Saturday, November 29, 2008

Straight From My Brow


It's not something people inspire to do unless they happen to be exercising at the moment.

Sweat stinks. It's nasty, and even if you are at the gym working, covered in your own sheen of perspiration the last thing you want is to find some stranger's sweat pooled on a piece of equipment you wish to use. Outside of the gym sweat is rarely looked upon with favor.

Heck, we spend countless dollars on deodorant and antiperspirant just so we won't draw flies.

Sure, men can get away with sweating on occasion, yet in true double-standard fashion proper ladies are not allowed perspire.

Trust me, I think this is all going somewhere, but just for clarification here is my summary thus far ...

sweat =bad

Do we all agree on that?

Okay good. Let's move on.

So why do we name countless articles of clothing after something society frowns upon? Sweat socks, sweat pants, sweat suits, sweat shirts ... and my least favorite -- the sweater.

My wife has this sweater fetish where she has to buy all these holiday sweaters. She has Halloween ones with ghosts, goblins, and witches. Fall ones chocked full of colorful leaves, cornucopias, and such. Christmas ones with elves, twinkling lights, and dancing penguins. Heck, I won't be at all surprised when she comes home on February second wearing a sweater adorned with a smiling groundhog.

To me the whole holiday sweater phenomenon is goofy. I prefer clothes that I can wear all year, or the very least all season long. Not some tiny little window of time that coincides with a particular selection of Hallmark cards. And besides that, I consider sweater to be an asinine name of the utmost in bad marketing. Call them warmers or toasties or something to convey the snuggle not chilly way theya re suppsoed to make you feel. But not SWEATers. Who wants something that produces an unwanted bodily function?

Do we have pants called gassers? Cosmetics called pimplers? Bran cereal called Poo-poo Puffs?

No we do not, and nobody would buy them if we did. So why do you women ooh and aah over SWEATers?

Sure back in the days when girls didn't wear thin, see-through t-shirts everyday of the week the tight sweater was a thing all us guys could appreciate, but even then the name was stupid. I am officially adding sweaters, especially cutesy holiday sweaters, to my list of things I do not approve of including (but not limited to) things such as ...

All forms of lettuce
Fluffy toilet seat covers
Sarah Jessica Parker
Precooked Bacon
Form Rejection letters on a requested full manuscript
The BeeGees
Vegetarian anything
Those who shun reading

William Shatner

However, I will make a concession and offer my approval of the vintage tight sweater of yesteryear because who am I to knock history. Also I will say the sweater inspired one of my favorite movie scenes of all time. Every Christmas, I at least once, mimic this great clip from the fine cinematic masterpiece, The Three Amigos.

Watch more Three Amigos! videos on AOL Video


pattinase (abbott) said...

I almost never sweat, a family trait. I wish I could because it's a release from the heat. So love your sweat and treat it well.

Rick said...

You're good, Travis! To do an entire posting on sweat. You are no officially my blog hero.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Will you be marketing the gasser pants and poo-poo puffs? Both items my household would enjoy.
PS DH (Deer Hunter) and his camp companions know every single word of The Three Amigos and replay it every single weekend at the camp. Oh boy.

yellowdoggranny said...

i think they call them sweat socks, pants, etc. because that is what they make you one of those women that do not 'glow' or 'perspire'..I sweat like im doing manual labor even if im just lifting a package..sigh*

David Cranmer said...

No to William Shatner? That's not allowed.

Stephen Parrish said...

William Shatner? Sniff.

G. B. Miller said...


Perhaps you can add to your list of things you don't like, rejection letters written on your query letter.

BTW: I solved excess perspiring problem by shaving my head.

No hair, no sweat.

Terri Tiffany said...

What's a Sweater? I live in Florida;)

Very creative post!!

Rocketstar said...

"Poo-poo Puffs"

Love it.

Vodka Mom said...

I try to avoid sweating as OFTEN as possible. Especially when I am working out. Which may be why I still need to lose 20 pounds. The Bee Gees? Yuck.

preTzel said...

I loathe sweating unless I'm outside in the sun doing manual labor. In the house? Must be kept at a temperature that my body does not feel as if it will implode upon a moment's notice.

Sweaters? I don't own but 2 and they are "dressy" for "professional" days at work. Otherwise I'm a T - shirt kinda gal year 'round.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think you really have lost your mind. I do not sweat so there for I can wear sweaters. My all time $3 sweatshirt as well. You and your sweat fetish. Poo-Poo Puffs what does that make?

Janet said...

Oh no. Lettuce is good. The BeeGees were, before they went disco.

William Shatner is a point I am willing to grant.

Lana Gramlich said...

Poo poo puffs...OMG! You have me almost in tears, again! *ROFL!*

Melissa Amateis said...

Travis, I think you're the male version of Erma Bombeck. I was laughing all the way through this post!

Charles Gramlich said...

I worked up a sweat reading this post. Had to take off my Christmas sweater so I could get to my Halloween sweater, which was covering my Talera Day Sweater.

Junosmom said...

You know I love to read your blog, but Travis, my friend, Three Amigos was the worst, absolute horrible, movie ever made. I can't even watch the clip. But, I won't hold your like of it against you.

Cloudia said...

"Pants called 'gassers'."
You're KILLIN' me, Travis!
LOL. Do you do standup? You should.
Holiday sweaters? Who am I to insult your wife? (NICE holiday sweaters, Mrs. Travis).
Funny post, but strangely compelling. . . As Bother Tobias said: "What aren't the customers in restaurants called 'waiters' instead of the staff?"
And what's with airline food . .
Aloha- (oh, we sweat a LOT. Just gotta go with it. Hence my wardrobe of bandannas . . .)

That Janie Girl said...

I personally think you'd look very sweet - I mean, debonair - in a Christmas sweater.

Jess said...

Three Amigos was NOT the worst movie ever made. OMG! That's just scary. If that were true, than "the gods must be crazy" is also the most horrible film ever made, and that's just not possible. Some people. They either GET Napoleon Dynamite, or they don't.

Look, the themed sweater replaced the theme VEST. Thank the good fashion gods above for that one.

Just tell your wife you'd prefer to be taking them OFF of her. Will be more fun than fighting the sweater craze, my friend. Plus, you'll get exercise without breaking (too much) of a sweat.

the walking man said...

Love your sweat and the pungent lubricating quality of it. Don't foo-foo it away with store bought solutions, take a shower instead.

Sweaters are fine as long as they are on someone else.

Kristen Painter said...

Sweaters? Hmm. I live in Florida. Must consult a dictionary about this "sweater" you speak of.

Spy Scribbler said...

LOL, my husband loves holiday sweaters. Me? I'm not great with fashion. I like comfort, so when he buys me a fuzzy, comfy holiday sweater, I convince myself it's "winter" and not "Christmas," and wear it all winter long and into spring. And pull it out in fall.

He's stopped buying me holiday sweaters.

Monnik said...

ha! This post is funny.

What did William Shatner ever do to you?

Bubblewench said...

Oh Travis, I'm so glad I saved the best blog for last in my reader! Fantastic! Love 3 Amigos too..

And I'm anti-holiday sweater too. Stupid.