will give her the power to defeat Ta-gul, a series of terrible revelations will force him to decide if Resonance is truly worth aiding.

As the clock ticks down to Ta-gul's ascension, the unlikely couple find themselves in a labyrinth of choice and consequence, where each decision sheds new light on Resonance's long-forgotten past, and brings the reluctant warrior closer to the moment when she will become either the savior of humanity—or the catalyst for its downfall. 


Gone Never Forgotten by Natalie Bright ($4.99)

Words for hope and healing after the loss of a baby. Rhymed and free verse poems, uplifting Bible verse, and personal insight based on the author's own loss.

I'm sure I have left one friend or another off and for that I apologize but hopefully I have included at least one title that all you e-reading folks (new and otherwise) will find interesting enough to purchase. And thank you for supporting me and my writing friends.

Friday, December 23, 2011


I have my friend Alex Keto to thank for introducing Tintin to my family. Like so many of you Alex mailed my boys books after our house burned and the books he sent were some of the many Adventures of Tintin.

Right away my boys took to the the books and over the last several years they have read each one countless times. If I'm honest the books didn't do a whole lot for me. Sure they were amusing tales but I've never been a huge comic book or graphic novel kind of guy so I read them only so as to discuss them with my boys.

But any book or series that gets them to read is top notch on my eyes so when we heard there was a movie coming out I pledged to take them on opening night.


Our adventure to see Tintin the movie turned into quite the caravan as along with my wife and I and our two boys (age 9 and 11) we had my niece (10) and nephew (5), a young seminarian poet (23), and a young lady (18). Before I go on in detail about the movie let me say ALL 8 of us enjoyed the movie.

A month or so back I read an article that some religious group (twas either Southern Baptists or a Evangelical Christian group but despite internet searches I can not find the article) was urging a boycott of the film. The group claimed that the Tintin works were both racist and promoted alcoholism. The article explained that the issue wasn't with the movie but the collection of books.

Given that I am a contrary sort of guy the protests did nothing more than make me more eager to see the film. I hate being told not to do something based on the personal opinions of someone else.

The animation in the movie was stunning. As good as I've ever seen.

And I found the rum loving sea captain quite entertaining. He is kind of the anti-Popeye and I admire a fella who gets a bit of life saving strength from a good stiff drink rather than a can of evil green spinach.But I suppose of you are a teetotaling fun-hater Captain Haddocks drinking might bother you. Then again if you are a fun-hater you probably are not going to like the high speed chases, the gun battles, the sword fighting, treasure hunting adventure that makes up the movie.

The writers of the movie did a great job of capturing the spirit of the characters literary persona and yes the hijinks are outlandish in an Indiana Jones sort of way but my entire gang, found the film to me a very entertaining family adventure worthy of  the price of admission.

Now where did I put that bottle of rum?

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Yes, I Am A Pirate

Tomorrow I turn 39.

Given that fact I do believe this should be my theme song for the next 12 months. I do like Jimmy Buffet, but Jack Johnson's mellow vibe on this song really appeals to me which is why I shared his version.

Looking at 40.

I've never actually met a Mayan, but according to them the world will end on my 40th birthday ... 12/21/2012 but the date doesn't scare me much. After all, how damn smart could the Mayans be if none of them survived? And marking 4 decades among the living sure beats the alternative. However, as I age I do find myself reflecting on life ... past, present, and future more often.

I am thankful for the experiences I've had in life, lucky to have survived more than a few of them, and blessed to be where I am at. I thank you for sharing the last several years with me here on this blog and I hope to see you a few of you at my 40th/End of Times Birthday bash. yes there will be one and 12/21/2012 falls on a Friday so make plans to attend now.

Take care my friends and in case I don't post again before then, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Fantabulous Festivus.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Chicken Feed

My wife and friends had feed store shirts made for the release party and a dozen or so wanted shirts so she had ordered a second batch. 
There are a few left in a variety of sizes so I'm going to hold a contest. Anyone who posts a blog or Facebook post with a direct link to THE FEEDSTORE CHRONICLES on either Amazon or Barnes & Noble is eligible to win one of these shirts. Say what you want about the book or me but tag me (if on facebook) or email or leave a comment (if on blog) so I'll know you posted.

Drawing will be December 26th and winner can choose from available sizes ranging XXL to Medium.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

If I Knew Then, What I Know Now

It's been a long time since I espoused on the craft of writing and this post is going to be conglomeration of tidbits I've picked up over the years more than it is a comprehensive look at any particular facet. But for whatever reason I feel compelled to chat about the craft today. These are things I wish I had understood a decade ago.

Be Bold, Be Daring, Be a Pirate 


Like the first 20 seconds of that video, I heard a lot of stuff about the rules, the code if you will, when I first began writing. A decade in and I can tell you there are no rules, sure there are some guidelines but nothing, and I repeat nothing is completely off the table.

But not all pirates are created equal. The lazy, the sloppy, the careless wind up swinging from a rope or hanging with Davy Jones. It pays to know the so-called rules so that you know when you are breaking them and you do so with swagger, with style, with a purpose.

It's Who You Know 

Yeah, it would be nice if Jeff Bezos happened to be your next door neighbor, or if Sessalee Hensley happened to be your husband's first cousin, but few of us are that fortunate. Besides I happen to view "IT'S WHO YOU KNOW THAT REALLY MATTERS" as more more Cerberian creature with three distinct heads. And not one of those craniums is tied to being kin with a giant in the business so this is no monster to fear.

photo by ukdavew via PhotoRee

Head One -  Network. Get to know other writers and people in the publishing business. Make friends with them. And by make friends I do not mean hound, harass, and harangue by pleading those folks to read your books. I mean interact, be sociable, be friendly. You can do this by attending conferences, workshops, facebooking, tweeting, and a variety of other means.

Head Two - Know your characters. Before you start writing their story. Sure surprises and new twists will develop but if you know your character beforehand the writing will go much smoother. I write vignettes for every character. I try to choose emotional significant events from the character's life. First kisses, traumatic heartbreaks, fights (verbal or physical) they may have had. I don;t try to make these complete stories but voyeuristic capsules into my characters emotional reactions at a variety of times in their life prior to the beginning of my story. For POV characters I write 5 or 6 of these and for secondary characters one or two.

Head Three - Know your audience. And write with them in mind. You have to please yourself first but by having a target audience will keep you on track.

Trust Your Gut

Unless of course it's telling you to eat a salad. In that case it is most likely possessed by the devil but that is a blog for another day. What I'm saying is writing is a personal endeavor and while you must be objective enough to realize constructive criticism when you see it, you smut also have to ability to politely smile and then do whatever the hell you think is necessary to tell the story you want told. If it feels wrong, even if your mentor, or JK Rowling, or a college professor with a PhD in English says so, have the conviction to leave it the hell alone. Write the story you want to write.


You started writing because you love with reading and great literature. You wanted to spin tales that other will talk about for years to come. You were eager to release the colorful and imaginary words swirling within your skull. It was fun to write ... right up until it became a publish at all costs quest. Right up until it became a business. Right up until it became deadlines, expectations, and disappointing rejections.

I'm not naive to think you can totally escape those shackles once they've clamped on, but as a guy who has struggled with this at times let me say it is important to sit back, breathe, and reflect every once in a while how and why you came to be chasing the writing dream. it is important to reread those authors and books that inspired you in the beginning. it is important to remember the joy of writing.

And for those that do not follow me on Facebook or Twitter THE FEEDSTORE CHRONICLES is now available for both the Kindle and Nook formats as well as paperback.


Thursday, December 1, 2011

!0 Worst Christmas Songs

December 1st.

Seems like a good time to make a confession.

I despise Christmas music. Now before the shouts of Ebenezer get too loud let me point out it's not the holiday or season I dislike simply the soundtrack. Well, that and the glitter.

In honor of my confession I'm going to rank the 10 Worst (Fairly Well-Known) Christmas Songs. Sure there are even bigger monstrosities out there. Every Christmas song by the Beach Boys, the festive slop mainstream country hurls from Nashville, and those damn screechy Chipmunks but I tried to focus on the ones that radio stations play every hours this month.

10) You Are a Mean One, Mr Grinch - We tell our kids not to be bullies and yet here is this song that does nothing but belittle and ridicule. I dislike green things as much as anyone but where the the holiday cheer in this one?

9) The Twelve Days Of Christmas - True love my ass. better than half the crap on that list is worthless or flat out irritating. and speaking of being irritated the repetitive nature of this song makes it the B-I-N-G-O of yuletide entertainment.

8) All I Want For Christmas Is You - Who wrote
 this? John Hinckley Jr?

7) A Wonderful Christmas Time - Come on Paul McCartney. Quit trying to pretend you are as talented as John Lennon was. Lennon's Happy Christmas had meaning. Your song is a cancerous ear worm that lingers in it's victims longer than fruitcake in the pantry.

6) Santa Claus Is Coming To Town - The musical equivalent to George Orwell's novel 1984. And yet another reason to fear Big Brother.

5) Christmas Shoes - Hey let's all gather 'round and sing a song about momma dying. Yeah, That's festive.

4) Santa Baby - Nothing creates that giving spirit like a song glorifying gold diggers.

3) All I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas - This little ditty teaches our kids bad rhymes and promotes unreasonable expectations.

2) I Saw Mamma Kissing Santa - Gotta love a song calling mom out as a two-timing whore.

1) Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer - This song has it all ... alcoholism (grandma staggering around drunk on eggnog), death (grandma), compassion (grandpa already trifling around with cousin Belle), necrophilia (incriminating Clause marks on her back), sacrilege (disparaging SAINT Nick as a blond fool) ... all wrapped up in a horrendously gaudy package.

So tell me what bad holiday song did I miss?