Thursday, November 18, 2010

Yankee Poodle Dandy

My mind is infected with a myriad of random thoughts and observations so excuse this rambling post of absurdity. Look there is so much stuff crammed in there it is beaming out my ears.

Not long ago I posed the following question on both facebook and twitter ...

I'm curious, what do monkeys claim to have gotten off their back after solving a persistent and dogged problem?

My followers on those places chimed in with a variety of answers, but I decided from now on I'm gonna use the word poodle rather than monkey. As in ... "Whew, I'm glad to get that poodle off my back."

Twice I've used the new and improved saying in conversation and the other parties have failed to notice. Think I'll start using poodle in all my cliches just to see if anyone notices or is even listening to a word I say.

between a poodle and a hard place
houseguests and poodles stink after three days
It ain't poodle science
A day late and a poodle short
give a man a poodle, feed him for a day, teach a man to poodle, feed him for life
it's raining harder than a cow pissing on a flat poodle

This fear that no one is listening to me probably comes from being a dad to two boys. They don't hear in the morning when I call upstairs and tell them it's time to get up. They don't hear me when I tell them to turn off the TV and get to work on their homework. They don't hear me when I tell 'em to lift the damned toilet seat.

But mention Santa Claus and they can hear a poodle drop in a bowling alley.

Speaking of being ignored. Here I am on DAY2 of my quest to get Chelsea Handler to read my Feedstore manuscript, or even acknowledge my existence and so far she hasn't woke up and smelled the poodle. To help the cause you can leave Miss Handler a message at MySpace, FacebookTwitter, or you can email her at 

Upon hearing from her fans that she does not like men with facial hair I have offered to let her diminutive side kick Chewy, who she refers to as her little nugget, shave my goatee for a live TV audience. Now if that is highly quality entertainment I do not know what is.

But I would never expect y'all to do my dirty work for free so I have a bountiful prize package in which I will reward to one of my faithful helpers upon any sort of acknowledgment at all from Miss Handler. Here is a picture of the prizes up for grabs. 

 Whip It and Spotted Dick. Who could resist that combination of delicacies?


Stephen Parrish said...

I've only seen Chelsea Handler on Larry King (I don't have access to anything else). She's pretty and she's funny, but God help anyone who gets involved with her.

Barrie said...

This post is hilarious. It had me in poodles!

Old Kitty said...

I love spotted dick.

With cream.

:-) Take care

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hey, it works for presidential quotations too!

"Ask not what your poodle can do for you. Ask what you can do for your poodle." JFK

"I am not a poodle." RMN

"I did not have sex with that poodle." BC

Triplezmom said...

I secretly want to be Chelsea Handler. And I am so trying to poodle thing right after I tweet Chelsea.

Phats said...

The wife and I watch Chelsea Lately every night, I have seen you on twitter trying to get her to notice you good luck with that. I think she'd be cool to hang with

sybil law said...

What the FUCK is spotted dick?!!!
I would generally avoid it, but apparently it's something good?!
Anyway, I'll bug Chelsea for you. :)

Please keep the spotted dick.
That's a great name for a band.

Bubblewench said...

Holy devil is lettuce! I have no idea what either of those are, but I know I love your writing. On it.

Junosmom said...

Nah, uh. How did you get that Heinz can to say that. Is that for real?

Lindy said...

my husband loves spotted dick. I haven't acquired a taste for it yet.

Cloudia said...

Go man go

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral



the walking man said...

I thought spotted dick was an STD and now Heinz has it in a can? Dude somehow I really don't want to win any prize your giving.

Lana Gramlich said...

It's Chuy, fyi. The misspelling might not endear you to her on top of the facial hair...