Monday, February 11, 2008

Juan Valdez Ain't Gonna Like This - Another Riddle Me This

It's been a while since I did one of my Riddle Me This posts, but after a recent conversation the idea for this post has been percolating in my noggin.

Feeling tired and run down? A bit sluggish. Need a pick-me-up that goes beyond the norm?

Well, grab yourself a funnel, a length of rubber hose, a jar of Vaseline, and a pot of coffee. (May I suggest you let it cool first.)

Yes, my friends I am serious. Okay, I don't really know if those are the tools of the trade but those are the things my mind says you will need in order to give yourself a ... coffee enema.

A what?

That was precisely my reaction when a friends casually mentioned that her mom often gave herself coffee enemas.

Why? Was my next question.

To detoxify her body. She swears by them.

First off, if somebody bent me over and poured a pot full of java down my bum I'd be swearing too, but that's not even my point. Other than my odd mental image the thing that occurred to me was who thought this up.

"Hey, Frank. I'm bored," said Bob
"Me too," answered Frank.
"Let's go play a round of golf."
"Nah I'm a little tired and run down."
"Drink some more coffee. The caffeine will make get you going."
"I drank a pot already. Besdes I tunred the burner off. It's cold by now."
Bob nodded. "Cold coffee tastes like shit."

And with one innocent phrase an idea is born.

Turning to the internet I learned that the major difference between your coffee enema and the plain vanilla (meaning saline not ice cream) enema is the caffeine. With that in mind why not go with a Mountain Dew enema. The caffiend in a can of dew combined with the carbonation bubbles ought to get you felling all tingly inside. Literally.

Actually the possibilities are endless. Starbucks can expand and have little rooms in the back. someone can invent a cardboard sleeve to go around the tubing so you won't burn your finger tips. Wait, never mind, the coffee has to already be somewhat cool. Otherwise you'll have worse problems than burnt fingers.

Doffee shops are already interesting places, but imagine sitting there with you espresso. You're munching on a scone when some guy walks in and orders a Venti Crappaccino.

So I say Riddle Me This ... explain the logic if you are a believer, deliver a testimonial. Or tell me why you would or would not ever go for a coffee enema. Me? I don't even like coffee except for the chicory kind you find down in Louisiana, and it already makes me act like Cornholio from Beavis and Butthead fame so there will be no coffee enemas for me.


HelenMWalters said...

Oh dear - what will they think of next! I sincerely believe that there's only one place coffee should go - and it doesn't require a tube and vaseline!

Ello - Ellen Oh said...

Oh I screamed! I spewed! You really need to have a warning in place before you post! The sad thing is I spewed and I didn't even have anything to drink! You are so bad! Mountain dew enema leaving you tingly on the inside just about killed me!

Tell you what, why don't you try it out and report back to us?

Lana Gramlich said...

*ROFL!* Personally, I consider my @$$ an exit, NOT an entrance.

Charles Gramlich said...

You lost me at "enema."

Mom In Scrubs said...

As a nurse, I have seen many substances enema-tized. We used to give soap enemas... mmmm... bubbly. The weirdest was the milk & molasses enema. No shit (haha).

You think coffee is weird? Try out this website: Now that'll open up your eyes (and clench your butt cheeks!)

The Anti-Wife said...

Ewwwwwww! Just Ewwwwwwww! This is hilarious and horrifying all at the same time. Very cringe worthy.

Mr. Shife said...

Wow. I have made it this for with the anus exit only policy and I am not going to change now. You can't teach this old dog new tricks especially when it involves a gallon of Folgers doing a cannonball in your turdcutter.

Sam said...

I'm laughing so hard I can hardly type. No doubt someone will set me straight about the benefits of enemas. Probably in a prissy tone of voice. Until then, I will continue to mock the idea of someone sticking a tube up their arse to clean their intestines. Isn't that what All Bran is all about?

Josephine Damian said...

How about a Red Bull or a Jolt enema? I wonder if the fizzies would make your insides tingle?

Over my long life, I've given up booze, icecream (and now cookies - I haven't had one since Dec), and coffee - give ya one guess which one was the toughest.

Josephine Damian said...

Oh, yeh, forgot. I gave up soda as well.

Melissa Amateis said...

Where do people come UP with this stuff?

Angie said...

ROFLMAO! Seriously, when I got to this line:

Bob nodded. "Cold coffee tastes like shit."

I was laughing out loud and trying real hard not to make it so loud that the neighbors in the next unit would wake up and gripe.

You're a great humor writer, Travis, and one of these days I'm going to have a shelf full of your books. :D


Monnik said...

You are too funny, Travis. I agree with Angie, I can't wait for your books to be published.

This post had me giggling like a dork.

Patti said...

gives a whole new meaning to my hal-caf.

Bernita said...

Me too, Lana, she said faintly.

Anonymous said...

LOL - I've heard of them before - but imagining people doing it in the backs of Starbucks made me sick.

Love the Cornholio image. Oh man - I haven't seen that show since I was a teenager.

Phats said...

That's disgusting haha. I have never been a coffee drinker and after reading this will not become one haha

Shauna said...

What a waste of perfectly good coffee.

Shauna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rox said...

The Hollyweird Starlets do this all the time. Me? Um, no thanks. I take my coffee orally.

Debbielou said...

Is it Starbucks or StarBUTTS ?

That's why us Brits drink tea !

Spy Scribbler said...

Hah! I've actually read about this a LOT, in my years of questing for alternative healing. All over the place. In several different books, heard from several different people, seen it on lots of websites.

But I just don't have the courage to try. :-)

Carleen Brice said...

This is actually a pretty old treatment...not that I've done it! It's mentioned in the (very good) movie Tumbleweeds.

Chris Eldin said...

....and a special room at Starbucks?

OMG! Everyone has said everything already. This is gross and funny!

Aaron said...

I find it disturbing that someone even thought to attempt this.

WordVixen said...

Finally, a use for Folgers. (the one brand that I can't stand besides whatever every office in America uses)