Wednesday, October 7, 2009

By the Hair of My Chinny Chin Chin

I have one ... A big, hairy one I might add.

Get your mind out of the gutter people. I'm talking about mustaches.

Actually I have more than a mere mustache as I have chosen to ring my entire pie-hole with hair and grow and sport the uber manly -- goatee.

Why you ask?

The simple answer ... because I can.

Like standing up to pee, growing facial hair is a staple of manhood. Sure there are women that grow a pretty good 'stache, and a few gals can even take the stubble to an elite level and grow a beard. But unless you have circus ambitions, it's generally frowned upon to have both facial fuzz and boobs. Yes men, that means even if you are manly enough to grow chin decoration that rivals ZZ Top, man boobs greatly diminishes your manliness.

But Travis you say. Is it really all that manly or cool to have something growing on your face that is named for an animal? And a goat at that.

Yes. Yes it is. Billy goats (the ones that actually sport goatees) are indeed bad ass. Need I remind you that Billy Goat Gruff did prevail over the evil troll lurking beneath the bridge.

Okay, you say. Facial hair is manly, but it tickles to kiss someone a hairy upper lip.

Given the fact I've never kissed anyone with a hairy upper lip I can't verify the accuracy of this statement, but I will say ... perhaps, some people enjoy that tickle.

What? Are those cries of BS I hear in the distant. Are there actually naysayers chanting -- shave it off -- shave it off.

Fine, fine. I'll come clean. I have my goatee for two main reasons.

One, I look about twelve without it. Or at least I did the last time I was clean shaven, which would be August of 1997, exactly two months prior to my wedding. And then I was clean shaven only as a result of an ill-timed sneeze. Trust me fellas, if you are holding an electric trimmer and feel even the slightest urge to sneeze -- stop trimming your goat until the urge goes completely away.

Two, I'm lazy. I hate to shave. Having a goatee means less surface area to manscape. It's no different than filling your yard with rocks and cactus and claiming to be environmental friendly because your new "zero"scape has less needs. Bullshit. Your just too dang lazy to water and mow. And given the fact I am one chromosome away from being Sasquatch I'd be shaving all the damn time if I wanted to maintain that sensual smoothness the shaving cream companies claim is all the rage with the ladies.

But what are the drawbacks to having a mustache, goatee or full beard?

1) Honey. No I'm not getting fresh with you. I'm talking about the sweet nectar of the bees. Honey is not a friend to facial hair. Neither is syrup.

2) Extra shampoo expense. Yes guys it is very important you suds the goat every morning. Or evening if that happens to be your shower time.

3) Toddlers and chewing gum. Neither kids nor Hubba Bubba are all that dangerous to beards when faced individually but together they spell real trouble.

And other than the increases virility and sex appeal what are the benefits of letting the facial follicles freely frolick?

1) Extra warmth. The only time my wife will let me get away with a full beard is when I have a hunt planned for the cold mountain peaks of Colorado. And trust me a furred over face is indeed warmer when the chill of 13,000 feet is blowing across your cheeks. (Hey, I just realized that same argument could apply to justifying a hairy arse.)

2) The soup at lunch tasted really great. And now thanks to your 'stache you can enjoy that same flavor hours later with a mere flick of your tongue.

3) Should you ever become a wanted man you can alter your appearance in minutes, simply by shaving, whereas if you rob that bank while clean shaven you'll have to lay low for days, weeks, or months. (Time frame varies according to your manliness level and ability to grow facial hair)


This post was inspired by my Facebook plea for blogging ideas. My FB buddies responded and this is but the first of several posts to be inspired by their comments. I asked for topics or first lines and these are what I got and what you can look forward to. Int eh order in which I received them.

Shannon aka Bubblewench said ... Moustaches, good or evil... discuss!
Lissa served up this first line ... 'It seemed like it should have worked out fine.'
Avery tossed this line out ... "It wasn't even my shoe."

Kim handed me a serious subject .. Autism now affects one in 91 American children. Have fun...
Deborah suggested ... Oktoberfest
Melanie asked ... "Whose hair is this and why is it stuck to my chest?"
Jenn offered a trio of words and wants them all included in one post ... Mummies, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Britney Spears.
Shonda begged for ... "Ism's"...... what are they and what can they do for you?

Should be interesting and varied blog fare.

So, let's hear it. To be, or not to be ... Hairy ...

That is the question.


Bubblewench said...

I think facial hair is awesome on men. And this was a great post. I'm crackin up over the 'hairy arse' line! Never really thought about it from a guy's perspective. No wonder my hubs goes through so much shampoo.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hilarious post and wonderful writing!

Laurie Powers said...

I think goatees ROCK and I'm a sucker for a guy with one. Just ask my last boyfriend. :) Seriously, they could make Don Knotts look like a lady killer. Well, maybe I wouldn't go THAT far....

David said...

I had a full beard for a many years. A ponytail, too. I liked not having to shave, but the mustache part was unpleasant when I had a cold.

My wife prefers me clean shaven, both for appearance and for kissing.

Jeannie Campbell, LMFT said...

some interesting sentiments. it's like an ode to the goatee. i'm not a fan. thankfully, my husband is unable to grow a full-on beard...he looks like he has mange or something on his's just too spotty. but as long as the womenfolk in your life don't mind...go for it. :)

Where Romance Meets Therapy

Jenn Jilks said...

Travis, you nutjob!

Now, you have to be careful when talking to middle-aged women about this issue...

When asked what essential she would take if sent to an island, my friend said 'a pair of tweezers'.

Menopause is such a grand stage of life.

Being Beth said...

My husband has worn a beard for twenty five of our twenty-seven years of wedded bliss. I love it. I guess you aren't old enough to list the benefit of facial hair hiding facial wrinkles.

About fifteen years ago my husband decided he wanted to shave off his beard. He whacked at it with scissors, then lathered up, drew the razor to his cheek, and stopped. Why? Because all three of our preschool aged children stood at the bathroom door bawling. They couldn't fathom their daddy without his beard. He's never thought about shaving it off since.

savannah said...

hilarious, but i'm also partial to facial hair, sugar! the MITM has only a moustache now. *sigh* xoxo

Unknown said...

Well, obviously I type as well as I speak - google identity should be Shonda, not Shonda. Anyways.... BRAVO Trav! I personally love facial hair. Very partial to the "Goat", as it is refered to in my world. NO, not real goats or even Goat Cheese - the real deal. The soft brush of manliness on my cheek gives me "Chicken Titties" or "Goose Bumps" to those who don't know me, so bring on the Goat Gruff!

Janna Leadbetter said...

All I now is, you're a hoot. And I love my hubs' goatee!

Melanie Hooyenga said...

I think it depends on the man, whether or not they should wear facial hair. My hubby is normally clean-shaven but has a goatee right now. I don't care either way since men have so few options to change how they look, but I think it makes him look smarmy.

Melanie Hooyenga said...

Oh, and I can't wait to hear what you come up with for the rest of the ideas!

MTL said...

"It's no different than filling your yard with rocks and cactus and claiming to be environmental friendly because your new "zero"scape has less needs."

OMG, THIS IS BRILLIANT!!! I am SOOO using this.

Teresa said...

Love your justifications for "the goat". This was hilarious!

Miriam Forster said...

My husband currently has a full beard, but when he decides he wants to shave it off, I plead for the goatee.

I like him better with facial hair, especially since it grows so fast. That tickling you mentioned is far more pleasant then the scrape of stubble.

NotSoStoneCold said...

Sure, you're hairy, and thanks to Z we all know your "big", butt, did you say you were "lazy"? Really? I never noticed. 2 Kids Inc teams, writing and now helping kid at school doesnt sound lazy to me. Keep it up.

Hilary said...

There sure seems to be more in favour of the hairy face than against. I dislike the itchy/tickly kisses but they're far better than no kisses at all. :)

Travis' Wife said...

I like a good goat. I do not like beards. Beards remind me of this picture I remember from a book with this dude in like a top hat and owls living in his beard. Scary. Travis' goat is lovely...he has like stubble by the end of the day a normal human being would have in like a week span of not shaving. What a manly man. hahaha

Cloudia said...

You wouldn't be the Trav we love if you was smooth...LOL

Aloha, Friend!

Comfort Spiral

G. B. Miller said...

Except for a brief week in which I stupidly listened to my father and shaved off my 'stache, I've had one since I was seventeen.

I've been sporting a fu manchu for the better part of fifteen years, which has survived two little childrens and is currently surviving a one year old nephew.

'Course the stache is the only hairy ornament on my head, since I'm sans hair on top.

the walking man said...

I only run to the extremes. Either fully bearded or fully bald. For the past 4 years it has been fully bearded. Now I can out stache everyone but the most die hard.

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha! An ill-timed sneeze... hilarious!

Charles Gramlich said...

I'm going to use these reasons now. Before, I thought it was just because I was too lazy to shave.

Diane said...

As long as your wife doesn't mind then just keep it already. My husband calls his man boobs "Moobies" if that might be your next blog post title.... :O)

jerseygirl89 said...

I hate facial hair. . .except goatees. I'm a sucker for goatees, so naturally I loved this post.

Lana Gramlich said...

*Sneaks off to shave her beard, particularly after the ad offering laser hair removal at the bottom of the post.*
(BTW, are you still doing MTM posts? I might have one for this week, if so.)

Terri Tiffany said...

My husband of 32 years has a cool moustache that I refuse to let him shave off! Well, he did one time for about a week and back on it went!