Saturday, December 22, 2007

The Art Of Regifting

First off, thanks to all of you for the birthday wishes. I was going to reply to each of you via the comments, but since so many of you took time to wish me a happy birthday the task now seems a bit too daunting for a lazy Government worker like myself.. So thanks to one and all.

Christmas Day is almost here and my plan was to tell the last of Santa Saga today, but as is often the case with my plans things haven't worked out the way I envisioned.

The story I wanted to tell simply isn't working for me and at this point I'm giving up on it. Maybe next year.

But so as not to leave y'all out in the cold, I'm going to tell you a different story with a Christmas theme.

The year was 2001, early December. My wife and I, needing to do a bit of Christmas shopping left my son with her parents and headed out. upon our return several hours later my father-in-law was quite jovial in telling us how much our child enjoyed sardines and kippered herring. Apparently, the two of them had shared several cans through the course of the night.
Now my father-in-law was quite enthused about the diaper that was sure to come. He smiled and patted me on the back saying, "That one will be fun to change."

Dirty diapers are never fun. Dirty diapers chocked full of recycled fish are even worse. Shark fisherman wouldn't have chummed with the black oily substance that come out of my son, but then again they wouldn't have had to. Had we lived on the coast all matter of carnivorous marine life would have grown legs and crawled ashore to seek out the odoriferous excrement. Such was its potency.

But I'm not one to let sleeping dogs lie, or smelly fish sink as in this case. I gagged my way through the changing, grabbed a Folgers can with an air-tight lid and popped the rancid bundle inside. I then wrapped the package up and waited the THREE-LONG-WEEKS till Christmas Eve.
My unsuspecting father-in-law unwrapped the present, and immediately popped the lid off his present. Let me tell you the stink had festered and grown to the point everyone in the room suffered. But he got it full force in the face, and to this day he seems a bit reluctant to open any gift that bears my name on the tag.

Sometimes Santa forgets the Ho! Ho! Ho! and goes for He! He! He!


Angie said...

Oh, ROFLMAO! You're evil, Travis, seriously! :D


Charles Gramlich said...

How wonderfully well deserved. You, my man, know the true meaning of Christmas.

Rox said...

You sick bastard!!! What a frigging brilliant idea!

Happy belated birthday! I hope it was wonderful for you!

miss Jayme said...

Please do not bring any gifts to the McBride household during the Holiday least not those in a coffee can. Look at you, brilliant writer and earth altering mastermind!
You Rock! Jaymes

Shauna said...

BWAHAHAHAHA!! Only you, Travis, you evil genious, you.

Stephen Parrish said...

You're insane. Have you been eating lettuce?

I guess a blogger gift exchange is out of the question.

preTzel said...

I'm sorry I missed your birthday Travis. :( Happy Birthday my friend. I hope the day was filled with greatness just for you.

The Folgers Can? Priceless. Oh to have been a fly on the wall but flies are attracted to excretement so I really would not have wanted to be one. :)

debra said...

This is not only the ultimate in re-gifting, it's recycling, too.
Wishing you fishless holidays!

Sherry said...

LMAO PIMP....that was a classic!!!!! I used to do goofy things like that to my sister but I don't think even my mind would work like that!! You are hysterical!!!

Have a very Merry Christmas...are you brave enough to open gifts from your FIL?!? I'm surprised he hasn't returned the favour!!!!

Terrie Farley Moran said...


I will remember never to pull an prank on you--you are the master!

Merry Christmas!


alex keto said...

Yep, just demonstrating that if you re-arrange Santa you get Satan.

Penelope said...

Too too funny, Travis!!!

Karen once threatened her neighbor with a bag of my unmentionables dumped on the porch, if his dog didn't stop crapping on ours.

I suggested giving Sadie milk for a week to make it that much more fun.

-- P

Mom In Scrubs said...

Kick. Ass.

I'd love to do something like that to my MIL...too bad you can't wrap up a fermented wad of sugar-fortified-sleep-deprived-toddler-tantrums from a weekend at Grandma's and regift that.

Marla said...

Oh my God! I have never read a story like that! First of all I can not believe he fed your child sardines! What was he thinking? I also can't believe your child willingly at them!?! The gift is a classic! He totally deserved it!

Danette Haworth said...

OMG! Travis!

Bubblewench said...

holy moly, i am just sitting here with my mouth open in a silent scream of laughter

Jess said...

Oh, oh, oh. All I can think to say is "oh, no you di'nt!".

Watch out, SUV in-laws.

Chatterness said...

Holy Cow! How clever!! hee hee!

KiKi said...


I have tears streaming down my face. This can't be true. LMAO!!!

Aaron said...