Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Heavy Meddlin' Highway

Why do so many people like to meddle?

I'm not talking about your wife or husband. You granted them the right to meddle once you uttered I do.

I'm not talking about your friends either. Sometimes their meddling is the only thing that saves us from catastrophe. Without them there would be even more conversations that started with one of these phrases. I told you she wasn't eighteen. What ever made you think you could make that jump anyway? And for the ladies. How was I supposed to know he was married and had three kids? Who knew regurgitated Cosmopolitans and Apple Martini's would stain the carpet? Trust me we need our friends around for those times we aren't thinking too clearly.

I'm not even talking about your mother. She earned that right by hours of childbirth or by that C-section scar. You owe her the right to voice her opinion. Sure most of us ignore what she says, but let her talk just the same.

I'm talking about the meddling of society at large, especially by those with fancy degrees hanging on a wall. Doctors, lawyers, chiropractors.

It has been well documented on this blog that my doctor has been meddling. He dared suggest I needed to eat more vegetables, shy away from fired foods and donuts. He even had the meddlin' nerve to hint I might need to lose a few pounds.

I won't even get started on those lawyers and their fancy laws, but I don't see any harm if a fellow wanted to place a little wager on his favorite football team. Even if he didn't happen to be in Las Vegas.

Generally speaking my chiropractor is a nice guy. He likes to hunt, fish, and discuss football while he yanks around on my skeletal frame, but today he climbed up the ladder and dove headfirst into the deep end of the meddlin' pool. He blames my recent bout of bad back-itis on the fact I like to sleep on my stomach. So now I got medical professionals telling me what to eat, what not to eat, how much to exercise and now I have one telling me how to sleep.

When I get rich and famous I'm gonna buy up an entire mountain in the middle of nowhere, grow me a ZZ Top style beard and live off the land. I'll only head down to town to head off on a book signing tour and to cash all those royalty checks because we all know that published authors get to do whatever they want.

And for anybody who believes that, I also had a big bowl of lettuce for supper. (In case your new to the blog I happen to think lettuce and 99% of all other vegetables are the devil.) But go ahead eat that stuff all you wants. That just means more meat for me. I know Alex will probably sign up to join my mountainside writers commune. (hope he's better with a rifle than a fishing pole) How about the rest of you, any takers?

Nope I didn't think so. Guess this means I'll have to head to work tomorrow. Damn the luck.

Of course I don't blame you. After all, I'm a long way from being rich and famous. But we all gotta have dreams. Now if people will just stop meddling with mine.


Shauna said...

LOL! I agree 100% with you! Forget the veggies! Give me...well, not meat, but chocolate. I hate when everyone says, "eat a healthy breakfast." Blah! Too many women on diets! Gimme my coffee and a donut...or two!

Anonymous said...

Do I have the right to meddle in your life because I am a friend, or is that right taken away from me because I am also a nurse and your doctor's number one advocate, because I want to see you live a few more billion years... After all, who knows how long its going to take you and I to make it on that crappy little list in NY?

Regardless, sleep on your stomach, it won't kill you. And I will join that commune with you and Alex, as long as you guys have a paramedic on standby and a priest for exorcisms if I decide to make a Caesar Salad one night.




alex keto said...

Why wait on the ZZ Top beard?

These things take years so it would be prudent to plan ahead now. Break the scissors and when it gets long enough, you can use the beard as a napkin.

Katrina said...

Travis, Travis what are we gonna do with you? EAT your vegetables & fruit! I used to make my kids take one bite for every year of their age and how old are you? Okay so I'm meddling in your business.

On the other hand if you need a sure fire way to loose weight in the summer--come work at our place for a month. We run two huge ovens in our shop at 625 degrees--10 hrs. a day. Sweat shop deluxe!

I too would join you at the commune. Hunting, fishing the whole nine yards BUT I'm gonna have to have my greens too, so we would have to plant a garden.

And the beard--I'm with Alex what are you waiting for? Oh, I forgot that might be against OSHA & postal regulations. "Facial hair causes machine to malfunction." Doesn't matter that it could be dangerous for you, huh? Leaning over a postal sorter with a 12 inch long beard. Yeoweeeee!

alternatefish said...

commune, yeah!

actually what you should do is start a cult. The Cult of Travis. Everyone has to wear ZZTop beards, even the women and children.

man, I am such a genius on four hours of sleep.

B.E. Sanderson said...

I'm all for living on the top of a mountain, but part of the lure of that is the hermit-like existence, so a whole bunch of people living together up there would defeat the purpose for me. ;o)

Have fun on your mountain, and ignore all the meddlers. (Except the ones who makes laws. We kinda hafta pay attention to them. Maybe instead of a mountaintop, an island nation would work better.)

angel, jr. said...

A writer's commune, sounds like a lot of fun.
However, I would miss all the meddling in my life. It's easier when you get told what to do and how to do it--it's a wonder that some chick hasn't snatched me up already. I'm pretty much trained.

Travis Erwin said...

Shauna - I'm cool with chocolate even if it does come from a plant.

Bluefingers - It's not you eating Caeser salad that I worry about. It's those wet willies you like to drink that lead to real trouble. (back me up on that Alex)

Alex - My wife has threatened me about growing a full beard. I can get away with the goatee but that is about it. And it does make a might fine napkin at times, but it is pretty sorry for storing honey.

Katrina - I'll pass on the sweat shop. Unlike my curent gig you would probably expect something in the form of actual work. NAd over the years we have had a postal worker or two with long beards. We hide them in a mail sack when OSHA comes to inspect.

Alternatefish - If we call it a cult we'll only be able to drink beer since people get nervous about Kool-Aid and cults.

B.E. - You have a valid point about the solitude, but since we'll all be writers we'll spend our days alone at the computer anyway. Maybe we can split our time summers in the mountains, winters on a tropical island. Rum is my friend.

Angel - We could always use a servant and errand boy at the commune.

alternatefish said...

If we call it a cult we'll only be able to drink beer since people get nervous about Kool-Aid and cults.

This is a bad thing?

Brooke said...

I eat like a ten year old with no parents and I am not dead yet!

alex keto said...

Another great idea.

If you make people worship long beards, then it qualifies as a religion, and not a cult, and the IRS will have to give you tax exempt status. What a deal.

latt├ęgirl said...

Dude. I'll join your commune. I like meat.

Phats said...

Ha I hope my doc never reads my blog then after I talked about all the fried treats I like to feast on!

I say screw em, if you're gonna die, die happy eating what you want. BTW if you do decide to go healthy, stay away from spinach!

JasonScottAdams said...

I ate oven broiled frozen hamburgers last night. And I drank 2 or 4 beers. And I watched the Chiefs lose to the Rams. And I'm up at 2:48 AM with horrible indigestion. Sometimes it's not always best to skip the healthy stuff.

Everything is permissible. Not everything is beneficial.

Hopefully this Pepto kicks in so I can go back to bed. I have to be to work at 6:00. :)

Bubblewench said...

I'd totally up for the keep the meddlers out commune. Works for me. I'll go where ever there is Rum. Or I'm bringing it myself.

Couldn't we just drink Rum instead of beer or Koolaid?

BUT I will insist on at least ALLOWING veggies. I will never force you to eat them, or let them touch your food in any way. (My husband is like you with the veggies)

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

I'm a carnivore, just don't expect me to kill it. But I'm awful good with a fishing rod. Make sure there is a lake or river near your commune!